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Monday, June 2, 2014

June Cleaver is busting out all over

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManicottiMonday, June 2th , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Karly, who does NOT turn twenty-four today, somewhere in Greater Bostonia.  We allegedly made not one, but two, student fillums with her a while back.  We say “allegedly”, because We have never seen said fillums, so their existence is unclear to Us.  Much like the age-old question, if Helen Keller falls down in a forest, is there sound?  Of course, the non-existence of said fillums would not necessarily be a terrible thing, We having a face for radio as We do.

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Andre, and Jonathan, and Cut-Films, each of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend.  We have not made any fillums with Cut-Films, despite their having “Fillums” in their name.  And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Belated Birthday to Rob, also in Greater Bostonia.  Our Comeback Tour shall come there eventually, We promise.

So We had guests for Our murder mystery this weekend.  Which made it seem much less like work.  We are hearing from independent sources that Our guests are saying that a good time was had by all, so We guess We didn’t suck.  Ask Us about discount tickets to come see Us; in June, Our Fridays are the 13th (dun-dun-DUN) and the 27th.

In other news, We bought a new bathroom wastebasket.

You WISH you were (subjunctively) Us, but you couldn’t handle the glamour.
Speaking of birthdays, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Libby Holman.

(We are just going to keep right on saying that until that show closes, thereby demonstrating the utter futility of Creative ViZZZualization.  (Although apparently We have viZZZualized well enough that one poor deluded Gentle Reader actually imagines that We already HAVE said tickets.))

(How many of you are now picturing Libby Holman as Yitzhak?  (How many of you would know where to begin if you had to picture Libby Holman to save your life? (How many of you are now saying, “That stupid bitch Starzina can keep doing this gag all the way till August, ain’t NOBODY buying her no damn Hedwig tickets”?)))

In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Gemini, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: ))).

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Gemini video, which is the first Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, Jerry Mathers (of “and Jerry Mathers as The Beaver” fame) was born today. As was Martha Washington. And, presumably, her beaver.  Which, interestingly enough, had wooden teeth.  Sort of like Lincoln Logs™.  Except that was a whole ‘nother president. And if you think that We will stoop so low as to tell Mary Todd Lincoln’s vagina jokes, you’ve got a whole ‘nother think coming.

Vagina dentata, hakuna metata.  You say “po-TAY-to”, and We say “po-TAH-to”…find the keys and We’ll drive out.


Since there is clearly no way to top the preceding, herewith in lieu of call-and-response with Kelli The AssHatt is A Reading From Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

Welcome back and thank you for consulting Madame Olivia.

Here's a thought that is going to sound Biblical or Shakespearean, so wise is it and so well said: It is good to love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is well done! Guess who said it. Give up? Vincent van Gogh! He said it (in a letter to his brother, of course) in the context of staying connected to multiple people, which Madame Olivia preaches day and night. Hope this is timely for you.

And now, little Aries, good news from the stars above. The oft-noted movement of Neptune into Pisces augurs extremely well for you, especially as you find yourself in situations where you feel constrained. You might feel like busting loose but Madame Olivia counsels something simpler for you: be still and let yourself be open to a different way of doing things. This conscious openness will invite wonderful new thinking.

Virtue of the hour: patience

Our time together today is drawing to a close. Madame Olivia bids you au revoir and good luck until we meet again.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.