Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, July 12, 2012. Happy birthday to MizKathleen, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in Suburbia. And happy Friday the Thirteenth Eve to the rest of all y’all.
It occurs to Us that We may not have mentioned in these hallowed pages that We had taken in a boarder. This would be the self-same boarder who took up residence here in 2010 after he returned to these parts from the Aloha State. (Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), One wonders just how much of what particular controlled substance One would need to partake of to induce in Oneself a State of Aloha.) After a brief sojourn (er…truth (heh…We kill Us)) on the opposite side of Pennsyltucky in La Brea Tar Pitts Burg, he was returning to The City That Loves You (On Your) Back to say aloha to friends and family before returning to the State of Aloha when he decided to remain in these here parts instead.
As They say, Abcess mates with Henry Fonda. (Gawd, They say weird things.)
The point of bringing this all up now (you’re shocked, We know, to find that We have a point. Other than the one on Our head. Next to the hole.), when said boarder has been living here since May, is to share the news that he has now departed. Yes, indeed, We are no longer being treated to the appearance of a half-nekkid str8 boi with Red-Delicious-Apple cheeks upstairs and down as We attempt to pen these e-pisstles; We hope We can somehow muddle through.
On the plus side, this particular e-pisstle is late because We can now do housework in the morning, and We can run about OurHouseWhereWeLive bareass nekkid and shower with the bathroom door open.
The moral of the story? Do not EVAH drop by OurHouseWhereWeLive unannounced, especially in the morning.
Also, since when is “bareass” not a word? Not only is it a word, it’s one of Our very FAVORITE words.
So We trust you’ve all recovered from your Lisa Rinna Birthday Celebrations. We have, just barely. (Also bareassedly (that being the adverbial form of “bareassed” (which is a WORD, goddammit!))) There are really only so many pairs of Depends™ One can soak through before One has to declare the party totally out of control.
Speaking of peeing your pants, the WaitStaff will be playing The Match Game tomorrow, Friday, July 13 and Saturday, July 14, at 7:30, at L’Etage. The SitOnMyFaceBook event is here: http://www.facebook.com/events/234467316672300/, but since YouPeople pay no attention to Us whatsoever, We shall just simply tell you here in big, bold letters that Our Sistah Ovella (aka BOB MASON) will be playing Charles Nelson Reilly this time around. So get your tickets NOW, HERE: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/255809 . Be there, or be BLANK.)
Here’s the HorrorScope:
Kelly wants Us to know that it is Michelle Rodriguez’s birthday. Since We’re not entirely sure who the hell that is, We would like to point otut hat it is also Richard Simmons’s (that’ssss a LOT of ESSSSESSSS) birthday, as well as Tom Kenny’s birthday. (“Who is Tom Kenny?” you ask? The voice of SpongeBob SquarePants.) We would also point out that it is George Washington Carver’s birthday, but then We would have to sing “Found A Peanut”, and that might get stuck in your heads…
Found a peanut,
Found a peanut,
Found a peanut just now
I just now
Found a peanut,
Found a peanut,
Cracked it open…oops. Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.
Meanwhile, how is it that “SpongeBob” is a word, but “SquarePants” is not? Explain THAT one to US, Micro$oft Weird™.
Your values are out in the open today (Double Coupon Day again? Who knew?)
— and are likely being tested! (We told you to give him two test tickles.)
(Does that joke ever get old? No, it does not.)
Just make sure that you stand by whatever you truly believe in, and the situation should take care of itself. (Mmm-hmm. Also, the check is in the mail, the dog ate Our homework, and We won’t come in your mouth.)
Don’t be surprised (SURPRISE!!!)
when someone has to jump up and down or squirt you with a water pistol to get your attention today (“Squirt you with a water pistol” had damn well better best be a euphemism.)
— you will be blissfully lost in thought throughout most of the day. (Sorry…did you say something?)
You are slowly moving towards a more inward time, when you will dive deep into yourself to sort through your feelings and figure out where you want to go next. (Wow. Wasn’t that just all warm and fuzzy, touchy-feely, namby-pamby Artoo-Detoo?)
(Wouldn’t you like to be a peplum too?)
There are a few mountains for you to climb, (Funny, Mother Superior said We had to climb EVERY mountain. (Well, actually she said “EV’RY”, but who’s gonna correct a 400-pound deranged lesbian with a ruler in her hand?))
and deciding which one to ascend first requires you to take some quiet time on your own. (How do you solve a problem like gonorrhea?)
The human heart contains an infinite number of possibilities and responses. (Until you pound a stake through it. So, thanks.)
So don’t assume that because you and this person have been getting along, (A long what?)
you’re going to have the same reaction to this event. (Can We have an equal and opposite reaction? With a side of inertia?)
(Long-(LOOOOONNNGGG)-time Gentle Readers will recall Sucretia and Epiphany from the MyBus. Inertia was their half-sister…Mitochondria was her mama, but Saliva was not her daddy.)
(How wuzzat for a little nostalgia?)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.