Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, July 6, 2012. We cheated, and peeked ahead at celebrity birthdays today…not only is it 50 Cent’s birthday, and Sylvester Stallone’s birthday, and Burt Ward’s birthday, it is also the Dalai Lama’s birthday! If that doesn’t mean it’s time to stick a candle in your Ding-Dong™, We don’t know what does! Now let’s get through this horoscope thingie, so We can go hire a stripper for the Dalai Lama.
(We just said We’re gonna try to speed through this; We have no time to reflect on the stupidity of Micro$oft Weird™ not knowing what a “thingie” is.)
We are currently picturing several of you with a candle in your Ding-Dong™. It’s fun.
Moving on, to the subject of email scams, The Nigerian Prince practically has his own sit-com by now (We are thinking Chris Rock), and We are all familiar with Our “friend who is stranded in London/Istanbul/Singapore having lost her passport/purse/credit cards” and just needs Us to wire her a few thousand dollars to get her home. And, as We know, these things are churned out by robot computers in the remote steppes of Dumbfuckistan, so there’s no sense in doing anything but deleting them and moving on with One’s life. However, yesterday, We received a similar e-pisstle which was deeply disturbing in a whole new way:
Subject: Read In Your Best Interest (Classified)
From: Your Friend
Attention! I want you to read this message very carefully and wisely, and then keep the secret with you till further notice. I'm a professional; hence you have no need of knowing who I am, where am from, until I arrange for a face to face meeting. I have been duly paid $50, 000.00 in advance to terminate your life for some reasons listed to me by my employer, its one I believe you call a friend. Surreptitiously, I have been following you closely for a month now and have seen that you are innocent of the accusation leveled against you. In your best interest, do not contact the Police or try to send a copy of this to any security agents, because if you do, I will certainly know through the impeccable assistance of my secret agents, and will be forced to do what I have being duly paid to do, beside this is the first time I turned out to be a betrayer against the ethic of my profession. Now listen, I will arrange for us to see face to face but before that I need the amount of $70,000.00, you have nothing to be afraid of. I will be coming to see you in your Office or Home determine where you wish we meet, do not set any Camera to cover us or set up any tape to record our conversation, my employer is in my control now. You will need to transfer $20, 000.00 to the account I will provide for you, before we will set our first meeting, after you have make the first advance payment to the account, I will provide you with the Tape that contains his request for me to assassinate you, which will be enough proof for you to charge him to Court (if you wish to do so), then the balance will be paid later. You don't need my phone contact for now till am assured you are ready to comply, and being silence on this matter is very dangerous. The choice remains yours, and you have the next 72hrs to make that choice, otherwise you will live your limited life watching your back. A word is enough for the wise!
You see what We mean? Now, We are not a lawyer (although We would love to play one on TV), but doesn’t it seem as though there’s a second crime afoot there, beyond the attempt to defraud? Isn’t it illegal to threaten to kill people? And We could only imagine the reaction of some poor recipient of this missive who is not as tightly wrapped as We are…
Speaking of guns for hire, the WaitStaff will be playing The Match Game on Friday, July 13 and Saturday, July 14, at 7:30, at L’Etage. The SitOnMyFaceBook event is here: http://www.facebook.com/events/234467316672300/, but since YouPeople pay no attention to Us whatsoever, We shall just simply tell you here in big, bold letters that Our Sistah Ovella (aka BOB MASON) will be playing Charles Nelson Reilly this time around. So get your tickets NOW, HERE: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/255809 . Be there, or be BLANK.)
We just took a random peek at Ye Olde Google-O-Meter, and discovered that some poor soul had landed on these hallowed pages by searching Jimmy Connors shirtless. Being fairly certain that We’d never mentioned Jimmy Connors in these e-pisstles (for one reason, because We’re only vaguely clear on who he is), We set off to investigate, whereupon We learned two things: Number One: if you are Googling for something specific, it is vitally important to enclose phrases in quotation marks. Thus, “Jimmy Connors shirtless”, or “Jimmy Connors” shirtless, neither of which will bring you to Erix Daily Horoscope. (Well, they will NOW…too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.) And (B.), Google fuzzy-matches “shirtless” with “naked”(!) Which YOU know is not the same thing, and WE know is not the same thing, but apparently Google does not. Which isn’t SO surprising, considering that Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t even know what a thingie is.
Here’s the HorrorScope:
Your new ideas are sure to be winners (Or wieners…one of those.)
(This has been a three-day wiener theme thingie. And now, to screw up all you perverted Googlers’ perverted Google searches: “Jimmy Connors’ wiener, naked and shirtless”.)
— and it might even be relatively simple to get others to see things your way! (And We would care because…?)
Make sure that you’re pushing things as far as they can go for now. (Maybe that’s it…We could become a pusher. Anybody wanna buy some bath salts? Or a loofah?)
Get ready for an unexpected ally to show up today when you get into a disagreement with a coworker. (If We can get ready for it, it’s not exactly unexpected, is it? Especially now that you’ve told Us about it. AssHat.)
Someone you rarely agree with is actually going to see things your way — in fact, they may even come to your defense and help you win this debate. (Never debate with stupid people. They will drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.)
You two are more compatible than you ever realized, and it’s time you discovered just how compatible that is. (Note to Self: new sit-com: I Married A Republican.)
The two of you have the possibility for a very bright future, (Do We gotta wear shades?)
so spend some social time with them soon. (What fun! We can catch up on Our social diseases.)
Get to know their other side! (Smut, smut, chicken butt.)
You’re feeling the weight of the world bearing down today. (Was that a fat joke?)
But remember, you’re surrounded by people who care about you, and they’re happy to be there with support and assistance. (So what if they’re all imaginary.)
Let go of some your troubles by calling up a close friend. (First, an unexpected ally was gonna show up, then We were surrounded…SURROUNDED, you said…by people who care about Us, and now We have to resort to the telephone?!? Get yo’ shit together, Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist).)
They’ll bring you the joy you need. (Mmm-hmm. With Our luck, it’ll be Joy Behar.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.