Ain't it a bitch?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for HumpDayHumpDayHumpDay,  December 18^st, 2013.

Happy Birthday to Gwen, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. 

Happy Birthday also to Melissa, who also turns twenty-four today, somewhere in Delaware.  Melissa once played Our mother in a show, despite being only twenty-four.  We, of course, were twenty-four at the time. (Where is the time machine?  It’s in the credenza.  Where is the credenza?  It’s in the time machine.)

(Is it just Us, or does “Somewhere in Delaware” sound like a song from a lost Rodgers and Hammerstein musical? )

(Going in a different direction, is it just Us, or does “Delaware” sound like it should mean “aware of Dels”?  (The only Del of whom We Our Own Self Personally are aware is Del Shores, author of Sordid Lives and Cheatin’, amongst other things.  (Hi, Del!)))

We feel today as though the purpose of Holidailies™ (for you naked skimmers, that would be the community writing project in which We have been participating which encourages blogginators to blogginate on a daily basis for the month of December  (http://www.holidailies.org)) is to make One so sick of One’s Own blog, and, indeed, of the sound of One’s Own voice that, come January 1^th,  One packs One’s keyboard into a trunk in One’s attic and takes a vow of silence.

We do, in fact, have a point, but We are going to come to it roundaboutly.  (We are also going to randomly create adverbs where no adverbs existed before.  You’re WELCOME.)

Today is Brad Pitt’s birthday.  He is fifty.  Do you think the AARP sent him an application?  Today is also Katie Holmes’s birthday.  Her ex-husband is Tom Cruise.  Brad Pitt’s ex-wife is Jennifer Aniston.  Brad Pitt’s current wife is Angelina Jolie.  Tom Cruise’s current wife is the poolboy.

If We ran Holly wood, We’d put them all in a movie together.

Weren’t We JUST SAYING, “Why aren’t We making movies?”

Which brings Us to Our point:  an excerpt from the archives.  Excerpts from Katie Holmes’s diary, prior to her marriage to Tom Thumb…er, Cruise.  Following which, We are outtie for Christmas shopping:

EXCERPTS FROM KATIE H’S DIARY

April 28, 2005

Dear Diary,

Finally I can reveal the secret I’ve been keeping, even from YOU, Dear Diary:  Tommy C. and I are an ITEM!!!  My people have been seeing his people for about a month now, and his publicist finally decided the time was right to announce that we are a couple!!!  I didn’t even dare write about it in here, Dear Diary, for fear that someone would steal YOU the way they stole all those phone numbers from that slut Paris H’s cell phone.

Tommy is SOOO refreshing, especially after dating Chris K for all that time.  I mean, Chris is cute and all, but who can even name a movie he’s been in?  I mean, like AMERICAN PIE…what-EVER.  And Tommy is, like, THE Major Hollywood Movie Star.  This is gonna be SOOO great for my career. I mean, look what he did for Nicole, and my boobies are WAAAY bigger than hers.  And it’ll be good for him, too.  I mean, it’s about time he started dating an American girl, instead of all these foreigners and Australians and stuff.

Plus, Dear Diary, just between you and me, when it comes to, you know, S-E-X…well, Chris had this REEAALLY big winkie, which could hardly fit in my hoo-hoo, and he wanted to put it there like ALL the time, and leave it there for like HOURS, and I’d wind up all sweaty, with my hair all messed up, and I’d have to re-do my makeup.  But Tommy hardly EVER puts his winkie in my hoo-hoo, and, when he does, it’s just the right size, because I don’t even notice that it’s there, and plus he only puts it there for like a minute, so my hair and makeup looks exactly the same when it’s over, and really, it’s not how you feel, it’s how you look.

So anyway, now that we are officially dating, and can be seen in public, Tommy is gonna take me to meet some of his friends at his church.  I’m not sure what church it is…the name sounded like “gynecology”, but I know that can’t be it, because that’s a hoo-hoo doctor.  I just know it’s not anything I’ve heard of before, like Presbyterian or Episcopalian.  I’m sure it’s something really special, just like Tommy.  I just hope it’s not that Kielbasa thing that Madonna and Demi M. are into, because somebody told me that’s kind of Jewish, and I don’t think my fans would like it if it turned out that I killed Jesus.

Love,

Katie

May 2, 2005

Dear Diary,

Tommy took me to his church yesterday.  It’s the Church of Scienceology, not gynecology.  (I get words like that mixed up sometimes.  So does Tommy, because he’s dyspeptic.)

We flew there in a helicopter, and I had to wear a blindfold, because I’m not a member of the church yet, so I’m not allowed to know where it is.  It felt just like we were in one of Tommy’s MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE movies.  (Note to self:  No more hoo-hoo for Tommy till he agrees to put me in the next MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE movie.)  Then we had to circle for a long time, because the church people had planted a bunch of flowers for our arrival, but they didn’t match my dress, so Tommy had them rip all the flowers up and plant new ones before we got there.  How kewl is THAT?

Anyway, it wasn’t like a church at all, more like a big resort in the middle of the desert.  And there was no service, which was good, because I get SOOO bored when other people talk for too long.  AND I got to meet some fat old guy who used to be John Travolta, and that fat lady who was on CHEERS when she was thin, but now has a show about being a fat lady, which I think is really stupid, but she was REEEAALLLY nice to me, so it was okay.  And when Tommy and the John Travolta guy went off to get massages, we showed each other our hoo-hoos, but I got really scared ‘cause her thighs kind of moved ALL ON THEIR OWN, so I made her stop.  Did I mention she was REEEALLY fat?

So, later, the four of us and a bunch of Tommy’s other church friends got together and they talked about a bunch of stuff I didn’t understand, like N-grams and futons and E-meters.  I made a joke about E! True Hollywood Story, but nobody laughed, so I didn’t make any more jokes. Tommy said I didn’t understand because I wasn’t clear, but I didn’t think THEY were being very clear, but I didn’t say so.  It was kinda like that time James v-d-B took me to that party with all his weird guy friends in the funny leather costumes, and all anybody talked about was Special K and circuit parties.  *I* didn’t think it sounded like much of a party if all they served was cereal, but I didn’t want to say so, because James was always so sensitive about his friends. And the fact that he was going bald.

Anyway, Tommy says if I want to, I can join his church, because they have a “special process for celebrities”.  Well, DUH.  I mean, it’s not like we’re just ordinary people or something.

Love,

Katie

In other other news, who has opposable thumbs and will be performing not once, but TWICE in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices Festival in January?  That’s right, ladies and genitals, this Foul-mouthed, All-knowing Goddess!

That’s right, mark your calendars for Sunday, January 12 at 8PM and Friday, January 17 at 8PM, in Beautiful Downtown Norristown for the triumphant return of LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour!

Check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/259746334150716/ (FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the logo.)), and keep your eyes glued…GLUED, goddammit…to this space for further developments (We don’t even think tickets are available yet, but you, Gentle Readers, will be the first to know when they are, so you can snatch (heh) them up.)

This will not, as you may have guessed, be the only reminder you will receive of this upcoming event.  Stay tuned also for other appearances in the Greater Philadelphia Area and up and down the Eastern Seaboard.  Because Starzina is nothing if not peripatetic.  (Also poetic and chic.)

In still other other other news We are once again sharing with you Our very most favoritest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope  video (Sagittarius) with you (see above).  Here is the link with which you may share it with others: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y  You’re welcome.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

So here’s an apple; let’s play Scrabble™.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  NotJustAnotherManicMonday, December 31th, 2012.  Happy New Year’s Eve to Juan Anne Dahl.  We have SO much to Cher with you today; this e-pissode is going to be jam-packed and fun-filled (ordinarily, at this juncture, We would make a “fudge-packed” joke, but We are trying ever-so-hard to be classy. (How the fuck are We doin’?))

This is Our 275^th e-pissode of 2012!  That is an Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! all-time record!  And all at no extra charge to Our Gentle Readers!

It is unclear to Us whether today or tomorrow is the last day of Holidailies™ (for you naked skimmers, that would be the community writing project in which We have been participating which encourages blogginators to blogginate on a daily basis for the month of December ( http://www.holidailies.org/ )).   But, whichever day it is, We figgered We had better start sharing What We Learned today.

Also, We will be doing an e-ncore presentation of the very last Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! from 2011.  Not, this time, to take the place of Our regularly-scheduled e-pissode, but because We went and looked at it, and it’s a pretty funny e-pissode (which, coincidentally, contains the origin of Our neologism (heh…We said “gism”) “e-pissode”, amongst (many) other things.  So, if you’re a newbie here from Holidailies™, it will be new to you.

But first, completely out of left field (that’s some kind of sports reference, innit?), as a treat for those of you who are stuck in your workplaces today (and even for those of you who are not), here, from the Rich White Boys With Too Much Time On Their Hands Department, is this (which is, in case We were not yet clear enough, Safe For Work):

And now, on a more serious note (LA!), What We’ve Learned From Holidailies™:

 (We just paused to open up Our 2013 calendar (because We have the attention span of a gnat that’s been in the cooking sherry) and discovered that Kwanzaa ends tomorrow.  YouPeople never even told Us it started.  Dammit.)

We have been hearing about Holidailies™ for years, and Our response always was, “Oh, We could never write something every day like that!”  This year, We finally realized that We already practically were.  (We’re slow like that.)  Still, We almost didn’t participate, as We are familiar with the work of some of the other participants, and We didn’t think Our oeuvres would exactly overlap.  (Did that sound dirty to you?  Because it sounded dirty to Us, and We knew what We were talking about.  (Sort of.))

(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), We mistyped “participants” in that paragraph in such a way as to point up the fact that it contains the word “pants”.  We would make a joke about that, but We are trying to press on.  (Insert Lee™ Press-On Nails joke here.))

Nevertheless, participate We did, with the intention of writing every day.  And We’d’ve made it, too, if it weren’t for those pesky kidz.  We only missed one day, and it was Our initial intention to use the “you can post every 8 hours” loophole to go back and fix that, but now We’ve decided not to.

We didn’t need Holidailies™, as some participants do, to encourage Us to write more regularly.  We were already producing Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! e-pissodes on quite a regular basis (albeit not actually “daily”, but still).  In fact, it has of late become Our intention to scale back on Our Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! schedule, so that We might devote time thus saved to several other writing projects, the one of which We are willing to disclose at this time being the script for a one-bitch Starzina show to be produced in 2013.

So, when the next Holidailies™ rolls around (which, the way time currently flies, will be about a month from now), We intend to play again, but with quality not quantity as Our manta ray’s mantra from Monterrey (what the hell happened THERE?), and produce just as many e-pissodes as We happen to produce.

If anyone has continued to read this far (or if a naked skimmer happens to alight), We would like to take this opportunity to thank the hosts of Holidailies™ for having Us.

Here is the link with which you may share Our Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CAPRICORN video with your friends:

http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM

And here is the promised E-ncore Presentation, all the way from December 30, 2011:

Who are you doing New Year’s, New Year’s Eve?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for New Year’s Eve Eve, Eve was weak, dirty pillows, etc.   Today’s epistle will be somewhat abbreviated, as We must be off to purchase pork and kielbasa. (We wish that were (subjunctively) a euphemism, but sadly, it is not.)

We just paused to ponder how one might actually abbreviate an epistle, and came up with “episs”.  Which led to further speculation on the fact that, prior to the advent of computers, We just had plain old mail, and now We have email.  So presumably, back in the day, We had plain old pistles, and now We have epistles.  We do so hope these speculations don’t episs off the Corinthians.

That there was a little biblical humor.  Much like the one about Mary Magdalene and the whoopee cushion.  Here is another bit of biblical humor that We encountered on the WorldWideInterWebnetz this morning: 

Church is pretty much a book club where they assign the same book every week, but everyone still forgets to read it.

In still other news, We are having serious SitOnMyFaceBook issues.  We were minding Our own business yesterday, attempting to update Our status by posting the link to yesterday’s e-pistle and a quote from http://www.textsfromlastnight.comwhen We noted that SOMFB was not so much letting Us post.  Naturally, We tried a number of times, and were finally informed that, due to some unspecified infraction, We would have “limited access” for “a few days”.  “Limited access” apparently means that We can look at SOMFB, but We can’t post anything or send any messages.  Which pretty much defeats the whole purpose of social media.   We also discovered, buried deep in the SOMFB bylaws, the fact that, because We tried to post repeatedly, “a few days” might mean any damn thing.  If anyone is looking for Us, We’ll be over on MySpace.  (At least We know there’ll be more people there than there are on Google+.)

So could folks help a social media whore out and share Our Capricorn video with your friends?  Or stick it on your page?  Or send it to the folks at the Logo network and get Us a damn contract?

You can share it using this:

http://youtu.be/qQ4zUrLmBPg

You can see it here:

Maybe if We just offer Jesse Eisenberg a few biblical favors, We can find Our way out of this mess.

And now, Charlene Tilton reads John Milton to Paris Hilton.  Alternatively, The HorrorScope:

 Make sure that you’re using your energy in the right way (Blowing Jesse Eisenberg, yes?)

(Ooops….was that vulgar?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)

— and that those around you are getting at least some of the benefit of it. (Jesse Eisenberg won’t know what hit him.  We can suck a golf ball through a garden hose.)

(What do We want?

A cure for Tourette’s!

When do We want it?

Cunt!)

(We love that joke.)

 You should be able to help yourself as you help the world.  (God helps those who helps themselves, so We’ll help Ourself to another helping of Hamburger Helper™.)

(Where did that saying come from?  We’re reasonably sure that Hamburger Helper™ isn’t in the bible.  Loaves-and-Fishes Helper™, probably, and Manna Helper™ almost definitely, but We’re pretty sure they didn’t kill the fatted calf and mix it up with Hamburger Helper™.  (They probably used Manwich™.))

(Hey, if RepubliKlan presidential candidates can make up what the bible says, so can We.)

Someone you usually have a real problem with is going to be a bigger part of this day than you’d ideally like or so you think, (We can only IMAGINE what that means.  Presumably, We’ll wind up having to blow Mark Zuckerberg instead of Jesse Eisenberg, when, all things considered, obviously…

…wait for it…

…are you ready?...

…We’d rather be an Eisenberger helper™ than a Zuckerberger Helper™.  (Oh, the comedy!  Our sides, they split; Our pants, We pee.))

but the good news is (There’s good news?)

that you will slowly find yourself getting to like their little idiosyncrasies as the day moves forward. (Why is it that, as soon as somebody tries to dismiss something as “a little idiosyncrasy”, it always turns out to be like cannibalism, or pedophilia, or the Spanish Inquisition?)

 Maybe it’s the more flexible mood you’ve been in lately, maybe it’s the pleasant turn in the weather, or maybe it’s just because you’re tired of being annoyed by them. (Or maybe Justin Bieber’s pubes.  (Hey, he’s seventeen.  If We ask him “que pasa?”, We can fuck him, as long as We eat him afterwards.))

(That was a little “cannibalism, pedophilia, Spanish inquisition” joke.  For all of Our pervert readers.)

(We used to be into S&M, necrophilia, and bestiality, but then We realized We were just beating a dead horse.)

Whatever the reason, rejoice in the fact that the day’s frustration level will be low.  (That’s what Jesse Eisenberg said.)

 Okay, guys and gals, (“Gals”?  Seriously?  What the hell is it, 1957?)

it’s time to set some goals. (You set the goals, Asshat; We’ll take care of the goalies.)

 Not the kind at either end of the football field — the romantic kind, sillies! (“Sillies”?  Oh, it’s 1957 on Fire Island.)

Who do you want to love, and when? (This is an Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulation)….you’re supposed to be telling Us.)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.