Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ToothDay, July 10, 2012. A new survey reveals that five percent of Canadians are gay. Clearly, this survey is flawed, as everyone knows that ALL Canadians are lesbians. In other news, all Englishmen are gay. No Frenchmen are gay, but they will all fuck guys. And didja hear the one about the Polish lesbian? She liked men.
As you can tell, We are a little distraught this morning. We emailed yesterday’s restaurant review to the restaurant reviewed therein, and never heard a peep out of them. Typed Our fingers to the bone, We did. Sigh.
In other news, Our apologies to everyone who was affected by the hackage of Our email account. If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.
Yesterday was jam-packed and fun-filled; today, We got nothin’.
Speaking of fudge-packed and jam-filled, the WaitStaff will be playing The Match Game on Friday, July 13 and Saturday, July 14, at 7:30, at L’Etage. The SitOnMyFaceBook event is here: http://www.facebook.com/events/234467316672300/, but since YouPeople pay no attention to Us whatsoever, We shall just simply tell you here in big, bold letters that Our Sistah Ovella (aka BOB MASON) will be playing Charles Nelson Reilly this time around. So get your tickets NOW, HERE: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/255809 . Be there, or be BLANK.)
Here’s the HorrorScope:
Oh, sure, NOW We find out that it’s Jessica Simpson’s birthday. When all the good gifts are no doubt already spoken for.
You are getting the party started early today (You have clearly confused “party” with “potty”.)
— even if it means sneaking back home at lunch or otherwise tricking the powers that be. (Have you SEEN the powers that be? Who the hell would turn tricks with these people?)
Your energy just can’t be contained, (BAZINGA!!!)
so make sure that you’re out there! (We are so far out there, We are practically in here.)
(We have no idea what that means.)
Today’s going to start off as a very calm day, with nary a ripple on the water’s proverbial surface. (Yeah. Write Us a fucking haiku about it, why don’t’cha?)
But as the day goes on, (And on, and on.)
there will be lots of activity right under that surface. (Plankton, no doubt. (You never see a movie about killer plankton. One wonders why not.))
Sharks are swimming down there, and while they don’t have specific designs on taking a chunk out of your flesh, they do have some ulterior motives for their sweet-sounding ideas. (We were just talking about sharks earlier, on the InterNetz. Sharks on bicycles, actually. (Don’t ask.))
Ask questions. (Why?)
(See what We did there?)
(Heh. That was another one.)
Probe deeper. (That’s what she said.)
Discover the true motivations of people today, (Do We have to?)
and you’ll be able to stick to safe waters. (“Safe waters”? Do you know what fish DO in water? To say nothing of sharks. Especially on bicycles.)
(No, really: say NOTHING.)
Turn the flame down low and let stuff simmer a bit. (Listen to you, Julia Fucking Child.)
(Was that pedophilia just then?)
You’ll notice something or someone you’ll miss if you’re in full-on working it mode. (Sorry…did you say something?)
And by tonight, the stars start heating things up for you. (So wait…We don’t have to make Our Own dinner?)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.