How do you think he does it? I don’t know.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, September 18^rd , 2013.  Happy Birthday to OurAmericanCousin Lizzie, who does NOT turn twenty-four today.  In Texas.  Where all Our exes drive their Lexuses to cineplexes. (We are a poet, but We are unaware of it.)  Happy Birthday also to Dan, who also does NOT turn twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Also too, Happy Birthday to Nick, who MIGHT turn twenty-four today.  Of course, he also might not.  We simply don’t know.  We also dinna ken.  (No, seriously…We never laid a hand on Ken, during dinna or otherwise.)

(As you can plainly see, the humor in here this morning has skipped past Fast & Furious 7, 8, 9, and 10, and is now all the way up to Fast & Furious Fifteen. (And We will also have you know that, in the interest of accuracy, We Googled Fast &Furious on Wikipedia so We would know how many there really are.  (There’s a brain cell We’ll never get back.)))

What, you might wonder, are all these youngsters doing having their birthdays here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!?  We have no idea, but, lest We be accused of Corrupting The Morals Of Minors, We shall probably have to watch Our fucking language.

(Dan, if you’ve made it this far, We still have your photos, and would love to have a drink and get them back to you.)

Okay, no more fooling around.  Every time We mention Our show, many of you look as blank as you look when We mention Our having Justin Bieber’s love child.  (Have you heard that he’s gonna be Robin in the new Batman/Superman gay porn fillum?) Go get your tickets RIGHT NOW for Looking for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour.  There are three shows remaining, tonight and Thursday at 8PM, and Sunday at 7PM at Café Nola, and you can either buy tickets in advance or at the door:

http://fringearts.ticketleap.com/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeback-tour/#view=calendar

If you are buying tickets at the door tonight, We will give you a five dollar discount if you say “Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad” (or, alternatively, if you say, “I read Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!”

Thank you, meanwhile, to everyone who has come to see Our show so far, and to all of Our generous supporters.

Speaking of G-strings, it occurs to Us that We have been remiss in not re-sharing Our other Virgo video with you, the one with the hawtt almost-nekkid angel in it.  So here ya go:

 

And here is the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthdays today, We could be sad about James Gandolfini, or mad about Lance Armstrong.    We could make an “I vant to be alone” joke for Greta Garbo, or marvel that James Marsden is forty.  But, more important than any of those things, celebrating her NINETY-SIXTH birthday today is Ms. June Foray, the voice of Rocket J. Squirrel in Rocky and Bullwinkle.

It’s one of those days when you’ve got to lie low. (We’re sorry, but the phrase “lie low” has now been retired, due to its unfortunate connection with Lindsay Lohan, aka LiLo.  Please hang up, and try your party again later.)

Try to take the day off, if possible — though you may find that harder than usual, as your conscience pesters you to take care of business.  (We’re doing a show tonight.  It’s not like We have an understudy.)

The best thing about good karma  (Is that, with every fifth karma, you get a chameleon?)

coming back to you is that you’ve earned your good fortune, so you don’t need to feel guilty for enjoying it. (Or that.)

But when you get some big-time karma payback today, (Is it just Us, or does “big-time karma payback” sound more like a threat than a promise?)

spread the blessings around. (We shall spread those blessing like LiLo’s legs.)

You’re blessed with so many wonderful things right now — you can afford it. (Oh, please. We can’t even afford to pay attention.)

(Sorry…what?)

So if a rock-star parking space opens up, let the driver behind you have it.  (As all-powerful as We would like to imagine that We are, We fail to see how We could take it from him (or her). What with Our not having a car, and all.)

(AssHat.)

If you find a couple of bucks on the street, (Is it deer season yet?)

leave them in a friendly barista’s tip jar. (We’re not exactly sure what a barista is, so We’re just gonna assume it’s a Latino bartender.  Named Ramon.  Who’s not wearing shirt.)

(Oh, is Kelli still talking?)

 Keep the good karma flowing.  (It is a karmic heavy flow day.  The fucking chameleons are swimming for their lives.)

Try group activities — turning that blind date into a double date, (Alternatively, turning it into a deaf, dumb, and blind date who sure plays a mean pin ball.)

 or organizing a casual happening (Um, Kelli?  1975 called, and it wants its “casual happening” back.)

with a bunch of single friends — takes the pressure off, and increases your fun by quite a bit.  (Is it just Us, or does the phrase “increases your fun” not sound particularly like any fun?)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

You pull 'em down and there's really nothing there

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday, January 18, 2013.  It is a very exciting day here at Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope!Head!Quarters! (sorry…We got carried away) headquarters. 

Today is the occasion of Our 700thpost in Bloggonia!  Yes, indeed, ladies and genitals, We are joining The 700 Club.  Lettuce pray.  (And they said it wouldn’t last!)

Not that We have a particularly scintillating e-pissode planned for your naked skimming pleasure.  There is not even cake.  To Tell The Truth, Kitty Carlisle is in show business, but no one knows why.  Whoops…Our needle skipped.  Back to 1967, apparently.  What We were trying to say was, to tell the truth, this anniversary sort of snuck up on Us.  Much like Jessica Chastain in Zero Dark Thirty. Plus, if there were (subjunctively) to be cake, We would have to make it Our Own Self, and that would take all of the fun out of it.

(Please join Us in patting Ourself on the back for making a cinematic allusion to a fillum made in a very recent part of everyone’s lifetime, whose cast does not include Bette Davis, Joan Crawford, Judy Garland, or Shelley Winters.  You’re welcome.)

In other news, in the news today, at least in the WorldWideInterWebNetzian news, We are being informed that due to modern society’s penchant for waxing, Brazilians, and manscaping, pubic lice are now an endangered species.  And We are NOT making this up!

Speaking of things that need to be endangered, We are not, as you have probably guessed, following this entire Lance Armstrong debacle very closely, not being, as you are no doubt aware, much of a sports enthusiast (although We are inordinately fond of bicycle pants), but may We assume that this will put an end to those hideously ugly yellow rubber bracelets?  KThxBye.

Hitler had only one big ball

Goering had two, but they were small

Himmler

Had something sim’lar

And poor old Goebbels

Had no balls

At all!

See?  Right away, We gave you a musical number.  As if it weren’t already enough that, in recent paragraphs, We had used the words “penchant” and “debacle”.  This here blog is a fuckin’ class act.

Please  share  Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscopes: Capricorn  video with a friend.  (Extra credit points if it’s a gay friend.):

http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM

And here are the HorrorScopes:

It is Wang Yung Ching’s birthday.  And that is all We’re gonna say about THAT.  (Well, okay, We’ve lied.  Apparently, according to Micro$oft Weird™, both “Wang” and “Yung” are perfectly acceptable words.  “Ching’s”?  Not so much.  And one of Micro$oft Weird™’s suggested replacements?  (Is there anybody who doesn’t see this coming?)  “Chink’s”.)

You can’t make this stuff up.

Your social energy is unstoppable right now, (It’s like a social disease.  But not crabs.  ‘Cause they’re endangered.  (Somebody should have figgered this out years ago.  Crabs can’t get crabs, because they don’t have pubic hair.  (Plus, if they DID have pubic hair, they’d be even harder to clean.  Think about THAT next time you’re picking crabs at a crab boil.)))

(Can you believe you don’t even have to pay for all of this?)

so make sure that you’re getting out there and meeting new people. (We were about to make a joke about meeting old people.  Then it occurred to Us, if you’re meeting people you’ve met before, maybe YOU’RE the old person.)

You can overcome all kinds of barriers  (We’ve come on a few barristers and baristas in Our day, as well.)

— even language is no problem for you!  (No, indeedy.  We speak in tongues.)

 It’s time for you to start thinking about how you can get more physically active.  (Yes, let’s just sit in a nice comfy chair and think about that, shall We?)

Going to the gym a few days a month or going for a jog every other morning is great, (You have such an active fantasy life.)

but you’ll have a lot more fun with it if you can integrate your physical exercise and your free time.  (We have no idea what that means.  Have We mentioned that We’re off to make a student fillum this weekend?  We’re off to make a student fillum this weekend.  We have yet to see the one We made last August.  Whatevs.)

Pick up a sport.  (Well, there’s always juggling, but that takes more than one ball.  Or bicycling, but Us wearing those pants would be a criminal offense.  Perhaps We shall take up cow-tipping.)

Start learning how to roller skate with a friend!  (Why didn’t WE think of that?)

(Possibly because it’s stupid.)

There are all sorts of ways to burn calories and get your heart beating faster.  (How do YOU spell “blowjob”?)

You’ve got the creativity to figure out how to do it. (If We could do it to Our Own Self, We’d never leave the house.)

  Even if you’re excited that someone special wrote back or even called — or if you’ve just spotted a new face online you want to contact  (If, by “contact”, you mean “sit on”…)

— think it over until later this evening, when your romantic energy ramps up! (Why is Our romantic energy always “ramping up” when We’re home alone?)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.