June Cleaver is busting out all over

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManicottiMonday, June 2^th , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Karly, who does NOT turn twenty-four today, somewhere in Greater Bostonia.  We allegedly made not one, but two, student fillums with her a while back.  We say “allegedly”, because We have never seen said fillums, so their existence is unclear to Us.  Much like the age-old question, if Helen Keller falls down in a forest, is there sound?  Of course, the non-existence of said fillums would not necessarily be a terrible thing, We having a face for radio as We do.

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Andre, and Jonathan, and Cut-Films, each of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend.  We have not made any fillums with Cut-Films, despite their having “Fillums” in their name.  And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Belated Birthday to Rob, also in Greater Bostonia.  Our Comeback Tour shall come there eventually, We promise.

So We had guests for Our murder mystery this weekend.  Which made it seem much less like work.  We are hearing from independent sources that Our guests are saying that a good time was had by all, so We guess We didn’t suck.  Ask Us about discount tickets to come see Us; in June, Our Fridays are the 13^th (dun-dun-DUN) and the 27^th.

In other news, We bought a new bathroom wastebasket.

You WISH you were (subjunctively) Us, but you couldn’t handle the glamour.

Speaking of birthdays, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Libby Holman.

(We are just going to keep right on saying that until that show closes, thereby demonstrating the utter futility of Creative ViZZZualization.  (Although apparently We have viZZZualized well enough that one poor deluded Gentle Reader actually imagines that We already HAVE said tickets.))

(How many of you are now picturing Libby Holman as Yitzhak?  (How many of you would know where to begin if you had to picture Libby Holman to save your life? (How many of you are now saying, “That stupid bitch Starzina can keep doing this gag all the way till August, ain’t NOBODY buying her no damn Hedwig tickets”?)))

In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Gemini, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js ))).

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Gemini video, which is the first Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, Jerry Mathers (of “and Jerry Mathers as The Beaver” fame) was born today. As was Martha Washington. And, presumably, her beaver.  Which, interestingly enough, had wooden teeth.  Sort of like Lincoln Logs™.  Except that was a whole ‘nother president. And if you think that We will stoop so low as to tell Mary Todd Lincoln’s vagina jokes, you’ve got a whole ‘nother think coming.

Vagina dentata, hakuna metata.  You say “po-TAY-to”, and We say “po-TAH-to”…find the keys and We’ll drive out.

Oooops.

Since there is clearly no way to top the preceding, herewith in lieu of call-and-response with Kelli The AssHatt is A Reading From Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

Welcome back and thank you for consulting Madame Olivia.

Here's a thought that is going to sound Biblical or Shakespearean, so wise is it and so well said: It is good to love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is well done! Guess who said it. Give up? Vincent van Gogh! He said it (in a letter to his brother, of course) in the context of staying connected to multiple people, which Madame Olivia preaches day and night. Hope this is timely for you.

And now, little Aries, good news from the stars above. The oft-noted movement of Neptune into Pisces augurs extremely well for you, especially as you find yourself in situations where you feel constrained. You might feel like busting loose but Madame Olivia counsels something simpler for you: be still and let yourself be open to a different way of doing things. This conscious openness will invite wonderful new thinking.

Virtue of the hour: patience

Our time together today is drawing to a close. Madame Olivia bids you au revoir and good luck until we meet again.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Petals on a pool, drifting

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for HumpDay, May 2th, 2012.  Happy birthday to Our American Cousin (other than THAT, how did you like the play, Mrs. Lincoln?) Chris, who turns twenty-four today.  Many of you must think it peculiar that We have so many cousins who are all the same age, but We come from a large family.  With a small abacus.  (That was a little math joke (very little), for Our Geek Readers.  (Later on, We’ll tell a butt secks joke.  For Our Greek Readers.))

Speaking of butt secks, from the Things That Have Been Amusing Us On The WorldWideInterWebNetz This Week Department, it would appear that there is an independently published comic series entitled Bone, which was originally serialized in 55 irregularly released issues from 1991 to 2004.  Apparently, said comic series is enjoying a resurgence of popularity amongst young str8 gentlemen of Our acquaintance, a fact which We have only learnt because of SitOnMyFaceBook’s penchant for sharing people’s proclivities with The Universe.  So all week We have been reading SitOnMyFaceBook updates that say things like “Michael Doherty likes Bone” and giggling to Ourself.  Because We are twelve.

Michael Doherty is, of course, the Barrymore-award-winning actor who appeared as Justin Bieber in Our Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Pisces  video.  Which We shall insert here, in case you somehow managed to miss it:

Heh.  “Michael Doherty likes Bone”.  We kill Us.  (Equally funny, or possibly even funnier, is the bizarre SitOnMyFaceBook construction “Bone.  Michael Doherty likes this.”, which actually makes Our inner twelve-year-old giggle even more. (Oh.  My.  God.  No wonder We’re so fat…there’s a twelve-year-old in there.))

In other news, it will come as no surprise to many of you that We?  Have fucked up again.  Sigh.  Where is all this wisdom that is supposed to come with age?  Jesus.

Speaking of Jesus, He will be appearing in The Match Game (see below), and, having been freed of the constraints of the usual WaitStaffian white-shirt-black-pants uniform, has chosen a lovely 70s ensemble for the occasion.  In fact, We venture to say the outfit alone is well worth the price of admission.  

The WaitStaff Plays The Match Game!

The most hilarious, bawdy, risque game show from the 70s, 80s, and 90s returns with a spin that only the WaitStaff could give it! Featuring icons such as host Gene Rayburn and celebrity players extraordinaire like Charles Nelson Reilly and Bret Somers, as well as WaitStaff favorites like Jesus H. Christ and The Real Housewives of South Philly's Duchess, along with a few Extra Special Guest Stars, including the lovely and talented Sharon Geller and the talented and lovely Peter Patrikios, We'll be rocking L'Etage on May 2, 3, and 4.

The shows are at 7:30, and the doors open at 7. Tickets are $15, but, if you mention that you heard about the show in Eric’s Daily Horoscope, you'll get in for $10. And, if you're up for it, you could even be a Match Game contestant and win Fabulous Prizes! 

Tickets are ONLY available at the door, so get there early, get your drink on, and GET READY TO MATCH THE STARS!!!

We do hope to see you there.  (Here is a link to the SitOnMyFaceBook event, if you’d like to let Us know that you’re coming:http://www.facebook.com/events/377171015666589/ )

Here is a link to Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Taurus: which you can use to share it with your very own personal friends who are currently birthdaying:http://youtu.be/KlqQw4TppqY

And, because its brilliance cannot be overstated, Our new motto:  Uranus is Our Rosebud.

And now, the HorrorScope:

You have to show that special friend how much they mean to you.  (Once again, apparently We are supposed to spend Our day explaining things to ‘tards. (Do you think We could get paid if We started a shoe-tying class?))

Do something nice so they can feel the love, even if they’re halfway across the world.   (So wait…suddenly We’re in charge of ALL the ‘tards?  That’s a whole lotta ‘tard goin’ on there.  What about the ‘tards who are ‘tardy in another language?  Perhaps We could invent some universal ‘tard language.  Like Pig Latin, only gruntier.  (We’re well on Our wayto some “’tards rooting for truffles” joke, but We think We’ll stop here.  After all, We still have to be spontaneously funny this evening, and We wouldn’t want to shoot Our wad (heh) early.))

(Although We do like Bone.)

Pay it forward!  (Oh, indeed.  We are single-handedly making Michael Doherty a star.  Smell Us.)

You have done an admirable job of putting your own interests aside in favor of the larger group’s desires lately, (Yeah, wuzzup wit dat?)

but you must be careful that you don’t make this type of extreme generosity a habit. (Indeed.  Because We would look awful in a habit.  We need bright colors.  And Spanx™.  And some sedatives for Our inner twelve-year-old.)

Balance is important, (Jack Palance, on the other hand, is dead.)

and you have to weigh the pros and cons of each situation as it comes up. (With a knick-knack paddywhack, give a dog a Bone…sorry; what were you saying?)

You can’t understand the right way to move forward until you thoroughly examine a situation. (ExACTly.  You have to know all the ins and outs.  In, out, in, out, in, out…repeat as necessary.)

Giving up what you want should not be your automatic reaction.  (Oh, no.  It’s much better to lose what you want in a long, bloody battle.  Trust Us.)

Life is full of accidents, (Just ask modern couples’ third children.)

and not all of them involve a visit to the ER. (Certainly not, if you’re wearing Depends™.)

Your next romance could be all due to kismet.  (Honey, NOBODY does Kismet anymore.  Get some gay friends.  Jeebus.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Mocha chocolatta ya ya, Creole Lady Marmalade

Greetings, Eggplantine Remoulade Invigorates Cornbread---

(Okay, We may have coined “eggplantine” as a stretch based on the existence of aubergine Ovaltine™.   But “remoulade” is so too a word, Micro$oft Weird™.  You don’t get out much, do ya?  (Micro$oft Weird™ is now telling Us that neither “aubergine” nor “Ovaltine™” is a word.  Right after We finish up this Erix Daily Horoscope, We’re gonna kick Micro$oft Weird™’ s @ss at Scrabble™.))

Here is your horoscope for Monday, November 22, 2010 (Happy Kennedy Assassination Day to all you assassins out there. (Didja notice there were four asses in that sentence?  (Four asses are, of course, what you see if you look at Mount Rushmore from the back. (Vacation time shares in Our mind are still available for this holiday season.  The skiing is supposed to be great this year.))));

(But enough about politics, and politicians’ assasses.  ‘Tis the season to run around like a chicken who won’t give head. (Not only is Micro$oft Weird™ pooh-poohing “assasses”  (heh…see what We did there?), it is also looking askance at “’Tis”. And, as We all know, One can’t have a holiday season without “’Tis”.  If We can’t say “’Tis the season”, then ‘twon’t be. (A note to the “taking Christ out of Christmas” wingnuts:  we say “holiday season” because it is a season of holidays, only ONE of which is Christmas.  It starts with Thanksgiving, and includes Black Friday, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Christmas, Boxing Day, New Year’s Eve, New Year’s Day, the Feast of Epiphany and Sucretia, and Mary Todd Lincoln’s birthday (seriously…look it up).  You will note that only ONE of those holidays is Christmas, and most of them haven’t got a blessed (heh) thing to do with Christmas.  (Although We did once hear a story about Mary Todd Lincoln getting laid in a manger, but that’s neither here nor Nair™.)  So if We wish you “happy holidays”, We are wishing for you to be happy from November 25^th through about the middle of January.  Whereas if We only wish you “merry Christmas”, We are wishing for you to be merry (whatever the h3ll that is) for twenty-four hours in December.   Pretty d@mn stingy, especially when wishing doesn’t cost anything.)))

(Whew!  The way We’re going on in here this morning, you would think We DIDN’T have a list of things to do that’s as long as John Dillinger’s d1ck.  (Quite a bit of history going on in here today, no?  Of course, those who don’t remember history are doomed to teepee tits.  (In addition to being a play on words, that’s a viZZZual joke.  So we’ll pause here for a mo-mo while you viZZZualize.  Go!)))

(Stop!)

(Micro$oft Weird™ accepted “mo-mo” without batting an eye. (To be fair, it may have been distracted by the viZZZualization of teepee tits.)  Turns out, a mo-mo is a Tibetan dumpling.  Which isn’t what We intended at all, but which sound yummy nonetheless. (“Nonetheless” is, of course, a word One uses to express the fact that One would always be happier if there were (subjunctively) one less nun.))

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

If you’ve been thinking about getting a new phone (What?  And give up Our rotary cell phone that still takes nickels and whose number is BUtterfield-8? (Yes, that IS a leftover joke.  But We’ve been keeping it in a green bag in the crisper, so it hasn’t started to stink yet.))

 or diving into some new pool of techno-geekery, (Yes, indeedy-doo, a pool of techno-geekery.  We are not particularly well-versed in the cultural phenomenon that is Harry Potter, but We are pretty sure “pool of techno-geekery” was coined for the fifth book in the series, Harry Potter and the Vibrating Anal Beads.)

(Daniel Radcliffe just shivered and got all damp in his panties. (What?  You didn’t know that Daniel Radcliffe was an Erix Daily Horoscope reader?  Honey, We are HUGE in Great Britain.  They’re still chortling over “teepee tits”.))

today is the perfect day to go for it. (Oh, please.  We have so many places to go today, We don’t know whether We’re Alan Cumming or Joanna Going. Seriously.  But We suspect We’d better decide before We get dressed.)

You’re totally in touch with your inner cyborg!  (Dunno ‘bout DAT, but, if you’ve seen Our @ss lately, you know We’re in touch with Our inner smorgasbord.)

Unpredictability is the name of the game now. (Well, it’s a good thing you told Us, ‘cause now We’ll be ready for it.  Oh, and, by the way, after We finish all of Our errands, We’re planning to be spontaneous.  From about 6:30 till 7:45.)

Fortunately, that’s a condition you adore. (Well, We have a kabillion errands to run, and it’s NOT pouring down rain.  We’ll take what We can get, but We’re not sure We’d go all the way to “adore”.)

Does this mean you’ll be inspired to be even more impulsive, eager and enthusiastic than usual? (Don’t hold your breast.)

It certainly does — and that could make it tough for you to concentrate, (Sorry…what?)

and even tougher for you to sit still long enough to finish up any of the projects you’ve got going.  (Fortunately, all of today’s projects are pretty much one-step.  Granted, with a lot of steps in between them, but still.)

Once it’s set down on paper, (We have a To-Do List, on which one of the Things To Do is “look at other list”.  Our world, and welcome to it.)

you should have no trouble moving forward.  (Taxi!!!)

(Anybody else look over at the index and realize that this is not the first Erix Daily Horoscope to mention Mary Todd Lincoln?  Just Us?  Alrighty then…)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )