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Friday, June 13, 2014

All the boyz think she’s a spaz… she’s got… Kevin Bacon’s assz…

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday, June 13st  , 2014.

Yes, keedz, it’s Friday The Thirteenst…SCAAAAAARRRRYYYYY!  And you know what that means, around These Parts, anyway:  it’s Kevin Bacon’s Ass Day!

Fortunately, We have archives to spare Us from waxing loquacious on the subject of Kevin Bacon’s ass every time a Kevin Bacon’s Ass Day rolls around.  So, for lively discourse about Kevin Bacon’s ass, and pixtures of same, please go here:  (Who knows what other historic treasures you might find there?  (To say nothing of historic treasure trails.  (No, really…say NOTHING!))

Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Stan, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

Also, Happy Birthday to David, who turns twenty-four today in Chicago, and to David, who turns twenty-four today (fo’ REALZ!) in Greater Bostonia.

And last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to OurAmericanCousin, Diane, who turns twenty-four today in Sunny Florida. (Which is geographically distinct from Funny Slorida. (Which was what they were originally going to call Maude’s maid on Maude, till they realized it wasn’t the least bit funny.))

And Happy Belated Birthday to Kathleen, who turned twenty-four yesterday, but managed to escape Our radar until We had already e-pisstled.

Speaking of radar, you have heard, of course, of “gaydar”, which is the ability to detect gay people.  Well, the other day, We heard a related new term:  “craydar”: the ability to detect crazy people.

  Use it three times in a sentence and it’s yours.

And now, in lieu of a lengthy screed on the devolution of etiquette on the WorldWideInterWebNetz, lettuce just say to some people who SHOULD know who they are: Um, you’re WELCOME.

In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Gemini, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: ))).


Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Gemini video, which is the first Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

Celebrity-birthday-wise, the Olsen twins were, of course, born today.  If you had (subjunctively) seen LOOKING FOR URANUS (Our comeback tour), you would at least know that they were Geminis.

More obscurely, and thus, more importantly, at least to (what passes for) Our mind, Our celebrity birthday website wants Us to know that it is Rose Cleveland’s birthday as well.  It labels her (erroneously, as it happens) as a “Political Wife”.  Because We are An Inquiring Mind Who Wants To Know (no, really…who wants to know?), however, We Googled her on Wikipedia…it turns out, she was actually Grover Cleveland’s younger sister, who served as his First Lady until he got married.  (Apparently, even back then, women shied away from marrying 300-pound men named “Grover”…who knew?)

Rose later moved to Italy with her life-long lesbian lover.

What the hell anybody did for information before Wikipedia, We haven’t got any idea.

You are thinking big today (Was that a fat joke?)

— and others may not fully understand you. (Oh, please.  If the fuckers can’t even understand that, when somebody tries to do you a favor, you’re supposed to say “thank you”, how will they ever understand something as complexicated as We?)

That’s not your problem, (Also, “not Our circus, not Our monkeys”.)

so don’t worry too much about how long it may take for them to catch up with your ideas.  (They have no idea what Our ideas are. Ideally.)

Instead of pretending they don’t exist, you should foster your opportunistic tendencies without any guilt today. (We will already be whoring for tips this evening…how much more opportunistic would you like Us to be? (Or not to be.  (That is the question.)))

If you are smart enough to see an opportunity when it comes your way, why shouldn’t you jump right on it? (Because We might break its neck?)

Wise people make the most of the circumstances they are in. (Of course, they also give frankincense and myrrh as birthday gifts, so what the fuck do they know?)

If you’re hearing negative input about the way you choose to move forward in life, these comments are probably caused by jealousy.  (Or by the fact that some idiot thought it was acceptable for other people to talk.)

Ignore them and carry on your wise way.  (Sorry…what did you say?)

(Heh…see what We did there?)

 Romantic matters are multi-layered for now, and just like peeling an onion, you might find yourself tearing up a bit. (If that sentence were (subjunctively) any less literate, it would be in Pig Latvian.)

Reach out to a friend and remember that the peeling is necessary for making something delicious! (Insert “peeing” joke here.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.