Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday’s Eve (for that “not-so-fresh” feeling), July
24nd , 2014.
Happy birthday to Kim, who turns twenty-four
today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
We are exhausted this morning, as We had
dreams involving both Thanksgiving AND Christmas (it IS still July, isn’t it?)
in which We had to do all the preparations for each. Then, when We came downstairs in Casa du
Crackpot and began Our morning computations, Our mouse (computer mouse, mind
you…We don’t have pets, rodential or otherwise) breathed its absolute last and
needed to be replaced.
Fortunately, said mouse had warned Us of its
imminent demise on a previous occasion, so We had a back-up mouse waiting in
the wings. We were so proud of Ourself,
being prepared like a Boy Scout like that.
(Usually, We’re only prepared FOR a Boy Scout.)
We trust you all had a wonderful Batman Day
yesterday, and enjoyed all-the-cake-you-could eat in honor of Daniel Radcliffe’s
birthday.
We mention yesterday because We have so little
new to report today that We’re just gonna sneak in a lot of recaps and hope
nobody notices. (The naked skimmers, of
course, will be fine. (Hi, naked
skimmers! (Nice place for a merit badge, Boy Scout!)))
Our energy is waning by the second. We have two things We are supposed to do
later today, and We can already feel Ourself not doing them. (Fortunately, no one has seen Our to-do list
except Us. So, when it doesn’t turn into
a “ta-da!” list, nobody will know.)
We thought We might re-energize Ourself
earlier, when We put “all-you-can-eat” and “Daniel Radcliffe” in the same sentence,
but no such luck. (Day-um, if even THAT
didn’t work, you KNOW We’re running on empty.)
Two things We DO have that ARE new:
Beyoncé-logue: “All the Single Ladies”:
Stuff Southern Women Say:
And now, a few return engagements from
long-ago yesterday:
We have moved into the sign of Leo, which
contains, amongst other things, the highest percentage of sexxxy-assz mens in
the zodiac. Our Leo video is above, and
here is the link with which you may Cher it with your friends:
You may also recall that,
for something completely different, yesterday We plugged something (oh, get
your mind out of the gutter) that had nothing to do with Us Our Own Self
Personally. The folks thus plugged (heh)
were happy with their plugging (smut…it’s not just for breakfast any more), and
are consequently back for Round Two (relax…We’re not gonna do this EVERY DAY).
This time around, instead of
Our long-winded plugging (that just doesn’t get old, does it? (which, if you
miss Our verbosity, can be found at http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/07/romeo-was-restless-he-was-ready-to-kill.html
)), We are simply going to quote from one of their (Tribe of Fools) pitches:
“If you love Tribe of Fools, (controlled)
physical danger on stage, mummers, gay mummers or foul mouthed reinventions of
Shakespeare characters who live in South Philly, I hope you can help support
this production. You won't regret it….”
You’re back? Good…We hope you were generous. As a special reward, here is a link to the
Tribe of Fools’ Fearless Leader’s blog:
Meanwhile, back to a subject near and dear to
Our heart: Us.
We still have a sketch to finish for The WaitStaff Sh!ts The Bed; We are
murder-mysterying tomorrow, and have people coming to see Us, but We need to
figger out how many and who; and We are trying to get LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina
Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour back
on the boards. So excuse Us if We’re
just a wee tad distracted…
In celebrity birthday news, it is Jay
McGuiness’s birthday. Jay McGuiness is a
poor man’s Harry Styles. (If you don’t
know who either of those gentlemen are, relax…it just means more for Us. (Also, you are old. (It’s Amelia Earhart’s birthday, too...why’n’tcha
go look for her?)))
It’s a good day for purchases (Fine…how much for Louisiana?)
(Heh.
See what We did there?)
(Oh, please.
Helen Keller saw what We did there.)
— but better for practical stuff like
computers or furniture than for toys. (Ya know what’s practical? Needing a new mouse, and ALREADY HAVING
ONE. Who’s practical NOW, Bee-Yotch?)
You should be able to get a good deal,
especially if you’re buying from someone willing to haggle. (Fortunately, the number of people willing TO
haggle is exponentially larger than the number of people willing to SAY “haggle”.)
At the moment, there’s nowhere else you’d
rather be than home, and while you can’t click your heels together and get
yourself there, probably because of a work situation, all you can think about
is shuffling through the front door, pulling down the shades and curling up
with the cat on the couch. (Okay,
that? Was a really long-winded way to
say, “Kiss Us quick, We’re Judy Garland.”)
Fade to black. (See, no matter how much they SAY, “Orange is The
New Black”, “fade to orange” will never replace “fade to black”. Unless you’re getting a spray-tan.)
That’s not the kind of thing you’d ever do,
though — unless you’d really had it with the entire world. (Have you MET Us?)
Be flirtatious with someone who you’d like to
see more of. (We tried that. That’s how
We wound up with this restraining order.)
By showing that you’re approachable and
interested, it’s less intimidating for this person to ask you out. (Oddly
enough, guys always confuse “asking Us out” with “asking Us to GET out”.)
Relax, smile and use body language to give
the green light. (Our body speaks in
tongues, Bay-Bee.)
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
