Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, June 3th , 2014.
Happy Birthday to Ed, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
So We had a lovely surprise last night (and when do We ever say THAT?) when a bunch of former students from OurMizGerre’s sketch comedy class showed up to last night’s class and hung out for drinks afterwards. (It is unclear to Us whether We have mentioned within these e-pisstles before that, if you were (subjunctively) a Drexel student, you could take an elective class in sketch comedy. Which is taught by OurMizGerre. With Us as her assistant. And Jerry Mathers as The Beaver. You could bring Us apples, and stay after class to clap Our erasers.)
In other news, on a WorldWideInterWebNetzian forum that We frequent, OurPatrickWhoArtInGreaterBostonia mentioned that he tied his boyfriend’s tie prior to seeing him off on a job interview. Which led to the following sentence (and We quote): “I'm surrounded by adult men who never learned that the bunny goes around the tree twice and then down the burrow.”
Now, is it just Us, or does that sound like the perfect opening sentence for a piece of child pornography? If, that is, by “child pornography”, One means NOT “pornography with children in it” (which is, of course, a deplorable concept), but rather, “pornography FOR children”. Which would probably be animated. And contain pastel-colored fluffy forest animals, including (but not limited to) bunnies. And many commonplace everyday objects inexplicably made out of candy.
(It occurs to Us at this juncture that, if people who are looking for child pornography find it by Googling the phrase “child pornography” on Wikipedia, they could wind up here today.
Won’t they be disappointed?
Speaking of birthdays, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Larry Hagman.
(We are just going to keep right on saying that until that show closes, thereby demonstrating the utter futility of Creative ViZZZualization. (Although apparently We have viZZZualized well enough that one poor deluded Gentle Reader actually imagines that We already HAVE said tickets.))
(How many of you are now picturing Larry Hagman as Yitzhak? (How many of you are now saying, “That stupid bitch Starzina can keep doing this gag all the way till August, ain’t NOBODY buying her no damn Hedwig tickets”?)))
In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Gemini, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js ))).
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Gemini video, which is the first Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made. Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):
And here’s the HorrorScope. From The Onion. Because We? Gots shit to do.:
Love has been compared to many, many things, but thanks to your unique outsider's perspective, you'll be the first to spot its uncanny resemblance to the international bauxite market.
Although it's true that violence never solves anything, it turns out it's just fine for a quick temporary fix in many situations.
The say that it's not how well the bear dances that's impressive, but that the bear can dance at all, which is kind of insulting considering the number of hours you spent teaching it.
You'll come to in a New Orleans brothel between a dead politician's daughter and a duffel bag full of cash, but unfortunately it's all easily explained and is cleared up within minutes.
Okay, the stars realize that last week's prediction of increasingly lower temperatures may not have been that impressive, but this week's incubus invasion should make up for it.
The old saying that there are no second acts in life may or may not be true for everyone, but you're going to be more concerned with how they just skipped ahead to the ending.
You'll singlehandedly embody the dreams of an entire nation when you get a very large food item for free after eating said item in less than an hour.
You'll soon provide proof that a small, dedicated group of people can change the world by accidentally driving a rented moving truck into a petroleum storage facility.
Your week will be so varied, interesting, and surprising that eventually the coroner will just give up, shrug, and write "heart failure" in the spot marked "Cause of Death."
This will be a good week to renew the bonds of friendship, especially the ones on the nurse you keep chained to the basement water heater.
While it's true that only God can judge you, it also won't take Him more than a couple seconds.
Your biggest mistake wasn't assuming there was some kind of secret to life. It was assuming that it was the kind of secret that would make your life better.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.