Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WenchDay, July 11, 2012. Happy birthday to OurMaryPat, who turns twenty-four today. And Happy Hump Day to the rest of all y’all. Not that you’ll bother wishing Us the same, but that’s the kind of philanthropical Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) We are…We just give and GIVE and GIVE.
We have Precious Little to report. Precious Little being, naturally, Chicken Little’s gay brother. Who was totally fabulous, until the Skyy™ fell. Apparently, no one ever taught him the old maxim, don’t cry over spilt vodka. Precious little was heard of Precious Little after that, despite the ascent to stardom of his (and Chicken Little’s) older brother, Rich Little. Who became famous for doing Paul Lynde. Well, doing impressions of Paul Lynde. He may or may not have done him, also. Precious Little certainly would have, but he and Rich Little didn’t travel in the same circles much after The Frank Gorshin Incident.
See how We just made something out of nothing there? Stayed tuned, as later on, We shall being turning chickenshit into chicken salad.
Speaking of turning chickenshit into chicken salad, the WaitStaff will be playing The Match Game on Friday, July 13 and Saturday, July 14, at 7:30, at L’Etage. The SitOnMyFaceBook event is here: http://www.facebook.com/events/234467316672300/, but since YouPeople pay no attention to Us whatsoever, We shall just simply tell you here in big, bold letters that Our Sistah Ovella (aka BOB MASON) will be playing Charles Nelson Reilly this time around. So get your tickets NOW, HERE: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/255809 . Be there, or be BLANK.)
Here’s the HorrorScope:
We have just been informed that it is Lisa Rinna’s birthday. Feel free to either wet your pants, or slam your face into the wall until your lips swell to four times their normal size.
You can’t sit still for more than a few minutes. (Well, of course not. We just wet Our pants in honor of Lisa Rinna’s birthday, and it’s chafing.)
You may get some great news, but even more likely you’re just rambunctious from pent-up energy that has to be spent. (May We just say that “rambunctious” is one of those words, much like “akimbo” and “mulligatawny”, that One can just never hear enough of.)
(We weren’t really ASKING “may We”, hence the absence of a question mark.)
Enjoy the results! (Oh, sure. Like We ever get any of THOSE.)
The culture that you’ve been a part of hasn’t been feeling like the right fit lately (Are you saying We should join a different Culture Club?)
(Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon…kiss Us quick, We’re Boy George. Or Lynda Day George. One of those.)
— is it time to see how the other half lives? (Depending on which half it is, could We watch ‘em die instead?)
Call up someone you know whose lifestyle is one you’d like to experience for a while. (We don’t even have a life; what are We gonna do with a lifestyle?)
The only thing stopping you from making a change in your life is you. (Well, that and the fact that Lisa Rinna only left Us one pair of Depends™.)
‘All the Right Moves’ could be the title of your autobiography. (All the Right Moves is the Tom Cruise movie where he shows his penis. What self-respecting gay boi doesn’t know THAT? (It don’t matter how cray-cray he gets, We’d still fuck him. (Oh, so would you, too. Get off your high horse, Precious Little. And while you’re at it, stop wasting good weed on your damn horse.)))
You know what to say and which cutie to say it to. (We’re not allowed to talk to cuties any more, now that there’s a restraining order and all. (It’s sort of like The Frank Gorshin Incident, but with cameraphones.))
If you weren’t so natural and spontaneous, some might think you’ve had this planned from the start. (Well-planned spontaneity is the key to success. Well, that and being able to fake sincerity.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.