Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, January 31, 2012. We are aware that not many of you will be reading this, as most of you will have the day off from work for the holiday. The holiday being, of course, Justin Timberlake’s birthday. Several hours of which must needs be given over to contemplation of Justin Timberlake’s birthday suit. Sigh.
Changing topics, We find it incomprehensible that not ONE of you Perverted Little Fuckers…er, not ONE of you Gentle Readers so much as commented upon yesterday’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Cherchez Le Femme ChiChi LaRue Pepe LePew. We’re not even going to refresh your memories. (Or your mammaries, for that matter.) Go look it up.
In related news, We know exactly which ones of you know who ChiChi LaRue is. And yes, you SHOULD be embarrassed. (If there is anyone reading this who doesn’t know who Pepe LePew is, We don’t want to hear about it.)
As We mentioned yesterday, We were shooting Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Pisces e-pissode. How any of you will be able to stand the anticipation of the treat in for which you are is completely beyond Us. We may just have to tease you about it every day until the video drops. Did We mention Our Very Special Guest Star? Did We mention there was cake?
Here’s the HorrorScope. (Note the absence of any reference whatsoever to Miss Charlene Tilton.):
(Before We begin, Kelli would like Us to know that, in addition to being Mister Timberlake’s birthday, it is also the birthday of Portia de Rossi. You know, We are fairly certain that if a child starts its life with a name like “Portia de Rossi”, that child is pretty much destined to be famous. You don’t hear people saying things like, “Oh, that’s my cleaning lady, Portia de Rossi” or “I’d like you to meet my proctologist, Portia de Rossi”, do you?)
Find your patience and make the most of it — because you’re off to a slow start today! (Patience? Have you met Us? We are an Aries. Patience is for pussies. Or Pisces. One of those.)
That can work to your advantage as long as you can find new ways to keep your boredom from spreading. (Also, to keep Our buttocks from spreading. And, to keep Our boredom from spreading to Our buttocks. Or, if Our boredom must spread to Our buttocks, to at least keep it spreading evenly. Because We’re not exactly sure how We would deal with having one buttock more bored than the other.)
(What the hell just happened?)
In your quest to have everyone like you right now, (Wait a minute…are you saying everyone doesn’t like Us already?)
you could be very influenced by people who might not have your best interests at heart. (Damn those people! And their torpedoes!)
It is time for you to get comfortable with the fact that you cannot be everyone’s friend. (Nor can you be everyone’s cleaning lady. Or everyone’s proctologist. Especially if your name is Portia de Rossi.)
(Doctor Timberlake, on the other hand, is cordially invited to look up Our ass and tell Us if Our hat’s on straight.)
(That was a little joke. We’re not actually wearing a hat.)
No one likes everyone they meet, and no one can be liked by everyone — not even someone as agreeable, charming and generous as you! (Flattery will get you silverware. (What does that even MEAN???))
It’s more important to follow your heart (Indeed. Because following Uranus would make you walk funny.)
(Heh. We kill Us.)
and do what you think is the right thing to do than follow the fashions of the day. (If you’ve got a passion for fashion….and you’ve got a craving for saving…)
(Ooops…is that jingle stuck in your head now? Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)
From the morning through sometime this afternoon, you’re all that and more. (Could We be all that and a bag of chips? Because mmmm, chips.)
Why hint around when you make asking outright look so darn good? (Fine: Justin Timberlake…let’s go over to Johnny Depp’s house and play doctor.)
Tonight, though, less is more (People always say that. It isn’t true. Less is, by definition, less. Ya know what’s more? More.)
— say it with a smile. (Alternatively, say it with a Waring™ blender and a lemur in a scuba suit. They might not like what you say, but they’ll never forget you saying it.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.