Like a rhinestone cowboy

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  GoodPieRupeeTuesday, September Twoth, Twoth Ousandthirteen.   We trust you all had a laborious Labor Day.  We know We did. 

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to OurAmericanCousin David, who turned twenty-four this past weekend all the way out in Michigan.  Which, We learned recently, is near something called “Wisconsin”.  (Actually, We already knew where Michigan was; it’s this Wisconsin” thing that was news to Us.  Geography is difficult, especially around the holidays.) 

(Did We mention that We found out where Wisconsin is because We know someone who’s there (temporarily)?  We figgered, if We know where it is, maybe We can help him find his way back at the end.)

Happy Belated Birthday also to Jackie, who turned twenty-four this past weekend On The Way To Cape May, New Jer-Zay. (Since that sounded like a song, We decided to make it rhyme.  Because We can do what We want, and you are not the boss of Us.)

Also, Happy Belated Birthday to Our Labor Day babies (are We Stephen Fucking Sondheim in here this morning, or what?) Charlie, who turned twenty-four yesterday in New York (the one in New York…We even know where it is!), and Mike, who turned twenty-four yesterday right here in the suburbs of The City That Loves You (On Your) Back, and Tony, who  turned twenty-four yesterday in Hollywood.  Florida.  (So would that be East Hollywood?  We are confused…)

We just erased a really mean observation about someone’s lack of manners.  Miss Manners would be so proud.

So We finished Our script over the weekend, and read it for Our director.  It is supposed to be an hour; the reading was 59 minutes.  Which means We can cut some.

Meanwhile from the Math Is Hard Department:  the current script is about 7000 words, and lasts an hour.  The Wedding Consultant lasted an hour and twenty minutes, and was 28000 words.  Jigga WUT?!?

That said, please go and buy tickets for Our Fringe show,  LOOKING FOR URANUS:  Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour:  

http://fringearts.ticketleap.com/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeback-tour/#view=calendar

Also, tell your friends, etc.  We have been a little preoccupied with, ya know, making there be a SCRIPT for the damn thing that We haven’t quite been the lean, mean publicity machine We might otherwise have been.

(That paragraph works best if you pronounce that last “been” as “bean”.  You DID pronounce that last “been” as “bean”, didn’t you?  If not, We’ll wait whilst you go back.)

There is also a SitOnMyFaceBook event here: https://www.facebook.com/events/706806152678843/ for your convenience in sharing on that platform.

 

Apropos of nussing, here is this: http://benedictcumberbatchgenerator.tumblr.com/‏

And here is a video clip in which Zac Efron has no shirt on: http://www.queerty.com/watch-zac-efron-shirtless-instagram-20130903/ You’re welcome.

And here is the HorrorScope:

Okay, Mark Harmon is SIXTY-TWO today, and Keanu Reeves is FORTY-NINE.  These fucking celebrities need to stop having birthdays, because they are making the rest of Us feel old.

Your bold (And beautiful…don’t forget beautiful.)

action makes life a lot better — and not just for you!  (Whaddaya mean, “not just for Us”?  Who the hell else is there?)

It’s one of those days when you show the world what you are made of, (Oh, please, Ducks.  Never show them how the magic is done.  They might think they could do it their own selves.)

and it sits up to pay close attention!  (Unfortunately, it then rolls over and plays dead.)

Take a risk.  (Take two; they’re small.)

 Are you feeling some anti-romance feelings right now?  (Oh, please.  We are the Black Hole of romance.)

(Wait…that didn’t exactly come out right.)

Feelings are just feelings, (Is anyone else singing “Feelings” now?)

(Whoa…whoa…whoa…FEEEEEELINGS….)

(Oh, is that song stuck in your head now?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)

so don’t let this worry you. (May We let it fret Us?)

 If you’re single, (…and you know it, clap your hands.)

you’re going to start to appreciate your independence in a whole new way.  (Mmm-hmm.  Because the actual word is “in Depends™ness”.)

But if you’re in a relationship or just starting one, you might struggle with this sudden urge to be by yourself.  (Okay, We’re fairly certain that sentence was composed of just a hunch of random words.  Not unlike a monkey flinging poo.)

Your partner will understand if you need your space, so don’t be afraid to ask for it. (Honey, if We’re asking for stuff, it’s gonna be a lot better stuff than space.)

Chances are,  (Johnny Mathis is a fag.)

the distance will help you both rejoice in coming back together.  (Why is it that people are always rejoicing, but We never see them joice in the first place?)

Are you daring? (We are glaringly daring, like a Waring™ blender’s ball bearings.)

(What?)

Of course you are, and with today’s big, bold, impulsive energy flowing right through you, (A euphemism if ever We saw one.)

you’re even more likely to take big risks. (Sounds risky.)

(We should point out at this juncture that We are also willing to take big frisks.  Just so ya know.)

 When it comes to your love life, why the heck not?  (Indeed.  You have clearly indicated that We should throw fucking caution to the cocksucking wind, what with your daring use of “heck” and all.  Stupid fucking asshatted motherfucker.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Domo arigato, Mister Roboto

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for TunesDay, January 17, 2012.  Happy birthday to Allen, who turns twenty-four today in North Dakota.  Or Minnesota.  Whatever…some Canadian province or another.  It’s cold there, and We are fed up to the teeth with winter.  The end.

We trust you all had a lovely Martin Luther King Day, and that all the Martin Luther King Day presents that you wanted were found under your Martin Luther King Day tree.  We Our Own Self Personally were thwarted from shooting the latest installment of Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope yesterday by the dreaded technical difficulties, and so will be shooting today.

Nothing is easy.

Except, of course, Us.

Meanwhile, We shall very shortly be contacting Our good friend Miss Manners to assist Us in delivering an epic smackdown to some denizens of the WorldWideInterWebNetz, who imagine that, just because We are only a cyber-presence, We are somehow unworthy of common courtesy and attention.  Stay tuned.

In still other news, Jim Carrey is fifty.

In still other other news, have you watched this yet?:

 And have you shared it with your friends?

http://youtu.be/qQ4zUrLmBPg

And have you checked out the other videos? http://www.youtube.com/user/RickinPhilly?feature=mhee

And have you joined the Charlene Tilton fan club?

 And here’s The HorrorScope:

You’ve got to deal with some serious business that only you know is happening — in fact, it might all be inside your head!  (Oh, good…imaginary serious business.  Like We hadn’t already made up enough crap to worry about.  Jeebus.)

Make sure that you’ve got the right resources to tackle all this.  (Well, since it’s imaginary serious business, can’t We just imagine that We have the right imaginary resources to deal with it?)

Keeping a tight lid on your emotions might be an effective way to achieve a cool and collected demeanor, but it’s also important to find time to feel your feelings — and learn from them. (“Feel your feelings”?  Seriously?

There was a young lady from Ealing

Who had a peculiar feeling

She laid on her back

And opened her crack

And pissed all over the ceiling.)

(In an unprecedented move, We should like to COMMEND Micro$oft Weird™ for recognizing that it should be “She LAY on her back”. We are not, however, changing it.  Limerick, vernacular, Hassenpfeffer Incorporated.)

(What?)

If you’re very happy or very upset with someone right now, you need to find a way to express those feelings. (If you’re happy and you know it, share your meds.)

This person needs to hear the truth (You can’t handle the truth!)

— whether it’s good or bad. (There’s piss all over the ceiling…which do YOU think it is?)

Shutting down and doing your best imitation of a robot is not going to help you move forward right now.  (We obviously know very little about how to make money in show business, but We are here to tell you that there is absolutely no market whatsoever for robot imitations.)

Subliminal messages could mean some heavy business if you misinterpret the signals. (Was that a fat joke?)

Unless you happen to be clairvoyant, (Or Claire Boothe Luce.  We always get those two confused.)

it’s easy to misunderstand someone who might be too nervous to tell you something directly. (Well, have ‘em write their message on the ceiling.)

 Watch body language for clues. (We thought they were speaking in tongues; turns out, they were doing the Hokey-Pokey.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

And it's finger popping twenty-four hour shopping in Rapture

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, May 17, 2011.  Happy Erection Day!  (If that embarrasses you, hold your briefcase in front of you while you go vote.)

Only four more shopping days till The Rapture!  Further details have emerged, presumably from Those Privileged Individuals Who Speak Directly To Gawd.  It appears that The Rapture will be preceded by an earthquake, and will occur in each individual time zone at 6PM. (No word on whether that’s Daylight Savings Time or Standard Time.  Apparently, Gawd was not in that particular detail.)  What that would appear to mean is that, while there will be time for cocktails and hors d’oeuvres, there will be no time for dinner, so folks will be ascending directly into Heaven on an empty stomach.  Which will do precious little to quell the debate as to whether Gawd could make a Christian so heavy that He couldn’t lift it. It would also appear to mean that once Gawd starts The Rapture in whatever particular time zone He chooses (no word on that little detail either), folks in later time zones will have an hour or more to repent, suck up, and find Jeebus.  Which seems a little unfair and, dare We say, unGawdly.

When people say they’ve “found Jeebus”, does anyone else automatically think of Where’s Waldo?, or is it just Us?  Just Us?  Alrighty then.

Here at Erix Daily Horoscope, We will be planning business as usual for Our weekend, as We are fairly sure that ascending directly into Heaven won’t be on Our particular schedule.  We have, however, given some consideration as to where We shall go Post-Rapture Looting on Sunday. (What?  It’s not like there’ll be any point to going to church, right?)

Of course, the big excitement here will occur on The Rapture Eve, and We’re not just talking about hanging Our Rapture stockings by the chimney with care.  (Does One wear stockings to ascend directly into Heaven?  Does One wear clothing in Heaven at all, or is it just a bunch of ugly naked people?  Because that doesn’t sound like Heaven to Us; it sounds like a fat farm. Where oh where is Miss Manners’ Guide To The Rapture when you need it?)  We are talking, of course, about the Tip-Top Secret project that We will be unleashing on an unsuspecting universe on Friday.  This project is so stupendously amazing that it may change some people’s minds about being Raptured, lest they get to Heaven and find that Our project doesn’t play there. (That would seem to be a contradiction in terms, no?  We mean, if you’re in Heaven, and you want something, you should be able to get it, or it’s not really Heaven, right?  And We are by no means adverse to Our project playing in Heaven, assuming (thereby making an ass out Us and Uma Thurman as she ascends directly into Heaven) that a mutually beneficial deal can be struck.  So, Gawd: have Your people call Our people, and they can do lunch.)

On a lighter note (la), this non-Rapture-related public service announcement just in from The Sainted Mother:

Shampoo alert!

As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read my shampoo bottle.  I am in shock!  The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my entire body says "for extra volume and body"!  Seriously, why have I not noticed this before?  Now I understand why I am so "full-figured"!

 Tomorrow I am going to start using "Dawn" dish soap.  It says right on the label "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."

 It pays to read the warning labels, my friends!

The HorrorScope:

You need to show off your adventurous side (Well, good. Because Our other side is busy eclipsing the sun.)

— yes, even more so than usual — by exploring a new neighborhood  (Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, perhaps.  (Was it just Us, or did he strike everyone else as a pervy creepy child molester too?  Even as a child, We were convinced he was going to come through the television screen and touch Us in bad places.  And NOT in a good way.  Keep your damn cardigan sweater ON, ya skanky pervy wanker, and stop going in and out of that closet!))

or staking out territory somewhere you’d never have imagined yourself before.  (Oh, dear.  That sounds as though she thinks We might wind up being Raptured after all.  And Us without a thing to wear!)

 You will be the calm center of the storm today (“I” as in “hurricane”.)

(Sometimes, We are existentially funny.  We love those times best of all.)

— while everyone around you will be driven completely by their emotions. (While We?  Will be driven to distraction.  (Sorry…what?))

(Heh. SWWDT?)

Luckily, you know how to stay focused and stay on task. (We certainly…oh, look; a balloon!)

Your cool, calm demeanor (Jigga WUT?)

is a valuable asset today, (Was that an ass joke? (Do these jeans make Our ass look fat?  No, your fat ass makes your ass look fat.))

so resist the urge to get caught up in the drama unfolding all around you. (Save the drama for the Dalai Lama.)

(We have no idea.  Just move on.)

Keeping an objective viewpoint isn’t always easy, (But We are.)

(Seriously…c’mon over.  We’ll show ya “Rapture”.)

but doing so is definitely necessary right now. (Fortunately, doing sewing isn’t definitely necessary right now.  (We were about to say, “is there a jawb more boring than sewing?”, but then We remembered where We used to work.))

Remind everyone that taking things personally will only frustrate them.  (Taking things personally will only frustrate you.  Bitches.)

Romance can show up in the strangest places. (OurHouseWhereWeLive being, apparently, not one of them.)

You might even meet someone new at the dumpster behind your building. It could happen that your new, cute neighbor takes out their trash when you do. Make yourself presentable, and keep a business card handy.  (Okay, that?  Was the most disgusting, pathetic story ever.  Talk about When Hairy Met Smelly.)

(Sometimes, We are not-so-existentially funny.  Those times are okay, too.)

It occurs to Us that We have been remiss in mentioning Himself’s endeavors (or, indeed, come to think of it, Himself), so We should point out that, following their critically acclaimed sold-out performance at Helium Comedy Club in March, the WaitStaff Sketch Comedy Strormtroopers will triumphantly return to same on June 1th, and would love to see you there.  Further info can be found here:  http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=216397555056276  Tickets here: https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/471

*****************************************************************************  

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.