I ain't had no lovin' since January, February, June or July

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for SunDayFunDay, January 5^st, 2013.

Happy Birthday to Ken, who turns twenty-four today all the way out in Fran Sancisco.  Where they think Rice-A-Roni™ is a treat.  Also, Happy Birthday to Travis, who turns twenty-four today , somewhere in the vicinity of The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. 

Happy Belated Birthday to Peterson and to Anna, each of whom also turned twenty-four yesterday, for a grand total of forty-eight.

We have no idea what that means.

Here at Casa du Curmudgeon, We are sick like Downward Dog and delirious with the fever for the flavor of a Pringles™.  This came upon Us (and when does THAT happen?) after Friday’s e-pisstle and was in full swing by Friday night.  It has forced Us to call in sick to work, and to cancel dinner plans for today to which We have been looking forward for practically damn ever.  Also, it has put Us behind on All Of Those Things We Were Going To Accomplish After The Holidays.

We can tell that this is the flu, and not just a common cold because, in addition to all of the oh-so-attractive physical symptoms, it is accompanied by that state of depression and feeling of general worthlessness that only comes with a good flu.  We would expound upon that, but the sound of typing is getting on Our nerves.

Apropos of nothing, We just recalled that, in the midst of last night’s thirteen hours of delirious bedtime, We had a dream in which We were watching a musical at Plays and Players.  Starring Cory Monteith.  Who is dead.

Now We are going to cheat and leave large chunks of Friday’s text here.  The naked skimmers will never notice.

Our video (Capricorn, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:  http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM.

On repeat viewing, We must say that that particular video is one of Our favorites.  It has, over time, been somewhat e-clipsed by the artsy-fartsiness of Our French New Wave e-pissode:

…as well as by, naturally, The One With Justin Bieber’s Penis:

Having thus shamelessly plugged Ourself (because if We don’t plug Ourself, clearly no one else is going to), We shall move on.

In other other news, We have been seriously remiss in reporting on the activities Our ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulist) friend, colleague, and fantasy three-legged race partner, AstroGeek. (External factors such as his move to a new blogging platform and the demise of Google Reader have certainly contributed to this remissness, but still…)  Here is his latest e-pisstle, which is all the evidence you need to begin clamoring for him to replace Kelli The AssHatt.  GO! http://sett.com/astrogeek895/new-moon-on-new-years-in-cap-oh-yeah-we-bad-aka-fuck-you-2013

In other news, mark your calendars for Sunday, January 12 at 8PM and Friday, January 17 at 8PM, in Beautiful Downtown Norristown for the triumphant return of LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices Festival!

Tickets are now available at  http://thecentretheater.ticketleap.com/

Also, check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/259746334150716/ (FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the logo)).

This will not, as you may have guessed, be the only reminder you will receive of this upcoming event.  Stay tuned also for other appearances in the Greater Philadelphia Area and up and down the Eastern Seaboard.  Because Starzina is nothing if not peripatetic.  (Also poetic and chic.)

And now, the HorrorScope…

Is anyone else disappointed to learn that Mad Men star January Jones was born in…January?  That’s like finding out that June Allyson was born in Depends™.

We have no idea what that means, either.

You’ve got to lend a hand to those in need today (Oh, sure…Our hands are one of Our few body parts that are functioning normally, and now We’re expected to give ‘em away.)

(Did We mention that, in between bouts of uncontrollable farting, Our intestines feel like We’ve been participating in a ground-glass-eating contest?  Because We would hate to be accused of not sharing enough…)

— at least one person is counting on you. (So wait…did you COUNT the people who are counting on Us?  Because “at least one” isn’t a number.)

Things may get pretty hectic later in the afternoon, but as long as you’re focusing outward, all should be well.  (Plus, there’s Downton Abbey later.)

 Fasten your seatbelt and put your tray-table in the upright position (Oh, Kelli…you are such a wacky, zany, madcap impish little scamp.  Except for, ya know, NOT.)

— because whatever you had penciled into your planner will be entirely different from what actually happens. (We know.  We were supposed to be having a dinner party.  We suspect We shall open a can of chicken soup and call it a day.)

That’s not to say you’ll be distraught over the difference. (That’s easy for you to say.)

In fact, since you’re a fire sign, you’ll probably love it. (“Love” seems an awfully strong word for canned chicken soup.  Just sayin’.)

Besides, the end result of this unexpected event will be an unexpected blessing.  (What, we’re gonna find the can of chicken soup that lays the golden eggs?)

 Karma is tricky, yet rewarding. (It is also a bitch.  On the other hand, with every five karmas, you get a chameleon.)

 Your actions now could directly affect someone later. (That’s like that butterfly movie with Ashton Kutcher, innit?  We never saw that movie.  Is he naked in it?)

Keep that temper in check and put out positive energy by doing good deeds for anyone who comes your way.  (Oh, please.  No one is “coming Our way”.  (Although, if you ARE coming Our way, please bring homemade chicken soup.  KThxBye.))

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

It’s a very short road from the pinch and the punch to the paunch and the pouch and the pension

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, June 1th, 2012.  June Allyson is busting out all over for Depends™!  We’ve been waiting all week to say that.  Which gives you some idea of what kind of week We’ve had.  Not, of course, as bad a week as June Allyson has had, what with having been dead since 2006 and all.  Don’t you feel as though you’ve just seen a “June Allyson for Depends™” commercial recently? Do you suppose they’re still playing them, now that they don’t have to pay her residuals?  Inquiring minds want to know…

At least Elizabeth Taylor’s posthumous commercial appearances will all be for her White Diamonds™ fragrance.  “These have always brought me luck,” seems a much better legacy than “I just pissed my pants.”  But imagine that there’s a whole generation of people who will only ever know Elizabeth Taylor from those commercials and as Grandma Flintstone.  Sigh.  Old age…not for pussies.  For example, it occurred to Us recently that the students in the sketch comedy class We help MizGerreGarrett with?  All born in 1990 or later.  At least We don’t have to worry about dating any of them, as We now have a rule that We will not date anyone if there are things that have been in Our underwear drawer longer than they have been alive.

Well, that was depressing.  Let’s lighten things up a little by imagining Alex Trebek listing Jeopardy categories, one of which is “Things That Have Been In Our Underwear Drawer”.

That didn’t so much lighten things up as it did creepy them up, eh?  Moving on…in birthday news, Marilyn Monroe and Andy Griffith were both born on this date in 1926.  And, on a more contemporary note, today is Danny Zavatsky’s thirtieth birthday.  (Relax…We don’t know who he is either.  But We’re looking forward to his Depends™ commercial.)

So.  We just talked about nothing for four paragraphs.  And you just read it all. (Well, except for you naked skimmers.  (We can SEE where your other hand is, ya know.))

Speaking of nothing,  the WaitStaff will be playing The Match Game again by popular demand on Thursday, June 7 and Friday, June 8, at 7:30 at L’Etage at 6^th & Bainbridge.  Did We mention that, the first time We played, a number of people came back for more than one performance?  Well, We did now.  Reservations are strongly suggested, and can be obtained here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/250950  Find more info on Our SitOnMyFaceBook event here:  http://www.facebook.com/events/429387893745900/  Be there or be square.

Here’s  the HorrorScope:

Use your social skills to get your way today (We shall use Our social DISEASE skills.  We shall pick crabs out of Our Depends™.  We shall have a crab boil at OurHouseWhereWeLive later on.  June Allyson will sing “This Was A Real Nice Clam Bake” from beyond the grave, until We finally tell her, “Shut up, you stupid cow, they’re CRABS!”)

(Talking about nothing is easy…We wonder why more people don’t do it.)

 — they can’t be denied!  (Also, for he’s a jolly good fellow, which NOBODY can deny!)

(What?)

In fact, if you try anything more intense than a wink and a smile, (How ‘bout a wink and a wiggle and a giggle on the grass, and We’ll trip the light fandango?)

(Who wants to play Name That Tune?)

(Who wants to play What The Fuck’s A Fandango, And Can We Do It While Going Commando In A Winnebago in Oswego?)

(Hint:  the second game is more fun, and has better prizes.)

you may find doors shutting and people saying ‘no.’  (Who said other people were allowed to talk?)

Let’s get it started in here!  (It’s a little known fact “let’s get this potty started” was the original slogan for Depends™, until June Allyson refused to utter it on television, saying cryptically, “This isn’t a very nice clambake.”)

Today you will be very focused on beginnings  (A very good place to fart.)

— which is perfect, (Mmm-hmm.  Because, in Our universe, “perfect” happens.)

because the stars say that this is a superb time for new projects.  (The stars will, essentially, say anything you pay them to.  “This is June Allyson for Depends™”, “These have always brought me luck”, “A fandingo ate my baby”…you name it.)

(Heh.  “Fandingo”…We kill Us.)

Entertainments and social festivities are favored over business or educational endeavors; however, you will be able to get a lot of planning and preparation done on anything you start today. (That entire sentence sounded like a lot of work.)

Enlist the help of a friend who has an address book full of amazing contacts.  (The mind fairly boggles.)

Misunderstandings happen.  (And We don’t understand that.)

Making amends is easier than you realize. (Making the Amish, on the other hand, is damn near impossible.)

Remember to regard the other person’s feelings and everything will be fine. (Wait…first somebody let them TALK, and now they have FEELINGS?!?  The hell?!?)

Be sincere in your apology. (We are sincerely sorry that you have misunderstood Our superior place in The Universe and have thus egregiously offended Us.  If you demonstrate true contrition, We may allow you to be so fortunate as to attempt to make it up to us.  You’re welcome.)

(How wuzzat?)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Someday, maybe Fred will win the fight. Then that cat will stay out for the night.

(Oh, is the Flintstones theme song stuck in your head now?   Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, March 11, 2011.  So, hey!  How about today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Dorothy Lamour Marilyn McCoo for a piece of positive positivity that’s so positively positive that its positives have positives?  And people say We’re a Negative Nellie!  (Watch it with that “Nellie” crap, bitches.)  Of course, that’s all assuming (thereby sumo wrestling with Ming Na (you thought We were going to say, “thereby making an ass of you and Uma Thurman”, but We scoff at your expectations of predictability)) that you don’t mind spending the rest of the day thinking about Richard Simmons’ chest hair, but, hey, beggars can’t be coozehairs.  On the plus side, (“plus” being shorthand for positive, until One explains same parenthetically, thereby making it actually much longer (that’s what she said)), perhaps thinking about Richard Simmons’ chest hair will keep you from thinking about his armpit.  Of course, however, now that We’ve mentioned it, the likelihood of your being able to stop thinking about it is much the same as if We had (subjunctively) said “don’t think about penguins” and subsequently imagined that you would be capable of not thinking about penguins.

Which is to say, nil.  We being, naturally, the knights who say “nil”.  (That last was much funnier if you heard it in Our British accent.)

And now, for all of Our str8 boi readers (and lesbians) who slogged all the way through the preceding, a little Friday morning treat!  We give you a mental image of Uma Thurman and Ming Na mudwrestling.

You’re welcome.

Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t seem to think “mudwrestling” is a word.  Clearly, Micro$oft Weird™ hasn’t watched much classic gay porn.

Richard Simmons’ armpit.  (Hey, you didn’t think it was going to be ALL beer and skittles, did you?)

Speaking of body parts, let’s talk about Uranus.  We received the following in Our morning email:

“On March 11, Uranus will make a monumental shift into Aries, where it will remain for seven years after having resided in Pisces for the last seven years. Stubbornness, chaos, adventure and experimentation -- as well as a craving for something new and unique -- will all be the name of the game!

Uranus will help you release the past and move confidently into the future, but the more completely in tune you are with your personality, the easier and more successful the transition will be. This is an impulsive planet that loves out-of-the-box thinking, new technologies and freedom of expression.

Aries is a sign of action that can take Uranian ideals and make them a reality. While both are extremely stubborn -- a characteristic that makes compromise nearly impossible -- Uranus is also quite tolerant. You may not agree with people who aren't doing something your way, but you'll at least be willing to let them continue ... as long as they don't interfere with whatever you're trying to do!

When Uranus was in Pisces, there was quite a bit of confusion and a general misunderstanding about what was happening below the surface. Once in Aries, Uranus will bring more clarity, and you'll discover the courage to act without fear of consequences. Keep in mind, however, that practicality and foresight might present issues, and if you act without any thought at all, catastrophe could soon follow.

Will chaos reign? Perhaps. Are we in for an exciting seven years? Definitely!”

Whew!  That’s a lot of crap about a poop chute!  (Which is not at all the same as, and yet, not entirely dissimilar to a lot of poop about a crapshoot.)  What’s in Uranus?

(That last bit was supposed to sound like that credit card commercial that says, “What’s in YOUR wallet?”  We’ll wait, whilst you go back and read it again.)

We (well, Himself and We) get daily updates from Our friends at Helium Comedy Club, and We are here to report that the tickets are going quickly.  Also, the thickets are growing thickly, and the crickets are blowing sickly, but that’s neither here nor Nair™.  So get yours TODAY!  (Hey, it’s probably payday for about half of YouPeople with jawbs.)  Here is the link to Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp: https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/382

And now, from deep within Richard Simmons’ armpit, The Horoscope:

You need to keep your tongue in check today (Even Micro$oft Weird™ is suggesting that We change “check” to “cheek” in the preceding sentence.  So, since We’ve got the experts behind (heh) Us, We know you won’t mind if We decide that We’ll be keeping Our tongue in Uranus.)

— you’re liable to bust out with all kinds of weird things (For some reason, that last bit inspired Us to start singing, “June is busting out all over.”  Which, unfortunately, soon morphed into “June Allyson is busting out all over” and a really revolting Depends ™ commercial.)

(Richard Simmons’ armpit…June Allyson’s anus.  You decide.)

if you don’t run it all by an editor of some kind first!  (Oh, please.  If We had an editor, Erix Daily Horoscope would no doubt be reduced to the two-word prognostications of a Magic 8-Ball.)

That could lead to fun, or it could lead to trouble.  (In what bizarre universe are the two mutually exclusive?)

It is logical that the more effort you put in, the more rewards you reap. (Also, the more F-words you put in, the more retards you rape.)

(No, We have no idea what We’re talking about.  Why?)

You’ve been working hard, (…for the money, so hard for it honey…)

so right now you deserve a break (…today, so get out and get away…to McDonalds…)

(Life is just a damn  musical comedy, innit?)

 It’s not that you’re tired and need a rest — more likely, you need space and time (Hey, here’s an idea…how ‘bout a time-space continuum?)

to gain perspective on all you’ve done. (Kiss Us quick, We’re MC Escher. (Please, Escher, don’t hurt ‘em.))

You deserve a big pat on the back, (And a big rat on the pack.)

and the realization that you are capable of truly amazing things. (Amazing things…how sweet the sound , that saved a wretch like meeeeeee….)

Rack up some leisure time (But, please, no leisure suit time.)

— you can appreciate your success without focusing exclusively on it.  (Whatevs.)

You belong to the modern age (Because We’re?  A modern Stone Age fam-i-ly!)

— so work it to your advantage! (We are pretty sure that, when it’s used that way, it’s spelled “werq”.)

Now is the time to script that witty email to a crush or prowl dating profiles to see if anyone looks good.  (Does anyone else feel dirty now?)

Get that tech working for you! (Is there nerd sex in Our future?)

(Richard Simmons’ armpit.)

 

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(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.