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Monday, May 2, 2011

Take back your mink, take back your poils, what made you think that I was one of those goils?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, May Twoth, 2011.  Happy birthday to Chris, who turns twenty-four today.  So, how about the news, eh?  Just when We expected nothing but a week of paparazzi chasing Wills and Kate about on their honeymoon, things certainly took a turn.  We Our Own Self Personally were at a photoshoot, striving to satisfy Our fans, who are constantly clamoring for a recent photograph of Ourself, when We heard the news.  In fact, today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Isn’t Constantly Clamoring A KD Lang Song was taken at the exact moment that We heard the report: they found Mamie van Doren.

We didn’t even know she was missing.

Seriously.  Such a lot of fuss for something We could have solved in two seconds with a flip through Our Rolodex™ if only someone had asked.  Not that We know Mamie van Doren personally, mind you, but, based on the principle of Six Degrees Of Making Kevin Bacon, We’re pretty sure We could lay Our dialing digits upon someone who does.

And that’s all We’ve got, folks.  Now, of course, astute readers amongst you (astute readers being much like horse whisperers, except they read stutes (which, for some peculiar reason, made Us think of They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?, which starred Jane Fonda, who was also in Klute. (Summer vacation time shares in the windmills of Our mind are still available, but going fast))) will have no doubt realized that We wouldn’t get Our hair did and get all gussied up, including Our Sunday-go-to-meeting turban, just to get Our pixture tooken. And those readers of stutes who were not in Klute (unless they are Jane Fonda (are you in here, Jane?  Hi, Jane!)) would be entirely correct. There is in fact a project in the works, but you will just have to wait to hear more about it, as We have been sworn to secrecy (and cursed with celibacy, but that’s a horse whisperer of another coloring book).

And now, just as you are pixturing Us playing Gloria Swanson’s great-granddaughter in a remake of Sunset Boulevard, here comes the HorrorScope:

You need to slow down some more today (That was Uncle Joe, he was movin’ kinda slow at the Junction.  (Jeebus Cripes, We’re old.))

— even if you feel that you are falling behind. (Oh, honey.  Have you SEEN Our behind recently?  If it falls, there’ll be Hell’s toupee. (What does that even mean?  Why would Hell wear a toupee?  You Yanks and your wacky, zany, madcap sayings.))

 It’s a good time for you to remember what is most important (Parsnips.  Particularly, pureed parsnips.)


and to focus on that exclusively.  (Well, We’re not sure about all that.  They’re only parsnips, after all.  Yes, they’re pureed, but still.  It’s not like they’re rutabagas or anything. Really.)

With your confidence climbing to an all-time high, (We’re not so sure about that.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

your efforts will start to yield immediate results today. (Notice how she keeps mum about whether those results will be positive or negative.)

You can throw all your patience right out the window, because you won’t need it. (See also: Aries, Definition of.)

Just be aware that fast action will create some fast forward momentum, so be sure you know what direction you want to go in before opening your mouth. (TAXI!!!)

What you say goes right now, (Yeah.  Like THAT ever happens.)

so be careful what you say!  (So, wait…should We or should We not say, “Jell-O™ wrestling with Johnny Depp”?)

You don’t want to have to take back your words and appear indecisive.  (We hate Indian givers…no We don’t, We take that back.)

Patience should be your highest priority today. (Really?  What happened to “You can throw all your patience right out the window, because you won’t need it.”?   Does no one proofread this drivel?)

Rushing others to finish up doesn’t do anyone any favors. (What makes you think We want to do favors for people all of a sudden?  What did they ever do for Us?)

Give people room to breathe and you could be pleasantly surprised! (Room, shroom…give ‘em carbon monoxide to breathe, and things’ll be even MORE pleasant.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes: )
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.