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Thursday, March 10, 2011

Hooray for Helium!

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, March 10, 2011.  Did you miss Us, Poppets?  (We said “Poppets”, not “Crickets”.  Stop chirping, twirpings.)  Oh, the places We go…ed!  One of said places being Helium Comedy Club, where Himself and the WaitStaff (that really just doesn’t have quite the same ring as, say, “Josie and the Pussycats”, does it?) will be performing on Wednesday, March 16th.  Advance tickets are selling like hotcakes (does anyone actually purchase hotcakes?), so get your tickets NOW, before they are ALL GONE.  Here is the link:  The show is entitled The Real Housewives of South Philly, and is a completely different show than the Fringe show of the same name.  In addition to the Housewives, you will get to see Himself in a Star Wars (or do We mean Star Trek?) sketch, a situation made doubly amusing by the fact that Himself has never SEEN Star Wars (or do We mean Star Trek?)

Apropos of nothing, “William Shitner in Shat My Dad Says.”  There’s the punchline; someone please write the joke.  KThxBye.

We feel like We have missed so much….International Women Eat At The House Of Pancakes Day, Shrove Tuesday, Hash Wednesday…here, for your perusing pleasure are last year’s entries from those very occasions:  Tuesday: and Wednesday:
We trust We didn’t miss anyone’s twenty-fourth birthday, but, if We did, what have you done for Us lately, anyway?

Les Scopes de Horror (sorry to retrospect and run, but We’ve got a topical, up-to-the-minute opening sketch to write, so We can’t be wasting all of Our funny on YouPeople):

Try to reconnect with your core values today (How ‘bout We reconnect with Our whore values instead?  (Not, you understand, that We have found a way to sell what We cannot even give away, but still.  (In still other news, SitOnMyFaceBook informs Us that the gayest guy We have met in recent weeks is “in a relationship” with a woman.  Really, ClosetBoi?  What is she, your hairdresser?)))

— they are more important than you might realize, even when it comes to basic, mundane tasks like those you face right now. (“Mundane” is an odd word, innit?  Sounds like it could be a relative of the long-lost Sucretia and Epiphany…”and this is mah brutha, Mitochondira Mundane Jefferson.”)

(Oh, yes, We did.)

Remember what’s most important.  (MEEEEEE!!!!)

 If every little detail doesn’t quite add up today, get out your mental calculator and rework the figures. (Oh, please.  Our mental calculator?  Is an abacus.  Which is missing a number of its beads.  It generally sits next to Our mental sundial, and Our mental 8-track tape player and BetaMax™. Our mind?  Is a terrible place to get wasted.)

Solving problems, making peace and aligning incongruent elements is your specialty right now, (And here We were, probing soldiers, making peas, and…what the hell does “aligning incongruent elements” even mean?  (Also, why is “specialty” singular?  Is that all one thing?  If so, should We be probing the soldiers and making them pee?  Inquiring minds want to know…))
so have confidence in your abilities — you can fix things!  (Well, yay!  Give Us some scissors, and turn Us loose on all the cats in the neighborhood! )

 This is a blessing and a bit of a burden, too, since you need to get involved in things that normally wouldn’t interest you. (The list of things that WOULD interest Us is much, much shorter.)

Make your presence known and speak up. (Did someone not know that We were here?   Is that damn Helen Keller telling dead baby jokes again? No sooner did We take away her waffle iron than she’s emptying barrels of dead babies with a pitchfork.  (What’s more fun than a barrel of dead babies?  A barrel of dead babies with a live one on the bottom. WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!))

You should suggest a better way to get things done.  (Stick a fork in ‘em.  (Heh.  See what We did there?))

 The long hours you’ve been working are starting to pay off, and you’re recognized as the superstar you already know you are! (Recognition is for pishers….where’s Our fu(kin’ check?)

Celebrate success (Alternatively, suck celery.  (Innit weird how dirty “suck celery” sounds?  And yet, it’s not, at all.))

(Unless, of course you have a vegetable porn fetish.)

with friends at your favorite happy hour and see who takes notice. (That’d be one productive WaitStaff rehearsal, if Himself and We went to Happy Hour first.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes: )
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.