Police towed my car, police towed my car

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday,  December TwennyTurd, 2014.

Happy Belated Birthday to Adam, and to AJ, and to Betty, and to SisterCharlesAnne, and to Dan, and to Keith, each of whom turned twenty-four over the past few days.

And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Belated Birthday to Our ex-son-in-law, IceyPop, who also turned twenty-four recently, and who has, according to SitOnMyFaceBook, has been vacationing somewhere called FuckIt, Thailand.  We saw some pictures of him from said vacation (although in none of the pictures was he (unfortunately) actually Fucking It), and We were forced to marvel to Ourself that, now that he has reached the ripe old age of twenty-four, he is actually even better looking than he was when We first met him, all those years ago, when he was only twenty-four. He looks every bit as fresh, and buff, and dewy (and, by “dewy”, of course, We mean “We’d do him”)…sigh.

In other news, We are, of course, in The Hinterlands for The Holidays.  So, naturally, Our Holidailies™ have gone right to Hell.  We have discovered, additionally, that The Sainted Mother’s Internet Explorer (does anyone..still use…Internet Explorer?  (Does anyone…still wear…a hat? (Kiss Us quick, We’re Elaine Stritch))) will not display Our Blogger Who Art On Google.  Our WorldWideInterWebNetz would not help Us clear up the issue (ideas, anyone?), so We are now using Chrome, as One does.

Moving on…

Here is the e-pissode from last Christmas season that everybody seems (according to Our Google-O-Meter™)  to be revisiting all of a sudden:  http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/12/she-works-hard-for-money.html   Enjoy!

On a positive note, check out Our Best Of Holidailies™ Award  here:  

http://www.holidailies.org/entries/bestof#entry-1286 

and go to the e-ntry directly here:  

http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/12/time-passages.html .

We have leapt recently into Sagittarius, Our video for which is above.  (If We had Our finger on Our ephemeris We could tell you exactly when.  (Dirty-minded Gentle Readers with limited vocabularies just went scurrying off to Google “ephemeris” on Wikipedia.  Quests for knowledge are HAWTT.))

Here is the link with which you may share Our Sagittarius video with both of your friends:  http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y  

And here, for your further edification, is Our very first Sagittarius video:

Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001?  And that the earliest dead-tree archival records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small fee) here:http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2004/paperback/product-300894.html ? 

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.

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In celebrity birthday news, it is the birthday of somebody called Harry Judd, who is the drummer for…oh, who gives a shit?  His picture is above.

Harry Judd has nothing to do with Wynonna and that lot of Judds, but mentioning Wynonna is a perfect excuse to share the “Big Brown Beaver” song once again.  You’re welcome.

Aries

You're sick and tired of being treated like a child, except for the sexy parts where they change your dirty, filthy diapers.

Taurus

Remember: If you give in to the impulses to do whatever you want with your life, you'll become one of those happy, satisfied people you resent so much.

Gemini

You may treasure the sense of mystery you have about the future, but really, learning the days of the week won't ruin the magic.

Cancer

Travel and adventure are in your future this week as your captors continue crossing state lines to stay one step ahead of the law.

Leo

You'll wake up naked in a hotel bed between the corpses of a prostitute and a district attorney and have no memory of what happened, but presumably it's the same situation as last time.

Virgo

You'll soon experience redoubled energy, a renewed sense of purpose, and a profound rush of confidence, proving once again that cocaine cannot be trusted.

Libra

Your sneaking feeling that people are out to get you just shows how delusional you are, as you should know damn good and well that they're out to get you.

Scorpio

They say lightning never strikes twice, which doesn't explain what's been happening to you at three o'clock every Wednesday for the past three months.

Sagittarius

You always dreamed of being a human cannonball, but you had no idea that advances in artillery technology would limit your career to a very small number of appearances.

Capricorn

They'll say what you did to all those nurses was unspeakable and ugly, but you know in your heart they're all really just jealous.

Aquarius

You may have great quantities of bravado, élan, and puissance, but there's no way to be sure until you find out what those words mean.

Pisces

The stars foresee many amazing things ahead of you this week, but really, they're too good to just tell you about in advance.

     

(Who wants cake?)       

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                           

Cat scratch fever

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! For ThirstyThurrrrstonHowellTheThurrrrsday, May Thurrrrtieth, Twenty-Thurrrrteen. (Is it just Us, or do We sound exactly like Eartha Kitt’s verrrrsion of Catwoman?  (YouPeople DO auditorially hallucinate these e-pisstles as you read them, don’t you?  (Well, DON’T YOU???)))

Happy Birrrrthday (you are only pretending that you wish We would stop that) to Josh, who turns twenty-four today, somewhere in suburrrrrrbia.  We should have a drink together.  (We promise not to DRESS like Eartha Kitt’s verrrsion of Catwoman.)

Meanwhile, courtesy of everybody’s favorite WorldWideInterWebNetz, this diet tip just in:

Tip to lose weight: First turn your head to the left, then to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

You’re welcome.

In other news, you can, of course, lose weight, but Ugly is forever.  Especially if you are ugly on the inside.  Just sayin’.

(Heh…We said “but Ugly”, which made Us think of “Butt Ugly”.)

(Apparently, while Josh has turned twenty-four, We are eternally twelve.)

(Speaking of Josh, it just occurrrrrrred to Us that We have the purrrrfect pictue of Julie Newmar’s version of Catwoman to use as today’s Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Leave The Driving To Us in his honor.  You’re welcome.)

(We just give, and give, and give, don’t We?)

In other other news, you will notice the appearance above of Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: GEMINI 2013 video. We expect you will do your usual bang-up job of sharing it with all of your friends using this link: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js , because you care about Us like that.

For those who enjoy history, here is Our Gemini 2011 video, which was Our very first one:

Also, get your tickets NOW for the WaitStaff’s upcoming Spring Into Summer Match Game, this Friday and Saturday, May 31 and June 1, at 7:30 at L’Etage.  More info here:  https://www.facebook.com/events/422346354528494/  We are foregoing Our murder mystery paycheck for this, so (A.)  come see it now because (2.) that won’t be happening again anytime soon.

Speaking of the WaitStaff, they will be holding auditions for a woman to join in their Fringe shennanigantics.  Let Us know if you are interested, and We shall hook you up.  Because We’re connected like that.

And now the HorrorScopes:

In celebrity birthdays today, it is Wynnona Judd’s birthday, and the picture on the website that tells US so makes her look rode hard and put away wet.  Which is all the excuse We need to share the “Wynnona’s Big Brown Beaver”  song:

Also, it is Stepin Fetchit’s birthday, a fact We point out only because, heretofore, We thought that was the CHARACTER’S name, not the performer’s.  Also also, it is Bob Evans’s birthday.  You know, the sausage guy.

Now is not a great time for conflict, (Oh, yes it is.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

so try to surround yourself with folks who think like you.  (And what funny farm are We gonna find THEM on?)

Of course, at some point in the near future, you need to challenge your beliefs, (We don’t believe you.)

but that has to wait.  (Doesn’t waiting for your waiter seem somehow inefficient?)

You’ve been focused on where you are going, (Well, sure.  Because if you focus on where you’ve been, you’ll bump into a lot of shit.)

(Confucius ain’t got nothin’ on Us.  (Except he could probably get Chinese food without waiting for delivery.))

(“If you focus on where you’ve been, you’ll bump into a lot of shit.”  If only We knew how to needlepoint…)

which is smart — but today it’s time to get back to the present (Wait…there are presents?)

and start living in the moment. (Oh, see, now.  Here, We thought you were saying, “start living in the muumuu”.)

Keeping your gaze fixed so far into the future has created (A lot of drooling, and the general sense that We don’t know what the fuck is going on?)

some distance between you and someone who cares a lot about you  (Okay, or that.)

— it’s time for you to get back in touch with them. (And We would, except for that pesky restraining order.)

Don’t just think about tomorrow, (Actually, it’s “don’t STOP thinking about tomorrow”.  And We’re SURE, because We just looked it up.  Who are We gonna listen to, Kelli The AssHat or Fleetwood Mac, complete with Stevie Nicks?  (Don’t even bother answering that.  It’s rhetorical.  (Much like “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn” is RhettButlorical.)))

or you will totally miss out on today.  (Which, unless Josh is sharing his cake, appears to be pretty much a write-off.)

Join up!  (Uncle Sam wants shoes.)

Any group united by a common cause is an avenue toward good fun (So there’s fun that ISN’T good, then?)

 — and it may provide new romantic opportunities in a relaxed setting that’s great for meeting the right people.  (Yeah, whatever.  We are now busy pondering Our new religious movement, WWJND?  (What Would Julie Newmar Do?))

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.