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Monday, June 23, 2014

You don’t own me






Hello, Ducks!




Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMandrakeTheMagicianMonday, June 23st , 2014.



Happy Birthday to Cammy, who turns twenty-four today all the way out in El Lay.



Happy Belated Birthday to Chris, Darnelle, Dusty, Edgardo, Mark, Peter, and, last but not Lee Strasberg, to OurAmericanCousin Sherry, each of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend in such far-flung, exotic places as Greater Bostonia, Jew Nersey, O Hai, Ohio, Illinois, and Amish Country, in addition to right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.




Speaking of the weekend, here is the tweet from Twatter that won the InterNetz on Saturday:

I have to explain what to do during a school shooting to my 7yr old, but by all means let’s freak out about gay marriage.




Also, as you may surmise, if you have ever met Us, met anyone who has met Us, heard of Us, heard of anyone who has heard of Us, or met anyone who has heard of someone who may have met someone else who heard of someone who has heard of Us, We have no fucking clue what “Magic: The Gathering” is.  Here, however, is a brilliant photo essay in which a man goes to a “Magic: The Gathering” gathering and has his picture taken next to all of the buttcracks:  http://www.buzzfeed.com/mrloganrhoades/man-goes-to-magic-the-gathering-tournament-poses-next-to-but






(Micro$oft Weird™, meanwhile, would like to pretend that “buttcracks” isn’t a word.  Back up to a full-length mirror and look over your shoulder, Micro$oft Weird™. THERE ya go!)




 

Faithful Gentle Readers (i.e. non-naked skimmers) will recall Friday’s cliffhanger, in which air conditioning repairpersons arrived at OurHouseWhereWeLive.  (To relive those crackling dramatic moments, go here:  http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/06/freeze-it-buzz-it-easy-does-it.html   We’ll wait.




 

Back?  (Buttcrack?) Good. As with most après les cliffhanger e-pissodes, this one is somewhat of an Auntie Climb Axe.  (You ARE reading this aloud to yourself, aren’t you?)  We apparently had both a broken frabnasticator in the central air unit itself, as well as a broken thermostat.  What We did NOT have, after all was said and done, was five hundred dollars.  We DID, however, have Our complete misperceptions of how exactly Our programmable thermostats control Our air conditioning and heating corrected, so We may in fact recoup said five hundred dollars in the form of lower electric bills.  Assuming, of course, that We live to be a hundred and eighty-seven years old.






 

On the plus side of the moneygrubbing column, We have salvaged a job for a day later this week which We thought was going to fall through due to Our not having a proper credential.  So, yay, Us.




 

In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Cancer, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M  ))).




 


Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Cancer video, which is the second  Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):





And here’s the HorrorScope:



In celebrity birthday news, it is Frawnch soccer player Zinedine Zidane’s birthday today.  His full name is Zinedine Yazid Zidane.  His nickname is Zizou.  The Frawnch are ridiculous.



More importantly, and yet, still on the subject of the Frawnch, this past Saturday may or may not have been the birthday of Jean Paul Sartre.
(Heh.  See what We did there?  We kill Us…)




A financial transaction makes you question a rather important component of your life — but it’s less of a problem than an opportunity.  (Is it just Us, or is Kelli talking about prostitution?)




Roll with it and see where it leads, but don’t break the bank.  (Can We rob the bank?)




If you get the chance for a one-on-one meeting with your boss or if you’re asked to give an impromptu presentation, jump on it.  (Can We say, “You’re not the boss of Us”?)




(Is it just Us, or is this ten of the most boring horoscopes of all time?)




You can further your personal agenda with the greatest of ease at the moment, and you’ll look great doing it. (You should see Us on a flying trapeze.)




Your powers of communication are on fire, and you’re able to be simultaneously forceful and charming — a winning combination, indeed. (Or at least much better than chorceful and farming.)




It’s a very good time to go after what you want.  (Isn’t it always?  Because, if you go before what you want, by the time what you want shows up, you’re already gone.)




When you’re all fired up, it’s hard to tell whether there’s a real mutual spark.  (That analogy actually almost worked!  Blind pig found a damn acorn! Go figger!)




Toning it down allows you to assess a romantic situation more accurately.  (And what could be more romantic than assessing a romantic situation more accurately?)




Chill out and see what happens. (To whom?)    



Namaste, MotherFuckers.






In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.