Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Hump Day, June 18st , 2014.
Happy Birthday to Jackie, who turns twenty-four today all the way out in Texas. Where all of Our exes live. (That isn’t true. (At least to the best of Our knowledge…We don’t actually pay much attention to the whereabouts of Our exes.) But We think that is a funny song. (It does, of course, beg the question as to whether country-western singers in Texas actually sing “All My Exes Live In Texas”, and if it takes on a whole different meaning.))
Happy Birthday also to Joseph, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. (Which is where We would imagine most of Our exes actually live. (Or at least are buried. (Don’t look in the basement.)))
(We just lifted that entire segment bodily from a recent e-pissode and just changed the names (to protect the indigent). We wonder if anyone noticed.)
In other news, because We are, of course, Us, and because Our life is a constant bowl of cherries in a bed of roses (or a bed of roses in a bowl of cherries…one of those (Faithful Gentle Readers will notice the unspoken presence of both thorns and pits in this analogy, whatever order it is presented in)), as We enter what is about to be the hottest day of the year to date, Our air conditioning has decided to shit the bed.
We cannot possibly afford to replace said system, but We could presumably afford to have it repaired. Assuming, that is (thereby shoving Uma Thurman up Hume Cronyn’s ass, or whatever that saying is) that one of Our Gentle Readers could suggest an appropriately qualified repairman in a toolbelt and Daisy Dukes to come to Our aid.
Having said that here, We have cracked Our Own Self up…We know exactly how much attention is paid to these e-pisstles. Farts in the wind, they are. We are going to wrap this up and go solicit aid on SitOnMyFaceBook.
In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Gemini, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js ))).
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Gemini video, which is the first Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made. Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):
And here’s the HorrorScope, presented without commentary, as We have a hunky repairman to hunt down:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.