All the boys think she’s a spy

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, October 30^rd, 2013.

It has come to what passes for Our attention that We have not a single SitOnOurFaceBook friend with a birthday listed for yesterday, today, or tomorrow.  What this means, obviously, is that, having planned their Halloween costumes around their pregnancies, pregnant women clench all the way through till November 1^th.

Insert “Mischief Night” and “bobbing for apples” jokes here.

As We have no birthdays to celebrate, We shall get directly to Our main point, which is a SitOnOurFaceBook status/conversation from last night, presented in its entirety and without editorial comment.  The names have been changed to protect the indigent:

Denise Huxtable (2 hours ago near New York, NY ):

“Watching Halloween with Jamie Lee Curtis and The Boyfriend.”

One Of Our Daughter’s (Many) Ex-Husbands:  “Yours or hers?”

Starzina:  “Wait...Jamie Lee Curtis is at your house?!? How cool is that! (Whatever she says, don't eat any yogurt.)”

Denise Huxtable: “Ambiguous prepositional phrases!”

Starzina: “Not even an Oxford comma would have helped you there!”

Some Rando:  “It's not even clear whether you're watching "Halloween" or watching the holiday approaching.”

Some Rando:  “This post is a hermaphrodital mess!”

Denise Huxtable: “With The Boyfriend, I'm watching Halloween, which stars Jamie Lee Curtis. Happy Halloween, assholes!”

Some Rando:  #"Halloween"

Starzina: “Meanwhile, The Boyfriend stars Twiggy...but there's no way you could mix her up with Jamie Lee Curtis...barring some unfortunate gastrointestinal/yogurt debacle incident...Sigh. I'm so confused. Plus, your life is so much more interesting than mine.”

Denise Huxtable: “Participles and prepositions are totes interesting. To really make everyone jell-jells, though, we DVR'd dis shit LAST Monday night. Hells to da mm-hmm.”

Starzina: “I just came in my Tuesday panties (which are actually Depends™ (which I've been wearing since LAST Tuesday))...I've never DVRed ANYTHING...is that like BetaMaxing stuff onto your eight-track?”

Denise Huxtable: “Ask Kim Carnes. She'll tell ya.”

Starzina: “I heard she's got Bette Davis's eyes.”

Starzina: “Of course, I heard that on the gramophone.”

Denise Huxtable: “You're precocious.”

Starzina: “Oh you kid.”

Starzina: “(I wasn't quite sure how to punctuate that.)”

Denise Huxtable: “If this exchange does not inspire the horoscope tomorrow, I am totes skimming from now on!”

Starzina: “Also, TWENTY-THREE SKIDOO!!!”

Denise Huxtable: “When in doubt, try an Oxford comma, a llama, or a double entendre.”

Starzina: “I am picturing you naked AS WE SPEAK.”

Denise Huxtable: “But we iz typing, not speaking.”

Starzina: “Iz a figger of speech. Much like a Dalai Lama double entendre...which only happens in the very BEST circuses.”

Some Other Rando: “By "The Boyfriend", you mean Denise Huxtable’s Other Half, Denephew Huxtable? You know how much I love CAPITALIZATION, but that doesn't really serve any purpose.”

Denise Huxtable: “Ah, but I think it does serve a purpose….”

And there you have it, ladies and genitals, just a little glimpse into what happens here at Casa de CuckooForCocoaPuffs™ when We’re NOT e-pisstlizing for your edification and reading pleasure.

You’re welcome.

So now in addition to  waiting vainly by Our rotary phone for so much as one sext following Picturing Allen And Kevin Naked Week, and Picturing Peter’s Peter Week, and What’s In OurThreeSons’ Jeggings? Week With A Side Of Sext From Lex, We are additionally waiting vainly by Our phone for same from Denise Huxtable (and Denise Huxtable’s Other Half, Denephew Huxtable (not to mention One Of Our Daughter’s (Many) Ex-Husbands)).  Sigh.

Changing gears, The Little Show That Could, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , will be returning for one night only on Sunday, November 10 at 7:30 at L’Etage.  Get your tickets here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/499391  . Dammit.

And here is the HorrorScope:

Happy celebrity birthday to Sue Carol, star of Girls Gone Wild.  (The fillum from 1929, that is.  (What, that’s NOT what Our str8 boi readers were thinking of?))

The details may get frustrating today, as you find people focusing too much on the small stuff and ignoring the big picture. (Sorry…did you say something?)

Still, you’ve got to follow their lead, even if it means you’re neck-deep in spreadsheets.  (That’s how We got pregnant in the first place…We were swimming in spreadsheets where some boys were.)

Good news is coming in regard to a health issue today, and it will help clear your mind of a lot of stress and worry that has been crowding your life for the past several days.  (So even though Our water broke on Monday, We can hold this sucker in till Friday, and NOT ruin Our Halloween costume?  Alrighty, then.)

But this doesn’t mean you should slow down on the healthy track (Or the healthy crack.)

you’ve been going down. (Heh.  AssHatt said “going down”.)

Keep eating healthy,  (Who’s ”healthy”?)

keep thinking healthy, and definitely keep exercising!  (Yeah, We’ll get right on that.)

Keep up the good work — you will thank yourself for it later.  (Oh, sure…on top of all the OTHER crap We have to do four Ourself, now We gotta thank Ourself, too.)

It’s not exactly brain surgery, you know. (What the hell does brain surgery have to do with delivering Our baby?)

When you feel good physically, you’re twice as hot. (As what?)

For now, your energy gives you extra talent to any efforts to get yourself fit and healthy. (We have re-read that sentence three times.  It makes no goddamn sense. Shut. Up. Kelli.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

You've got that one thing

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThirdsThirdThirstyThursday, September 19^st , 2013.

Okay, no more fooling around.  Go get your tickets RIGHT NOW for Looking for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour.  There are only two shows remaining, tonight at 8PM, and Sunday at 7PM at Café Nola, and you can either buy tickets in advance or at the door:

http://fringearts.ticketleap.com/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeback-tour/#view=calendar

If you are buying tickets at the door tonight, We will give you a five dollar discount if you say “Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad” (or, alternatively, if you say, “I read Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!”).

Thank you, meanwhile, to everyone who has come to see Our show so far, and to all of Our generous supporters.

Speaking of G-strings, it occurs to Us that We have been remiss in not re-sharing Our other Virgo video with you, the one with the hawtt almost-nekkid angel in it.  So here ya go:

 

And here is the HorrorScope:

From the People Who Were Famous In The 60s Department, it is Adam West’s birthday today.  Also Twiggy’s.

And now, because We have to mentally prepare Ourselves for the sound of one hand clapping while Helen Keller falls down in the forest, here, in lieu of Kelli’s krap, is a reading from Madame Olivia:

Greetings Eric ~

Welcome to Madame Olivia. It's lovely to have you back.

Madame Olivia can see that like her, you are interested in eating. How, though, can we experience all the food that entices us, but remain svelte and healthy? One very excellent principle is oryoki, the mindful Japanese way of eating which means "just enough." If we truly pay attention to what we are putting in our mouths, we are sooner satisfied. Oryoki is a worthy principle to consider, perhaps to apply when we can. Notice the giant loophole that Madame Olivia, no stranger to a savage crême brulée, is leaving you. Oryoki is a guideline, not a rule.

Now, powerful little Aries, Madame Olivia would like to suggest something to your hard-working self: it is time for a rest. You've driven yourself so hard for such a stretch that you could be headed for a spot of trouble if you don't take a breather. Do not feel guilty! You have earned some leisure.

The color light blue will carry meaning.

Madame Olivia has enjoyed her time with you today and wishes you all the best.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Voulez vous coucher avec Johnny Depp?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Fat Tuesday, February 21, 2012. So Happy Fat Tuesday, y’all. (The “y’all” is there to clue y’all (heh) in that We are doing Our very best Paula Deen impression this morning.) We have just this very minute decided that Fat Tuesday is Our very most favoritest holiday of ‘em all, because it is the one holiday in the year when We automatically fit in, without even so much as a pancake to bless Ourself with.  Although We will be making Sunday gravy later.  But it’s alright, because We are wearing Our Tuesday panties.

Speaking of Our Tuesday panties, you will no doubt have already noticed Our Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Béarnaise Bordelaise Creole Lady Marmalade, which is a shot from Our latest modeling photo shoot.  As you can see, We are filling a niche market.  (Well, truth be told, We are filling pretty much EVERY market in that photo.  Talk about squeezing out the competition.)  We regret that We are posed in such a way that you cannot read that Our panties say “Tuesday”, but trust Us, they do.  Actually, Our panties said a lot of things that day, most notably, “Get us the fuck outta here!!!”

Let me hear your panties talk, your panties talk…let’s get physical…oh, look; Olivia Newton-John has joined the party!

We ate a meatball off the floor right over there.

Our dinner guest for the evening is no doubt reading this right now, desperately attempting to think up likely excuses with which to beg off.  But We have to have dinner tonight…tomorrow is Ash Wednesday and, as We usually do, We will be giving up sacrifice for Lent.

Changing the subject completely, Twiggy.  Also, please go and watch Our Starizna’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Pisces video, and like it, and share it with your friends.  Oh, not for Us; We already know you won’t do anything just because WE ask you to, but for Our costar, young Mister Bieber, whose panties always say “Today”.

We have no idea what that meant, but here is the link that you will persist in not using to share Our video with your friends:  http://youtu.be/qqEjYYBFxG4

Today is the first panties of the rest of your life. (We thought for a moment that “Today™” was also the name of a brand of pantyliners, but it turns out We were thinking of Today™ contraceptive sponges instead.  As One does.)

And now, Charlene Tilton has been wearing her Tuesday panties since last Thursday.  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

 

Expect to get last-minute help just when you need it the most. (So, wait…mental health professionals make housecalls?)

 

(Does anyone else find it telling that Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t even recognize “housecalls” as a word?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

 

Make sure your lines of communication are wide open, (Oh, We are fully dilated.  There’s a whole box of Today™ up there, and a week or two’s worth of panties.)

 

as people may use eccentric tools to try to get in touch with you.  (Is it just Us, or does “eccentric tools” sound really, really dirty?  And FUN?)

 

Today, focus (Sorry…what did you say?)

 

(Apparently, that joke actually DOES get old.)

 

all your available energy and free time on making firmer plans for your career’s future. (Making Sunday gravy on Tuesday. Since 2001.)

 

Remember: (The Alamo, Tickle Me Elmo™, Lorenzo Lamas.)

 

(We just write ‘em, We don’t explain ‘em.)

If you take time to plan ahead, you won’t ever get left behind!  (Wow!  Head and behind in the same sentence!  Of course, it was only Our left behind, but, as you can see from Our pixture, that should be plenty.)

 

Think about where you want to be in the next five years, (Wait…We only get to pick one place?  Does “Johnny Depp’s underwear” count?)

 

and imagine what your daily routine will be like. (On the other hand, imagine not having something as boring as a daily routine.)

 

Are you working in a team, or working alone? (Well, if We’re in Johnny Depp’s underwear, We’re pretty much alone except for Johnny Junior.  If there’s a team involved, can it be the Swedish Olympic men’s swim team?)

 

Are you giving orders, or are you taking them? (Yeah.  Like We’re gonna try to boss Johnny Depp around.)

 

Envisioning where you want to be is the first step toward drawing yourself a map of how to get there.  (Oh, good lord, not this “viZZZualize” crap again.  Every week, We viZZZualize exactly what We will do when We win PowerBall™.  Do We ever win PowerBall™?  No, We do not.  Stick your “Secret” in your Tuesday panties, put ‘em in a box of Today™, and shove ‘em where the sun don’t shine.)

 

Staying focused for any length of time right now? (We promise not to do that joke again.)

 

Don’t bother. (He ain’t heavy, he’s Our bother.)

 

(Was that a fat joke?)

 

Stardust fills your head with wild ideas and crazy thoughts. (Now We are imagining shaking Our head and having it work just like an Etch-A-Sketch™.  (Now We’re imagining something called Etch-A-Sketch Comedy.  You have no idea how much fun it is to be Us.))

 

What’s the point of concentrating when the world’s filled with so many other things and hotties to admire? (True dat, Boo.)

 

Space out now; work later. (Sunday gravy is not gonna make its own self.)

 

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.