I love the java jive and it loves me

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  ThurstonHowellTheThursday, July 25^st , 2013.   Only five more shopping months till Christmas, people.  You’re welcome.

So here’s this, from the WayBack Machine:

Happy Birthday to Joseph, who turns twenty-four today, and also to Eric (no, not THAT Eric), who also turns twenty-four today, and additionally too to Michael, who additionally too turns twenty-four today.  And they all do it right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles, thus sparing Us any geographological complexications, for which We are externally grateful.

(That is not, in case you were wondering, a typo. “Externally grateful” is when you’re only PRETENDING to be eternally grateful.  On the outside.)

We, meanwhile, are currently not even externally grateful.  Because We forgot to buy coffee on yesterday’s Ack-A-Me foray, We are drinking some hideous flavored coffee We’ve had in the freezer since We bought it on sale.  It is called “Pumpkin Spice”, and it tastes for all the world like a piece of raw ginger that’s been sitting in a jack-o-lantern on the front porch of an abandoned house since 1987, after seven generations of feral cats have used said jack-o-lantern as a litter box.

(That, Gentle Readers, is called “painting a werd pixture”.)

Now, We DO have some whole coffee beans, also in Our freezer.  But We are generally only capable of finding the coffee grinder and grinding said beans AFTER We have already had some coffee, so you can see Our conundrum.  (We KNEW this bathrobe was too short…Our conundrum is sticking out. (You’re picturing that now, aren’t you?  Perverts.))

All of which is to say that We imagine you all are at least externally grateful not to be Us at the moment.

We had an entire dream We were going to share with you as well, but this General Foods International Coffee™ moment has taken it all out of Us.  Plus, We have to go and ableautify, as We must later pay a visit to TheCutestDentistInTheWholeWideWorld.

(“Ableautify” is, of course, a neologism (OMG, she used the N word!  (Also, she said “gism”.)) meaning “to perform ablutions in order to become  more beautiful”.  Use it three times in a sentence, and it’s yours.  Or Beetlejuice will show up.  One of those.)

Now, it might seem, to the Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! casual observer (i.e., naked skimmer) that We bandy the phrase “The CutestFill-In-The-BlankInTheWholeWideWorld” about quite willy, nilly, and willy-nilly.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  We have known TheCutestBoyInTheWholeWideWorld (TCBITWWW) since before these horoscopes began, and his title has been verified by a completely independent source (hi, Patrick! (no, John, not YOUR Patrick.)).  We have had TheCutestDentistInTheWholeWideWorld for even longer than that.  And We have only recently acquired TheCutestMailmanInTheWholeWideWorld, EspeciallyInASweatyTeeShirtDuringAHeatWave. And, while We did for a brief period of time, employ TheCutestContractorInTheWholeWideWorld, We would not pretend to have, say, TheCutestPlumberInTheWholeWideWorld, or TheCutestRooferInTheWholeWideWorld, even though We have both of those things (a plumber and a roofer, that is), and are very happy with their work.

We certainly hope that cleared things up for you.

In other news, this just in, from God, on Twitter: “The requests I get to bless things or damn things exactly cancel each other out so I end up doing diddly-squat.”

Also, it will surprise no one that, in response to this week’s Royal Birth (not to mention The Royal Afterbirth), Our “He’s A Very Nice Prince” e-pissode, with its pixture of Prince William in a Speedo™, is trending again.  Here is the link, to save you the trouble of hunting it down your own self: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2012/06/hes-very-nice-prince.html

Meanwhile, does it distress you, as it distresses Us, that if you search “Prince William in a Speedo™”, you find actual pictures of Prince William in a Speedo™, but if you search “Prince Harry in a Speedo™”, you don’t find any such thing?

And here is the HorrorScope:

Happy Estelle Getty’s birthday!

You’ve got something real staring you in the face (It’s just a picture of Prince William in a Speedo™.)

 — and it may be tempting to turn away. (Yeah, okay, whatever.)

You’ve got some good energy, for sure, but if you aren’t up to this challenge, call in the reinforcements.   (Mmm-hmm.  Because these “reinforcements” are likely to show up.  Maybe they’ll go to the Ack-A-Me and buy Us coffee.)

 If people came with warning labels, yours would say something like ‘Danger. Do not test me.’  (Actually, it would say “You’ve already heard about the rotting-ginger-in-the-decayed-pumpkin-with-feral-cat-poop coffee; did We mention that We had sauerkraut for dinner last night?”)

Heaven help anyone who decides that it might be fun to see just how far you can be verbally pushed, (People have very strange ideas of fun.)

because right about now, it won’t be very far at all. (Fart.)

Of course, as fiery as you are, (Heh.  Was that another fart joke?)

this situation isn’t all that rare, so the next best thing would be to have a t-shirt made up for occasions such as this.  (A t-shirt, you say?  What, Our “Tuesday” panties aren’t good enough?)

You need a plan, so map out your schedule over the next few days and be sure to stick to it. (We have three murder mysteries over the next few days.  Yes, indeedy, ladies and gerbils, a Very Special Monday Performance.  One can only IMAGINE for whom.)

You’ll be glad you did when you’re facing many other, not-so-welcome invitations.  (Who let all those chirping crickets in here?)

 It’s easier to say no!  (Than what?)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday, July 25, 2012.  Happy Hump Day to those of you who have regularly-scheduled humps. Also, Happy Christmas In July to those of you who celebrate Christmas In July.  Buy a fucking calendar.  Freaks.

We Our Own Self Personally are still readjusting to everyday life after Our past week of visitations, pilgrimages, and shenanigantics, so if you have been waiting to hear from Us, it will no doubt be soon.  Despite The Sainted Mother having departed, We last night had a dream in which We had a long conversation with her, wherein she was attempting to convince Us that We should call people up on the telephone and read the bible to them.  Our assertion that said people thus called would simply hang up on Us did not seem to deter her.  The fact that such a conversation would never even begin to occur in real life did not stop this dream from going on at length.

In waking life, We find Ourself having random thoughts such as, “What does Prince William DO all day?” and “Is Doris Day still alive?”

A random quote from the WorldWideInterWebNetz: "Can you turn the water into WHITE wine? We’re having Chilean sea bass." -- Jesus' gay friend

And here is this, featuring The Lovely And Talented Willam Belli:

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Oh, see now.  Obviously, nobody is reading this, as you are all too busy preparing for your Estelle Getty’s Birthday celebrations.

You have to put others first today — there’s just no other way for things to work out!  (We are happy to put other people in front of Us.  Especially when someone opens fire on Our movie theater.  (What?  Too soon?))

Make sure that you’re really listening (Sorry…did you say something?)

and that you’ve got what it takes to pitch in when things get weird.  (Do WE have what it takes to pitch in when things get weird?  Does the Pope fuck altar boys in the woods?)

Your ability to see things from another person’s perspective (Didn’t We just have MC Escher in here the other day?)

is going to come in very handy today when it’s your turn to make a tough decision. (Paper or plastic?)

Think hard about what the impact on other people will be if you go with your first choice — it may be a lot more disruptive to their lives than you initially believe. (And that I of any importance to Us because…?)

If you feel as though you’re being inconsiderate, (We shall focus on Ourself until the feeling passes.)

be prepared to compromise. (We are happy to compromise, as long as We get everything Our Own way.)

This will not only make others happier (Who cares?)

but also, in the long run, make you more content, too.  (We are already about as much anti-tent as One can get.)

 Instigate something unexpected and fabulous — procrastinate.  (Maybe later.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

Well, not exactly. (Oh, please. Helen Keller saw what We did there, and texted Ray Charles about it on the waffle iron.)

It’s more about a well-timed response. (Oh, great.  Now We have to buy a detonator.)

When that email or call comes in, (Which it never does.)

don’t answer it right away. (Yeah.  That’ll work.)

Create a little tension, mystery and intrigue. (Why?  Things aren’t bad enough as they are?)

Let expectations stew a bit.  (Oh, yay.  Expectation stew…it’s what’s for dinner.  No doubt with an ennui salad, and disappointment for dessert.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Thank you for being a friend

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ToozDee, May 8, 2012.  We don’t know about you, but We are still prostrate on Our fainting couch, clutching Our smelling salts to Our pneumatic bosom, as We attempt to recover from yesterday’s Vagina Monologues e-pissode.  What the hell happened in here, anyway?  Sure, We got Our str8 boi readers all hot and bothered, but did any of ‘em show up on Our doorstep, loaded blunderbuss in hand, asking which way to the skeet shoot?

(We have no earthly idea what We’re talking about, but the answer to the preceding question is “No”.)

(“Skeet shoot”???)

(Meanwhile, how many str8 boi readers (does it take to screw (heh) in a light bulb?  No.)…how many str8 boi readers are now wondering if a pneumatic bosom works like a pneumatic drill?)

Alrighty, then.  We can apparently cross “Victorian novelist” off of Our list of potential sources of pecuniary remuneration.  And, as We are busily procrastinating, and yet, not the least bit interested in sharing what We’re procrastinating about, it’s time for a whole new feature here on The Mouseketeer Club…er, Erix Daily Horoscope:  Anything Can Happen To Celebrities Day!!!

(Speaking of The Mouseketeer Club, to ensure that Our str8 boi readers continue to love Us, albeit from afar (did We just say “albeit”?  Perhaps We should reconsider that Victorian novelist gig…), Annette Funicello’s pneumatic bosom.  You’re welcome.)

(Never you mind that Annette Funicello will be seventy this year.  That’s only thirty-five per bosom.  Perverts.)

This first bit has nothing whatever to do with celebrities, but We just saw it on the WorldWideInterWebNetz and it tickled Us, and We make the rules around here:  Clown shoes are very big, and clown cars are very small- get it together, clowns!

On a celebrity-related note, We may or may not have mentioned We have joined The Twitter.  Because We’re hep to the jive like that.  We have no idea why regular people would be on The Twitter, but it apparently gives celebrities a chance to prove that they are just as idiotic as everyone else.  Just this morning, Cher (surely it comes as no surprise to you that We follow Cher on The Twitter?)  made some sort of liberal Democrat observation .  Apparently, there was some Republitard out there who was SO stupid (how stupid was he?) that he did not realize that Cher (whom he also was following on The Twitter) was a liberal Democrat, and he felt compelled to call her out on her “stupidity”  (which he, naturally, being a Republitard, referred to as “Communism”).  Unfortunately, Cher engaged this douchebag, and the whole thing quickly degenerated, to the point where the Republitard was mocking Cher for misspelling a word, saying, and We quote, “botox has gone 2 ur brain”.  Whereupon Cher put an end to the entire discussion thusly:  “I’m dyslexic, asshole! Just think!  If I could spell, I could have been successful!”

Meanwhile, We are lifting the following anecdote verbatim, as the clock is ticking here at OurHouseWhereWeLive (and presumably at YourHouseWhereYouLive, also, but since when is it all about YOU?):

 Apparently, Rufus Wainwright has told this story for years, but this is the first time I've heard it and it's never too late to hear one of the reasons for whyBea Arthur will forever be our Patron Saint of Bitchiness. During a time in Rufus' life when he was trapped in a black cloud of loneliness, the only thing that gave him life was watching episodes of The Golden Girls. Just like every good gay, Rufus considers Rue, Estelle, Bea and Betty his four apostles. So many years later, Rufus saw Bea at a party and had to thank her for being a friend. Sometimes when you meet one of your idols, you walk away with the taste of disappointment in your mouth, but that didn't happen to Rufus. Rufus walked away with the feeling of knowing what it's like to be slapped down by a GOD! This is how Rufus' moment with Bea went:

Rufus: "I'm sorry to bother you, and I'm sure you hear this all the time, but I was going through a rough patch and Golden Girls brought me so much entertainment and comfort. It really helped me get through the bad spell.You're so wonderful. You made me feel like you're my grandmother."

Bea: *gently leans into his ear* "I'm not your fucking grandmother." *throws scarf over shoulder, arches back and exits stage left*

Getting bitched out by Bea Arthur is like Jesus himself putting his hand on your forehead to rebuke the evil spirits out of you. How Rufus survived that is beyond me. If Bea Arthur put the word "motherfucker" in my ear, I would've called the tombstone store and told them to etch "Bitch Died Happy" into my peen-shaped headstone before falling on the floor to die. You've unlocked every achievement and won the game of life when Bea Arthur curses you out.

And thus endeth Anything Can Happen To Celebrities Day!

On another subject, here is a link to Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Taurus: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KlqQw4TppqY which you can use to share it with your very own personal friends who are currently birthdaying.  Not, of course, that anyone has ever actually done this, but We live in hope.

And here, because its brilliance cannot be overstated, is Our new motto:  Uranus is Our Rosebud.

And now, the HorrorScope:

You may step on someone’s toes — not that that is your intention!  (Of course not!  We were trying to step on his balls, but he wouldn’t hold still.)

It just happens sometimes, (Usually to Us.)

and it’s hard to say who’s to blame.  (That’s why you must always select the scapegoat FIRST.)

Just apologize and get on with life.  (Firstly, shouldn’t that be “RuPaulogize”™ Willam Belli”?  And Seconal™, being Us means you never have to say you’re sorry. Mainly because you ain’t.)

(Clearly, all pretensions of Victorian novelisthod have been defenestrated.)

Try not to confuse your opinions with truth. (Also, don’t cloud the issue with facts.)

Not everyone agrees with your ideas right now, (Stupidassmuthafuckahs.)

(What, you were expecting a witty riposte?  Shirley you digest.)

and if you assume that they do, you could run the risk of really ticking a few people off. (Which is probably for the best, as who likes people with ticks on them?)

So be sure to double check with everyone before moving forward on any group activities. (Confucius say, is difficult to have orgy by oneself.)

(Confucius probably didn’t actually ever say that.  But he might have, because who the hell understands Chinese?)

Hasty action on your part will probably leave some brittle egos feeling left out — and cause a few sabotage plans to be hatched.  (Oh, good lord…next thing ya know, the CIA’ll be putting an IUD in Our DVR.)

(What?  We’re just so proud that We stopped Ourself from saying “VCR”.)

A little extra consideration will help you stay popular.  (Sod off, AssHat.)

(Howzzat?)

You’d rather take action than mince words. (Today on Frenching The Chef, julienned paragraphs.)

(Should We or any of Our EDH Force be caught or killed, The Secretary will disavow any knowledge of Our actions.)

Today you may have a chance to do something important instead of merely talking about it. (That is ever so doubtful.)

Follow your gut instincts (EEEuuuwww!!!)

and move forward without looking back. (Or move backward without looking for…?)

Show them you mean business.  (See, as We’ve always said, it’s “show business” not “show art”.  Because how little sense would that sentence make if that sentence could make sense?  Or, if it read, “Business them you mean show”.)

(We’re outtie.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.