Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday The Thirteenth (dun-DUN-dun!) of July, 2012. It feels to Us as though we just had the entire discussion about Kevin Bacon’s Ass Day last month…turns out, it was all the way back in April. If you want to review said discussion, you may go here: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2012/04/all-boys-think-shes-spy.html , where you will also enjoy pixtures of Kevin Bacon’s (Much Younger) Ass in a Speedo™, as well as a close-up of Kevin Bacon’s Bacon in a Speedo™. Don’t say We never did nothing for ya.
This is the THIRD Kevin Bacon’s Ass Day of this year. (There was also one in January. Which see: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2012/01/and-mailman-won-lottery.html .) Not that We ever tire of Kevin Bacon’s Ass, mind you. Enjoy it while you can, though, because there isn’t another Kevin Bacon’s Ass Day until September 2013.
And if you think THAT’S bad, The Lovely And Talented Willam Belli has JURY DUTY today. Yes, in West Hollywood, but still. Erix Daily Horoscope, making your life seem better by comparison. Since 2001.
Speaking of bacon and ass, the WaitStaff will be playing The Match Game tonight and tomorrow night, at 7:30, at L’Etage. The SitOnMyFaceBook event is here: http://www.facebook.com/events/234467316672300/, but since YouPeople pay no attention to Us whatsoever, We shall just simply tell you here in big, bold letters that Our Sistah Ovella (aka BOB MASON) will be playing Charles Nelson Reilly this time around. So get your tickets NOW, HERE: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/255809 . Be there, or be BLANK.)
Meanwhile, because We are edumacational in addition to being entertaining, here’s this: http://gizmodo.com/5917809/the-truth-about-semen
Here’s the HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthdays today, We shall be bypassing all the too-easy Harrison Ford jokes like the True Highly-Trained Professional that We are to inform you that today is the birthday of Erno Rubik, inventor of the Rubik’s cube. Put THAT in your medicinal marijuana pipe and toke it.
Your forceful ways are making a real splash today (Insert watersports joke here.)
— but you are also maintaining good relations with your people. (Ah, yes, Our People. We would like to see these alleged Our People tonight at The Match Game. What are the odds?)
It’s a fine balance between tact and retreat, and you know just how to work it. (We also know how to werq it. Because We’re gay like that.)
The best way to get what you want today is to speak up and ask for it! (Oh, no, you don’t. You’ve pulled that crap on Us too many times for Us to be fooled again. How many times do you actually think We’re gonna say, “Fine. Give Us Johnny Depp’s phone number” and listen to crickets chirp before We’re on to you and your little game?)
And remember that using diplomacy can work wonders (Semi-automatic weapons are good, too.)
— be forceful with tact, (Or tactful with force. (Or fool ‘em all and fart out a torte. (Technically, of course, that would be a shart. But then the wordplay wouldn’t work.))
and people will understand what you want without feeling attacked or pressured. (Where’s the fun in that?)
Plus, you deserve this, and everyone around you knows it. (Not that they’re gonna DO anything about it.)
You know the saying: You have two ears and one mouth, so listen twice as much as you speak. (You also (well, some of you, anyway) have two balls and one dick, so…how does THAT saying end?)
Not only will your attentiveness charm your potential cutie, (Sorry…what did you say?)
you’ll enjoy taking a rest from having to be the amusing one. (Um, no. No, We’re not imagining We’d enjoy that at all.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.