Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMandrakeTheMagicianMonday, June 23st
, 2014.
Happy Birthday to Cammy, who turns
twenty-four today all the way out in El Lay.
Happy Belated Birthday to Chris, Darnelle,
Dusty, Edgardo, Mark, Peter, and, last but not Lee Strasberg, to
OurAmericanCousin Sherry, each of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend in
such far-flung, exotic places as Greater Bostonia, Jew Nersey, O Hai, Ohio,
Illinois, and Amish Country, in addition to right here in The City Of Brotherly
Love Handles.
Speaking of the weekend, here is the tweet
from Twatter that won the InterNetz on Saturday:
“I have to
explain what to do during a school shooting to my 7yr old, but by all means let’s
freak out about gay marriage.”
Also, as you may surmise, if you
have ever met Us, met anyone who has met Us, heard of Us, heard of anyone who
has heard of Us, or met anyone who has heard of someone who may have met someone
else who heard of someone who has heard of Us, We have no fucking clue what “Magic:
The Gathering” is. Here, however, is a
brilliant photo essay in which a man goes to a “Magic: The Gathering” gathering
and has his picture taken next to all of the buttcracks: http://www.buzzfeed.com/mrloganrhoades/man-goes-to-magic-the-gathering-tournament-poses-next-to-but
(Micro$oft Weird™, meanwhile,
would like to pretend that “buttcracks” isn’t a word. Back up to a full-length mirror and look over
your shoulder, Micro$oft Weird™. THERE ya go!)
Faithful Gentle Readers (i.e.
non-naked skimmers) will recall Friday’s cliffhanger, in which air conditioning
repairpersons arrived at OurHouseWhereWeLive.
(To relive those crackling dramatic moments, go here: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/06/freeze-it-buzz-it-easy-does-it.html We’ll wait.
Back? (Buttcrack?) Good. As with most après les cliffhanger
e-pissodes, this one is somewhat of an Auntie Climb Axe. (You ARE reading this aloud to yourself, aren’t
you?) We apparently had both a broken
frabnasticator in the central air unit itself, as well as a broken thermostat. What We did NOT have, after all was said and
done, was five hundred dollars. We DID,
however, have Our complete misperceptions of how exactly Our programmable
thermostats control Our air conditioning and heating corrected, so We may in
fact recoup said five hundred dollars in the form of lower electric bills. Assuming, of course, that We live to be a hundred
and eighty-seven years old.
On the plus side of the
moneygrubbing column, We have salvaged a job for a day later this week which We
thought was going to fall through due to Our not having a proper
credential. So, yay, Us.
In other news, We find Ourselves
(not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Cancer,
Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it
with your friends: http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M
))).
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone
in a tree, here is Our previous Cancer video, which is the second
Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video
We ever made. Just look how far We’ve
come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):
And here’s the HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthday news, it is Frawnch
soccer player Zinedine Zidane’s birthday today.
His full name is Zinedine Yazid Zidane.
His nickname is Zizou. The
Frawnch are ridiculous.
More importantly, and yet, still on the
subject of the Frawnch, this past Saturday may or may not have been the
birthday of Jean Paul Sartre.
(Heh.
See what We did there? We kill Us…)
A financial transaction makes you question a
rather important component of your life — but it’s less of a problem than an
opportunity. (Is it just Us, or is Kelli
talking about prostitution?)
Roll with it and see where it leads, but
don’t break the bank. (Can We rob the
bank?)
If you get the chance for a one-on-one
meeting with your boss or if you’re asked to give an impromptu presentation,
jump on it. (Can We say, “You’re not the
boss of Us”?)
(Is it just Us, or is this ten of the most
boring horoscopes of all time?)
You can further your personal agenda with the
greatest of ease at the moment, and you’ll look great doing it. (You should see
Us on a flying trapeze.)
Your powers of communication are on fire, and
you’re able to be simultaneously forceful and charming — a winning combination,
indeed. (Or at least much better than chorceful and farming.)
It’s a very good time to go after what you
want. (Isn’t it always? Because, if you go before what you want, by
the time what you want shows up, you’re already gone.)
When you’re all fired up, it’s hard to tell
whether there’s a real mutual spark. (That analogy actually almost worked! Blind pig found a damn acorn! Go figger!)
Toning it down allows you to assess a
romantic situation more accurately. (And
what could be more romantic than assessing a romantic situation more accurately?)
Chill out and see what happens. (To whom?)
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal
blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the
Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets
and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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