Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for TunesDay, January 17, 2012. Happy birthday to Allen, who turns twenty-four today in North Dakota. Or Minnesota. Whatever…some Canadian province or another. It’s cold there, and We are fed up to the teeth with winter. The end.
We trust you all had a lovely Martin Luther King Day, and that all the Martin Luther King Day presents that you wanted were found under your Martin Luther King Day tree. We Our Own Self Personally were thwarted from shooting the latest installment of Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope yesterday by the dreaded technical difficulties, and so will be shooting today.
Nothing is easy.
Except, of course, Us.
Meanwhile, We shall very shortly be contacting Our good friend Miss Manners to assist Us in delivering an epic smackdown to some denizens of the WorldWideInterWebNetz, who imagine that, just because We are only a cyber-presence, We are somehow unworthy of common courtesy and attention. Stay tuned.
In still other news, Jim Carrey is fifty.
In still other other news, have you watched this yet?:
And have you shared it with your friends?
And have you checked out the other videos? http://www.youtube.com/user/RickinPhilly?feature=mhee
And have you joined the Charlene Tilton fan club?
And here’s The HorrorScope:
You’ve got to deal with some serious business that only you know is happening — in fact, it might all be inside your head! (Oh, good…imaginary serious business. Like We hadn’t already made up enough crap to worry about. Jeebus.)
Make sure that you’ve got the right resources to tackle all this. (Well, since it’s imaginary serious business, can’t We just imagine that We have the right imaginary resources to deal with it?)
Keeping a tight lid on your emotions might be an effective way to achieve a cool and collected demeanor, but it’s also important to find time to feel your feelings — and learn from them. (“Feel your feelings”? Seriously?
There was a young lady from Ealing
Who had a peculiar feeling
She laid on her back
And opened her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling.)
(In an unprecedented move, We should like to COMMEND Micro$oft Weird™ for recognizing that it should be “She LAY on her back”. We are not, however, changing it. Limerick, vernacular, Hassenpfeffer Incorporated.)
If you’re very happy or very upset with someone right now, you need to find a way to express those feelings. (If you’re happy and you know it, share your meds.)
This person needs to hear the truth (You can’t handle the truth!)
— whether it’s good or bad. (There’s piss all over the ceiling…which do YOU think it is?)
Shutting down and doing your best imitation of a robot is not going to help you move forward right now. (We obviously know very little about how to make money in show business, but We are here to tell you that there is absolutely no market whatsoever for robot imitations.)
Subliminal messages could mean some heavy business if you misinterpret the signals. (Was that a fat joke?)
Unless you happen to be clairvoyant, (Or Claire Boothe Luce. We always get those two confused.)
it’s easy to misunderstand someone who might be too nervous to tell you something directly. (Well, have ‘em write their message on the ceiling.)
Watch body language for clues. (We thought they were speaking in tongues; turns out, they were doing the Hokey-Pokey.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.