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Friday, March 11, 2011

Someday, maybe Fred will win the fight. Then that cat will stay out for the night.

(Oh, is the Flintstones theme song stuck in your head now?   Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, March 11, 2011.  So, hey!  How about today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Dorothy Lamour Marilyn McCoo for a piece of positive positivity that’s so positively positive that its positives have positives?  And people say We’re a Negative Nellie!  (Watch it with that “Nellie” crap, bitches.)  Of course, that’s all assuming (thereby sumo wrestling with Ming Na (you thought We were going to say, “thereby making an ass of you and Uma Thurman”, but We scoff at your expectations of predictability)) that you don’t mind spending the rest of the day thinking about Richard Simmons’ chest hair, but, hey, beggars can’t be coozehairs.  On the plus side, (“plus” being shorthand for positive, until One explains same parenthetically, thereby making it actually much longer (that’s what she said)), perhaps thinking about Richard Simmons’ chest hair will keep you from thinking about his armpit.  Of course, however, now that We’ve mentioned it, the likelihood of your being able to stop thinking about it is much the same as if We had (subjunctively) said “don’t think about penguins” and subsequently imagined that you would be capable of not thinking about penguins.

Which is to say, nil.  We being, naturally, the knights who say “nil”.  (That last was much funnier if you heard it in Our British accent.)

And now, for all of Our str8 boi readers (and lesbians) who slogged all the way through the preceding, a little Friday morning treat!  We give you a mental image of Uma Thurman and Ming Na mudwrestling.

You’re welcome.

Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t seem to think “mudwrestling” is a word.  Clearly, Micro$oft Weird™ hasn’t watched much classic gay porn.

Richard Simmons’ armpit.  (Hey, you didn’t think it was going to be ALL beer and skittles, did you?)

Speaking of body parts, let’s talk about Uranus.  We received the following in Our morning email:

“On March 11, Uranus will make a monumental shift into Aries, where it will remain for seven years after having resided in Pisces for the last seven years. Stubbornness, chaos, adventure and experimentation -- as well as a craving for something new and unique -- will all be the name of the game!

Uranus will help you release the past and move confidently into the future, but the more completely in tune you are with your personality, the easier and more successful the transition will be. This is an impulsive planet that loves out-of-the-box thinking, new technologies and freedom of expression.

Aries is a sign of action that can take Uranian ideals and make them a reality. While both are extremely stubborn -- a characteristic that makes compromise nearly impossible -- Uranus is also quite tolerant. You may not agree with people who aren't doing something your way, but you'll at least be willing to let them continue ... as long as they don't interfere with whatever you're trying to do!

When Uranus was in Pisces, there was quite a bit of confusion and a general misunderstanding about what was happening below the surface. Once in Aries, Uranus will bring more clarity, and you'll discover the courage to act without fear of consequences. Keep in mind, however, that practicality and foresight might present issues, and if you act without any thought at all, catastrophe could soon follow.

Will chaos reign? Perhaps. Are we in for an exciting seven years? Definitely!”

Whew!  That’s a lot of crap about a poop chute!  (Which is not at all the same as, and yet, not entirely dissimilar to a lot of poop about a crapshoot.)  What’s in Uranus?

(That last bit was supposed to sound like that credit card commercial that says, “What’s in YOUR wallet?”  We’ll wait, whilst you go back and read it again.)

We (well, Himself and We) get daily updates from Our friends at Helium Comedy Club, and We are here to report that the tickets are going quickly.  Also, the thickets are growing thickly, and the crickets are blowing sickly, but that’s neither here nor Nair™.  So get yours TODAY!  (Hey, it’s probably payday for about half of YouPeople with jawbs.)  Here is the link to Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp:

And now, from deep within Richard Simmons’ armpit, The Horoscope:

You need to keep your tongue in check today (Even Micro$oft Weird™ is suggesting that We change “check” to “cheek” in the preceding sentence.  So, since We’ve got the experts behind (heh) Us, We know you won’t mind if We decide that We’ll be keeping Our tongue in Uranus.)

— you’re liable to bust out with all kinds of weird things (For some reason, that last bit inspired Us to start singing, “June is busting out all over.”  Which, unfortunately, soon morphed into “June Allyson is busting out all over” and a really revolting Depends ™ commercial.)

(Richard Simmons’ armpit…June Allyson’s anus.  You decide.)

if you don’t run it all by an editor of some kind first!  (Oh, please.  If We had an editor, Erix Daily Horoscope would no doubt be reduced to the two-word prognostications of a Magic 8-Ball.)

That could lead to fun, or it could lead to trouble.  (In what bizarre universe are the two mutually exclusive?)

It is logical that the more effort you put in, the more rewards you reap. (Also, the more F-words you put in, the more retards you rape.)

(No, We have no idea what We’re talking about.  Why?)

You’ve been working hard, (…for the money, so hard for it honey…)

so right now you deserve a break (…today, so get out and get away…to McDonalds…)

(Life is just a damn  musical comedy, innit?)

 It’s not that you’re tired and need a rest — more likely, you need space and time (Hey, here’s an idea…how ‘bout a time-space continuum?)

to gain perspective on all you’ve done. (Kiss Us quick, We’re MC Escher. (Please, Escher, don’t hurt ‘em.))

You deserve a big pat on the back, (And a big rat on the pack.)

and the realization that you are capable of truly amazing things. (Amazing things…how sweet the sound , that saved a wretch like meeeeeee….)

Rack up some leisure time (But, please, no leisure suit time.)

— you can appreciate your success without focusing exclusively on it.  (Whatevs.)

You belong to the modern age (Because We’re?  A modern Stone Age fam-i-ly!)

— so work it to your advantage! (We are pretty sure that, when it’s used that way, it’s spelled “werq”.)

Now is the time to script that witty email to a crush or prowl dating profiles to see if anyone looks good.  (Does anyone else feel dirty now?)

Get that tech working for you! (Is there nerd sex in Our future?)

(Richard Simmons’ armpit.)
(Your YOUR-O-Scopes: )
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.