I spend my days just moo-oo-oo-oo-oo-ooning all over you

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesDay, January 7^st, 2013.

Happy Birthday to Patricia, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.

Here at Casa du Curmudgeon, We are feeling a little better today. Thanks to those of you who have expressed concern and get-well wishes.  Not, of course, that We shall be able to leave the house and demonstrate Our feeling-betterness, what with it being nuclear winter and all.

All of these days home alone (kiss Us quick, We’re Macaulay Culkin) in the throes of influenza have also left Us with precious little about which to write (not, mind you, that We don’t have writing assignments We’ve been totally neglecting).

Although We did just get distracted by SitOnMyFaceBook, and We must just say this:  ladies, if you are an actual biological female, and We cannot tell by looking at a picture of you whether you are a woman or a drag queen, it is time for some sort of makeover/intervention.  Just sayin’.

What We were originally going to say here was that, courtesy of The Lovely And Talented Kevin via SitOnMyFaceBook this morning, We found this (which is viZZZually Safe For Work, but NOT audio-wise):

This contribution has the extra added attraction of the fact that The Lovely And Talented Kevin?  Makes Us think Warm Thoughts.  (Also Moist, but that’s not as important on a day like today.)

Our video (Capricorn, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:  http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM.

On repeat viewing, We must say that that particular video is one of Our favorites.  It has, over time, been somewhat e-clipsed by the artsy-fartsiness of Our French New Wave e-pissode:

…as well as by, naturally, The One With Justin Bieber’s Penis:

Having thus shamelessly plugged Ourself (because if We don’t plug Ourself, clearly no one else is going to), We shall move on.

In other news, mark your calendars for Sunday, January 12 at 8PM and Friday, January 17 at 8PM, in Beautiful Downtown Norristown for the triumphant return of LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices Festival!

Tickets are now available at  http://thecentretheater.ticketleap.com/

Also, check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/259746334150716/ (FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the logo)).

This will not, as you may have guessed, be the only reminder you will receive of this upcoming event.  Stay tuned also for other appearances in the Greater Philadelphia Area and up and down the Eastern Seaboard.  Because Starzina is nothing if not peripatetic.  (Also poetic and chic.)

And now, the HorrorScope…

In celebrity birthday news, it is that gross disgusting hairy-backed ugly celebrity-by-nepotism-only Nicolas Cage’s birthday today.  Cinematic Hell, in case you were wondering (hey, sure, it’s Hell…but at least it’s warm), is a never-ending movie in which Nicolas Cage and the equally repulsive Ben Stiller play brothers competing for the romantic attentions of Melissa McCarthy while tending to the needs of their dying father, Woody Allen.

(You would think We had thrown up enough for one week.  You would be wrong.)

Get started on something new and cool  (Please don’t say “cool”.  KThxBye.)

— it could be anything that revs your gears!  (We were going to do a “Kevs your gears” play on words here, but we realized it would be lost on most of you, who have no idea who The Lovely And Talented Kevin is.  Poor things.)

(It further occurs to Us that that situation could be remedied if you contacted Us about coming to see the murder mystery, which is currently in its last few months.)

Your amazing personal energy (Jigga what?)

guarantees that you bring this new project to a thrilling conclusion.  (Is a “thrilling conclusion” like a “happy ending”?  Because it sounds like it would be similar, except that it would cost a lot more.)

After days of moping around, (We’re the moping champ of Rydell High.)

you’ll wake up this morning feeling like your old self again: (Who you calling “old”?)

charming, impulsive and ready to try anything at least once. (Wait…We thought you said We’d be feeling like Our old self…who’s this “charming impulsive”  assmunch?)

So what might be the perfect way to celebrate? (A champagne enema?)

How about reconnecting with the gang? (Let’s get Spanky to try it…he won’t eat it…he hates everything.)

(What?)

 After a bit of good-natured kidding about where you’ve been and a whole lot of winks, nods and sidelong glances, they’ll be delighted to have you back in the fold.  (If We can trade those winks for wanks, We’ll talk.)

And you can get back to your unofficial position as head of the entertainment committee.  (Oh, dear.  That sounds as though We should be wearing a hat.  And white gloves.  And a corsage. Heavy on the baby’s breath.)

Don’t just sit there … do something!  (Don’t just do something … sit there! )

It’s a great day to follow your nose (It always knows…the flavor of fruit…wherever it grows…) 

and do more than just make eye contact. (Does it occur to no one else that “eye contact” is just “I can’t act” in a bad British accent?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.) 

Ask that hottie out without hesitating. (If there is indeed a hottie, We are going to ask him IN.  Because, no matter how hot he is, we guarantee he will be less so outdoors.) 

Your confidence is amazing!  (We’re not so sure about that…)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

All the oldies but goodies

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThirdsThursday, July 18 ^nd, 2013.  (After all this time, We realized that We could turn those thingies into superscripts if We typed them with a correct number (e.g. “2^nd”) and then pasted them where We wanted them.  Clearly, We are a Mensa Member.  (Or Menstruating.  One of those.))

Happy Birthday to Beth, who turns twenty-four today all the way out on The Other Coast.  In California.  Swimming pools, movie stars.  Happy Birthday also to Ted, who also turns twenty-four today somewhere in Greater Bostonia.  And Happy Birthday also too to Lary, who too also turns twenty-four today right here in the City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

Additionally, Happy Belated Birthday to Brittany, who turned twenty-four yesterday, also right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  She somehow got overlooked yesterday, possibly because We were, oh, I don’t know BLINDED BY RAGE.

In other news, the plot to drive Us mad continues.  If this were (subjunctively) the evening news, We would now turn things over to Our foreign correspondent, who would identify his location as “war-torn Warnock Street”.  The Water Department, who jackhammered (it IS a word, goddammit) here yesterday till We teetered on the brink of madness, then threatened to shut Our water off for the evening (but never did), is today digging and subsequently filling in hole after hole up and down the street, in an effort to accomplish what, We cannot guess.

For the next part of Our story, you will need to realize that holes are still being created, that those that are ”filled in” are filled only with piles of dirt that rise above street level and are surrounded with orange cones and sawhorses, and that Warnock Street is completely impassable.

And it is Trash Day.

And now, from The You Will Not Believe THIS Department, in conjunction with The I’m Sorry, Tinkerbell Is Dead, You Just Didn’t Clap Hard Enough Department, this just in:

Our neighbors blithely put their trash out, even though there was no way for a trash truck to get anywhere near said trash.  Having at one time worked for the EAC (Evil Acquiring Company, for you newbs), and thus being well-acquainted with The Futility Of All Human Endeavor, We kept Our trash to Ourself.

Do you know that those Philadelphia sanitation workers walked up and down this block and collected every particle of trash, including recycling bins that they had to carry to their truck and then walk back to return?  We felt just as though We were in the Bible, watching Jeebus multiply loaves by fishes without a calculator, or raise Lazy Ass from the dead.

We would say that Our faith in humanity is restored, except that Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t recognize “Tinkerbell” as a word, and what the hell is up with that?

On another subject entirely:

Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so technically pancakes are more important than family.

And now, Nicolas Cage as your favorite Disney princesses (this is as Safe-For-Work as anything featuring skanky-assed Nicolas Cage can be construed to be):

http://www.buzzfeed.com/jenlewis/nicolas-cage-as-your-favorite-disney-princesses

And here is the HorrorScope:

It is Hume Cronyn’s birthday today.  Hume Cronyn is, of course, the famous actor whom We shove up Uma Thurman’s ass every time an assumption gets made around here.

It’s a time of spiritual renewal today (Our spirit being, apparently, a library book.)

— which could be somewhat painful, so watch out!  (You think THAT’S painful, talk to Uma Thurman about Hume Cronyn’s dentures.)

You’ve got to show the world that you’re up for whatever is coming, so put on a brave face and head out!  (We’ve heard of Leading Lady Pink, and Light Egyptian…what is this “Brave Face” of which you speakum?)

You’ll easily be able to keep all of your emotions in check today, no matter what kind of hassle you have to deal with. (Well, DUH.  David Hasselhoff’s birthday was YESTERDAY.)

(What was the question?)

Traffic woes won’t worry you in the least — you’ll have great music on the radio to keep you happy. (Every sha-la-la-la, every woe-woe-woe still shines…)

(Kiss Us quick, We’re Karen Carpenter’s lunch.)

There’s a calmness and clarity inside of you that keeps you on an even keel.  (We might even keel over.)

 Your best friend doesn’t like your current date. (Who gives a fig?)

(Heh.  See what We did there?  We kill Us.)

If this person makes you happy, you can’t throw them aside. (Which one?  The best friend, or the date?  (On a side note, is the date inflatable?))

Learn to stand behind your choices.  (Well, innat just a smutty suggestion?)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.