When you believe in things that you don’t understand, then you suffer

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  Friday, May Turd, Twenny-Turdteen.  Happy Birthday to Deborah, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, Happy Birthday to Larry, who also turns twenty-four today.  Also also, Happy Birthday to Shelita Buffet, who also also turns twenty-four today.  All right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  (Well, Shelita Buffet is actually in Chest Wester, but close enough.)

Belatedly, Happy Belated Birthday to OurAmericanCousin Chris, Elaine, Izzy, Pat, and Robb, each of whom turned twenty-four yesterday.  For a Grand Total of a hundred and twenty.  That’s eight hundred and forty in dog-years. Or, as We call them around these parts, “bitch-years”.

We missed all of those birthdays yesterday because We were absent from Bloggonia.  Oh, We’re fine.  No, really.  But thanks for asking.  The chirping crickets were a nice touch.

We have Precious Little to report.  (We feel as though We say that all the time, but a quick tiptoe through the tulips of Our archives shows that We have only employed said phrase eleven times before.  (Or, as Precious Little would say, “elebben”.)  Here is the most notable vintage occurrence:

“We have Precious Little to report.  Precious Little being, naturally, Chicken Little’s gay brother.  Who was totally fabulous, until the Skyy™ fell.  Apparently, no one ever taught him the old maxim, don’t cry over spilt vodka.  Precious little was heard of Precious Little after that, despite the ascent to stardom of his (and Chicken Little’s) older brother, Rich Little.  Who became famous for doing Paul Lynde.  Well, doing impressions of Paul Lynde.  He may or may not have done him, also.  Precious Little certainly would have, but he and Rich Little didn’t travel in the same circles much after The Frank Gorshin Incident.

(See how We just made something out of nothing there?  Stayed tuned, as later on, We shall being turning chickenshit into chicken salad.)”

Whatever would We do without The WayBack Machine to brighten up an otherwise dull e-pisstle to the E-phesians with a-phasia?

In other news, We had dinner last night at Good Dog, which is a very oddly-put-together bar and restaurant on 15^th Street, with the steepest staircases in the known universe.  We had never been there before, and, if any Gentle Reader could tell Us what the building was before it was Good Dog, We’d appreciate the history lesson.   Based on the staircases alone, We would be willing to bet on some nefarious goings-on in this building’s past.

Our WorldWideInterWebNetz had told Us prior to Our visit that We should try their award-winning Good Dog Burger, and since We do everything The Voices tell Us to do, We did.  It was indeed a delicious burger, although We were completely unenamored of the bun.   Fortunately, Our dinner companion had world-class lovely buns to make up for it.

Micro$oft Weird™ would have Us believe that “unenamored” is not a word’ but offers no suggestions for its replacement.  Nonenamored?  Antienamored?  Disenamored?  Armie Hammer (speaking of buns)?  We got nothin’.

 Attention, SitOnOurFaceBook friends:  We?  Do not play Farmville.  Are you fucking retarded?  How many fucking requests to shove a fucking rutabaga up your fucking stupid assholes do We fucking have to ignore before you fucking GET that We?  Do. Not. Play. Farmville.  Jeebus.

Well.  We feel much better now.  We love the smell of fucking rutabaga assfuckers in the morning. (That there is a fillum quote.  From Asspocalypse Now.)

Speaking of people with tuberous vegetables in their rectum (rectum?  We nearly  KILLED ‘em! (Why is this new paragraph making Us think of Michael Douglas and Matt Damon in that new Liberace movie?)), as you can see above, We have released Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:  Taurus video.  Here is the link with which you will share it with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums:

http://youtu.be/iGNw4zF7MSs

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Taurus video for comparison:

(Did anyone notice that all of the preceding was a rerun?  That’s what you get for sending crickets to inquire after Us when We go missing.  Next time, send Lassie.  For all you know, We could have fallen down the well like that mongoloid idiot of a Timmy. (Or like the pussy in “Ding Dong Bell”.  (Or like Timmy’s Dong in Belle’s pussy for the Ding, Ba-Da-Bing, that’s-what-she-said.)))

(Didn’t see that last bit coming, didja?)

And now (changing, for some artifactual reason, to birthday-cake-icing-baby-blue), here are the HorrorScopes:

Speaking of Bing, it is Bing Crosby’s birthday.  He is, however, dead, so don’t expect cake.  Also, when We went spelunking for celebrity birthdays, We came across this tidbit of disinformation (of which We are unenamored):

NOAH MUNCK 17

Plays the frequently-shirtless Gibby on iCarly.

We have no idea what any of those words mean.  (Oh, dear lord, We just Googled Mister Munck on Wikipedia…someone get the mental floss, the brain bleach, and a rusty grapefruit spoon with which to remove Our eyeballs.)

You’re a born leader, (Also, We are a rebel.  And We’ll never, ever be. Any good.)

even if you rarely exercise that talent. (Wethinks you’ve misplaced your period, Kelli.  (“Wethinks” is, of course, “methinks” using The Royal We.  (Vagina jokes are never funny.  Period.)))

Today brings you an opportunity (With ENORMOUS knockers.)

to step up and take charge when your people get confused, so be ready to save the day!  (Kiss Us quick, We’re Mighty Mouse.  Or Modest Mouse.  One of those.)

Don’t be afraid to step up and take on a new responsibility or two today.  (When you walk through a storm, hold your haddock high, and don’t be afraid of Dick Clark.)

Adding a few more ambitions (We keep telling you: it’s “amBITCHins”.)

to your life is not an invitation to failure. (Well, good.  Because We would definitely have to send regrets.)

(See what We did there?  That there was one of those existential jokes.  You can tell, because it wasn’t funny.)

Sure, you won’t be able to reach every goal for yourself.  (You go, Knute Rockne.)

(We’ll take “Things You Never Expected To See In An Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!” for $500, Alex.)

But the more goals you do set, the better your odds are for reaching at least one of them. (So, according to this theory, if We attempt to sleep with the entire Swedish Olympic Men’s Swim Team, We should get to bang at least one of them.  Nice.)

You can’t think in complete terms — right now, close enough is good enough.  (Okay, Kelli.  Stand over there while We throw these horseshoes at your head.)

Being perfect is never possible, (And, oddly enough, being imperfect is never impossible, so it all works out.)

but that should not stop you from trying to be better than you are right now. (Wait…it gets better than THIS?!?)

Any plans you make today should have some extra mojo behind them, (Eating FroYo in slo-mo at the HoJo’s next to the dojo…nope, We got nothin’.)

so why not shoot for the stars? (Because there’s a seven-day-waiting period for a gun.)

Send out a few hot invitations, slap together a few parties or just ask that one cutie (Patootie?)

out for real.  (Fo’ shizzle my nizzle.)

(What?)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

So sit on a happy face.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, September 3th, 2012.  Happy Labor Day to all of Our Gentle Readers who are in labor.  PUSH!  (Unfortunately, We already used up Our Happy Gabor Day joke over at the WaitStaff’s SitOnOurFaceBook page.)  We realize that the WorldWideInterWebNetz are practically closed today (We went to a porn site earlier, and some guy was masturbating as a tumbleweed rolled by.  (Either that, or We were looking in a mirror.  One of those.)), but We have so much to Cher with you, We just couldn’t contain Ourself.  So perhaps you shall read this first thing tomorrow morning upon your return to your Place Of Enjoyment.

Is that how it works?  We have no idea how and when YouPeople read these things.  (Well, other than you naked skimmers.  We can SEE you.  And it is truly disgusting the way you wet your thumb when you want to turn the page…)  So please feel free to tell Us about your Erix Daily Horoscope reading habits in the comments section below…

(Micro$oft Weird™ wants Us to change “wet your thumb” in the preceding to “get your thumb”.  Take the day off, Micro$oft Weird™; apparently, you need it worse than the rest of Us.)

Thank you all for bearing with Us during last week’s retrospective.  We, of course, were Taking The Waters At Lourdes.  (Alternatively, We were relaxing poolside at The Sainted Mother’s, but We wanted you to attempt to conjure the mental image of Us Taking The Waters At Lourdes.  Whatever the fuck “Taking The Waters At Lourdes” even means.  We have no idea, but We’re fairly certain that if We were (subjunctively) Taking The Waters At Lourdes, whoever is in charge there would be Having The Vapors At Lourdes.  Just sayin’.)

The Big Story On Action News is, of course, that We have been named “Groovy Reader of the Month” over at Marc Harshbarger’s Deep Dish groovy gay pop culture blog.  Which will surprise no one who knows Us, as we are nothing if not groovy, nothing if not gay, We pop out at parties, and We have more culture than Cleopatra’s pussy. Why, however, they chose to use a picture of HimSelf instead of Us is a mystery.  As payback, you will see a picture of HimSelf that they did NOT use as today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Jus Tin Bie Ber’s Anus.

Here is the link to the article in question: http://marcharshbarger.blogspot.com/2012/09/groovy-reader-of-month-eric-singel.html

Also, of course, this coming Friday is the opening of the Philadelphia Fringe Festival, and, coincidentally, the opening of the WaitStaff’s The Real Housewives of South Philly Play The Match Game! , for which you will obtain your tickets here:  http://livearts-fringe.ticketleap.com/real-housewives-of-south-philly-play-match-game/#view=calendar

It will no doubt amuse at least some of you to know that We recently had a dream about this show, in which the game We were playing had changed from The Match Game  to Hearts.  You know, the card game.  So We were rehearsing, all sitting in the Match Game positions, playing cards, while We attempted to explain that, if one of the Real Housewives got the chance to Shoot The Moon (which, if you play Hearts, you know is not dirty AT ALL, no matter WHAT it sounds like), We should throw the game and let them, as it would be more dramatic that way.

Yeah.  So.  When you order your Fringe tickets, do not accidentally order tickets to  The Real Housewives of South Philly Play Hearts.

Also, apropos of absolutely nothing, if you find ways to let Us know that you think We are less equal than you are, We are going to have A Problem.

Here, in case you missed it during last week’s retrospective, is this: http://make-everything-ok.com/

And here is the horoscope:

(It is Charlie Sheen’s birthday.  We are going to assume that a whole bunch of jokes just told themselves.)

You need to open yourself up (OOOOOOOHHHHH!!!!)

to new experiences and new people. (Is that Johnny Depp in your pocket, or are you just happy to see Us?)

It’s easier than you may think (Much like Us Our Own Self.)

— and you should find that your amazing personal energy (Jigga WUT?)

helps you to make a great impression!  (Didja ever see Frank Gorshin do Rich Little?  Now THAT was a great impression.)

(Oh, get your mind out of the gutter…it’s crowding out Ours.)

Your ambition has a lot of control over you, right now, but it could be forcing you to take on more than you can really handle. (Hey, you’re the one who told Us to open up…)

Be mindful of how full your plate is (Wait…there’s food?)

— there is no point (Indeed.)

in taking on any more projects if you don’t have the energy that you need to deal with them. (Hey, SHE said it, not Us.)

You’ll only get frustrated (“Get”?)

and build up a reputation for being flaky or unreliable — and that is not who you really are.  (Indeed not.  Which reminds Us of an anecdote We wanted to Cher.  When We returned (from Lourdes), We had a piece of snail mail from OurShaunAcrossThePond (hi, Shaun!), with a pixture of a muscular young man’s naked posterior and some words of wisdom about anorectal health from an AIDS organization in the UK.  Emblazoned across the perky posterior were the words “Anal Mucus”.  Which, as We pointed out to OurShaunAcrossThePond in a subsequent email, was Our nickname in high school.  Now THAT is who We are.)

Let some stuff pass on by today.  (But NOT Anal Mucus.)

Someone needs the experiences more than you do.  (Someone needs Depends™.)

It’s time to direct your abundant energy into the most constructive and creative channel you can find.  (We are guessing that would NOT be the DuMont channel)

(SHADDUP!)

Maybe that means focusing on dating and mating — or maybe another topic entirely is more intriguing to you. (Based on The Silence Of The InterNetzLambz and the crickets We can hear chirping from here, We are guessing it ends in “-bating”.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Precious and few are the moments we two can Cher

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WenchDay, July 11, 2012.  Happy birthday to OurMaryPat, who turns twenty-four today.  And Happy Hump Day to the rest of all y’all.  Not that you’ll bother wishing Us the same, but that’s the kind of philanthropical Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) We are…We just give and GIVE and GIVE.

We have Precious Little to report.  Precious Little being, naturally, Chicken Little’s gay brother.  Who was totally fabulous, until the Skyy™ fell.  Apparently, no one ever taught him the old maxim, don’t cry over spilt vodka.  Precious little was heard of Precious Little after that, despite the ascent to stardom of his (and Chicken Little’s) older brother, Rich Little.  Who became famous for doing Paul Lynde.  Well, doing impressions of Paul Lynde.  He may or may not have done him, also.  Precious Little certainly would have, but he and Rich Little didn’t travel in the same circles much after The Frank Gorshin Incident.

See how We just made something out of nothing there?  Stayed tuned, as later on, We shall being turning chickenshit into chicken salad.

Speaking of turning chickenshit into chicken salad, the WaitStaff will be playing The Match Game on Friday, July 13 and Saturday, July 14, at 7:30, at L’Etage.  The SitOnMyFaceBook event is here: http://www.facebook.com/events/234467316672300/, but since YouPeople pay no attention to Us whatsoever, We shall just simply tell you here in big, bold letters that Our Sistah Ovella (aka BOB MASON) will be playing Charles Nelson Reilly this time around.  So get your tickets NOW, HERE:    http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/255809 .  Be there, or be BLANK.)

Here’s the HorrorScope:

We have just been informed that it is Lisa Rinna’s birthday.  Feel free to either wet your pants, or slam your face into the wall until your lips swell to four times their normal size.

You can’t sit still for more than a few minutes. (Well, of course not.  We just wet Our pants in honor of Lisa Rinna’s birthday, and it’s chafing.)

You may get some great news, but even more likely you’re just rambunctious from pent-up energy that has to be spent. (May We just say that “rambunctious” is one of those words, much like “akimbo” and “mulligatawny”, that One can just never hear enough of.)

(We weren’t really ASKING “may We”, hence the absence of a question mark.)

Enjoy the results!  (Oh, sure.  Like We ever get any of THOSE.)

The culture that you’ve been a part of hasn’t been feeling like the right fit lately (Are you saying We should join a different Culture Club?)

(Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon…kiss Us quick, We’re Boy George.  Or Lynda Day George.  One of those.)

— is it time to see how the other half lives? (Depending on which half it is, could We watch ‘em die instead?)

Call up someone you know whose lifestyle is one you’d like to experience for a while. (We don’t even have a life; what are We gonna do with a lifestyle?)

The only thing stopping you from making a change in your life is you.  (Well, that and the fact that Lisa Rinna only left Us one pair of Depends™.)

‘All the Right Moves’ could be the title of your autobiography. (All the Right Moves is the Tom Cruise movie where he shows his penis.  What self-respecting gay boi doesn’t know THAT?  (It don’t matter how cray-cray he gets, We’d still fuck him.  (Oh, so would you, too.  Get off your high horse, Precious Little.  And while you’re at it, stop wasting good weed on your damn horse.)))

You know what to say and which cutie to say it to. (We’re not allowed to talk to cuties any more, now that there’s a restraining order and all.  (It’s sort of like The Frank Gorshin Incident, but with cameraphones.))

If you weren’t so natural and spontaneous, some might think you’ve had this planned from the start. (Well-planned spontaneity is the key to success.  Well, that and being able to fake sincerity.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.