Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday, June 13st , 2014.
Yes, keedz, it’s Friday The Thirteenst…SCAAAAAARRRRYYYYY! And you know what that means, around These
Parts, anyway: it’s Kevin Bacon’s Ass
Day!
Fortunately, We have archives to spare Us
from waxing loquacious on the subject of Kevin Bacon’s ass every time a Kevin
Bacon’s Ass Day rolls around. So, for
lively discourse about Kevin Bacon’s ass, and pixtures of same, please go here:
http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2012/04/all-boys-think-shes-spy.html (Who knows what other historic treasures you
might find there? (To say nothing of
historic treasure trails. (No, really…say
NOTHING!))
Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Stan, who turns
twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
Also, Happy Birthday to David, who turns
twenty-four today in Chicago, and to David, who turns twenty-four today (fo’
REALZ!) in Greater Bostonia.
And last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy
Birthday to OurAmericanCousin, Diane, who turns twenty-four today in Sunny
Florida. (Which is geographically distinct from Funny Slorida. (Which was what
they were originally going to call Maude’s maid on Maude, till they realized it wasn’t the least bit funny.))
And Happy Belated Birthday to Kathleen, who
turned twenty-four yesterday, but managed to escape Our radar until We had
already e-pisstled.
Speaking of radar, you have heard, of course,
of “gaydar”, which is the ability to detect gay people. Well, the other day, We heard a related new
term: “craydar”: the ability to detect
crazy people.
Use it three times in a
sentence and it’s yours.
And now, in lieu of a lengthy screed on the
devolution of etiquette on the WorldWideInterWebNetz, lettuce just say to some
people who SHOULD know who they are: Um, you’re WELCOME.
In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We
were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Gemini, Our
video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with
your friends: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js
))).
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone
in a tree, here is Our previous Gemini video, which is the first
Starzina’s
Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made. Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that
get in your eye?):
And here’s the HorrorScope:
Celebrity-birthday-wise, the Olsen twins
were, of course, born today. If you had (subjunctively)
seen LOOKING
FOR URANUS (Our comeback tour), you would at least know that they were
Geminis.
More obscurely, and thus, more importantly,
at least to (what passes for) Our mind, Our celebrity birthday website wants Us
to know that it is Rose Cleveland’s birthday as well. It labels her (erroneously, as it happens) as
a “Political Wife”. Because We are An
Inquiring Mind Who Wants To Know (no, really…who wants to know?), however, We
Googled her on Wikipedia…it turns out, she was actually Grover Cleveland’s
younger sister, who served as his First Lady until he got married. (Apparently, even back then, women shied away
from marrying 300-pound men named “Grover”…who knew?)
Rose later moved to Italy with her life-long
lesbian lover.
What the hell anybody did for information
before Wikipedia, We haven’t got any idea.
You are thinking big today (Was that a fat
joke?)
— and others may not fully understand you. (Oh,
please. If the fuckers can’t even
understand that, when somebody tries to do you a favor, you’re supposed to say “thank
you”, how will they ever understand something as complexicated as We?)
That’s not your problem, (Also, “not Our circus,
not Our monkeys”.)
so don’t worry too much about how long it may
take for them to catch up with your ideas.
(They have no idea what Our ideas are. Ideally.)
Instead of pretending they don’t exist, you
should foster your opportunistic tendencies without any guilt today. (We will
already be whoring for tips this evening…how much more opportunistic would you
like Us to be? (Or not to be. (That is
the question.)))
If you are smart enough to see an opportunity
when it comes your way, why shouldn’t you jump right on it? (Because We might
break its neck?)
Wise people make the most of the
circumstances they are in. (Of course, they also give frankincense and myrrh as
birthday gifts, so what the fuck do they know?)
If you’re hearing negative input about the
way you choose to move forward in life, these comments are probably caused by
jealousy. (Or by the fact that some
idiot thought it was acceptable for other people to talk.)
Ignore them and carry on your wise way. (Sorry…what did you say?)
(Heh…see what We did there?)
Romantic matters are multi-layered for now,
and just like peeling an onion, you might find yourself tearing up a bit. (If
that sentence were (subjunctively) any less literate, it would be in Pig
Latvian.)
Reach out to a friend and remember that the
peeling is necessary for making something delicious! (Insert “peeing” joke
here.)
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate
entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries),
which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and
won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate
in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is
absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood,
despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian
Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and
armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters
in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys
Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of
the Penn rowing team.
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