Or were you just being kind?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay,  November Fivest, 2014.

In what appears to be the only Happy Post-Erection Day news, Olga Korbut will no longer be governor of Pennsyltucky.

American politics are weird.

Happy Birthday, meanwhile to Aubrey, who turns twenty-four today.  In Colorado.  (Is anyone else now imagining getting high and fashioning a birthday cake out of Doritos™ and bean dip?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

Happy Birthday also to Kevin, who also turns twenty-four today.  Kevin, SitOnOurFaceBook informs Us, lives in Media.  Honey, it’s The Digital Age…We ALL live in Media.

Happy Birthday also too to Rachel, who also too turns twenty-four today, right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

In other news, maybe it’s just Us, but NO ONE at Our Target looks anything remotely like #alexfromtarget  . Not the employees, not the customers, not the homeless people who live out front.  (On the other hand, We can WALK to Target from OurHouseWhereWeLive. You are jealous of Us, we know.  Jell-USSSS.)

In completely unrelated news, here’s a little ditty by Stephen Sondheim, sung by Jeremy Jordan.  It is completely safe for the workplace, assuming, of course, that bursting into tears is acceptable in your workplace.  (But then, it’s a workplace…how could bursting into tears NOT be acceptable?)  This video is actually an example of an extremely rare genre entitled “Heterosexual Men Doing Musical Theatre”. We’re going to send it out to all the heterosexual men We know who do musical theatre.  Both of whom are very nice.  (You know who you are.):

Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!: the WorldWideInterWebNetz’s only official source for “Elih Tani naked” and “Elih Tani’s penis”.  (If you have no idea what We’re talking about (lord knows, We don’t), please see here:

http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/10/go-ask-alice-when-shes-ten-feet-tall.html 

and/or here:

http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/10/im-muscle-fa-an.html )

Meanwhile, We have leapt feet first, nipples-to-the-wind and tits akimbo, Jonathan Lipnicki’s penis (ooops) into Scorpio, and Our Scorpio video is above. Here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends:

  http://youtu.be/UiJLA4MRNNg?list=UUtq4ffsQ_xGu4T5NSA2HfaQ

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.

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In celebrity birthday news, confusingly, singers Bryan Adams and Ryan Adams were both born today. We, however, are not as confused as some of you, because We have no clue who Ryan Adams even is.

Meanwhile, Natalie Schafer, who played Lovey Howell on Gilligan’s Island, would be a hundred and fourteen years old today.  If she weren’t (subjunctively), ya know, dead.

Also, in sad quasi-celebrity birthday news, Happy Birthday to Kevin Jonas, the oldest, least attractive, and least successful of The Jonas Brothers.  The Jonas Brothers being, of course, no longer a thing.  Joe Jonas was a thing for a minute, and Nick Jonas looks like he’s gonna be a thing for quite a little while now, but Kevin…enjoy that cake, Bro.

Step right up and volunteer for service today — you can tell that you’ve got what it takes to make a real difference. (Oddly enough, just one week ago today, AssHatt Kelli’s opening sentence was as follows:

Self-confidence may be in unusually short supply today, (Nervous is why…there’s new Soft-and-Dri™.)

but you can still make a real difference.  (A real difference?  As opposed to an imaginary difference?  Is an imaginary difference actually a thing, or is it just a longer way of saying the same?)

Does no one proofread/edit this crap?)

 It’s a good time to show others exactly what you are capable of and lead the way.  (Will everyone here kindly step to the rear and let a wiener lead the way?)

The encouragement you’ve been waiting for arrives — although you’ll have to find it. (Words have meanings, AssHatt…if it has “arrived”, it’s HERE, and, thus, FOUND.  Jeebus.)

Relax, though (That’s what Frankie said.)

 — if you can’t quite connect with it today, you will get another chance when you are ready.  (Mmm-hmmm.  Because The Universe is just chock full of second chances.)

People are looking out for you and are waiting to give you a leg up if you need it. (A leg up where?  (That’s gonna HURT.))

You are in many people’s hearts, and today you may really start to understand how deep.  (Hey, We didn’t buy this chainsaw for nothing.)

Group activities will encourage some exploration. (Did that sound dirty to you?  Because it sure sounded dirty to Us.)

Be a team player and give new challenges the old college try!  (Twenty-three skidoo!  (What the fuck is she talking about?))

The hotties will be out in full force (Jeremy Jordan?  Nick Jonas?  Elih Tani?  Alex from Target?  Be SPECIFIC, Bee-Yotch!)

— don’t be surprised if you run into that neighbor of interest. (You have clearly never been to Our neighborhood.)

Now’s the time to chat it up. (“It”?  Honey, if We can’t tell “its” gender, We ain’t chatting “it” up.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-klahoma

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThirdsDay, May 16, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Jon, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Happy Birthday also to Davy, who also turns twenty-four today, also right  here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Also Happy Birthday also to Greg, who also also lhasa apso turns twenty-four today, also also lhasa apso right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.

Who let the dogs in?

(Greg is actually turning twenty-four in somewhere called “Morrisville”, but since We’ve never heard of such a place, and since, when We Googled it on Wikipedia, the first reference referred to it as “a quaint little burrow…er, borough”, We have decided that it’s all Fluffya to Us.)

Yesterday, you will recall, We gave away an entire Fringe show concept, because We’re magnanimous and altruistic like that (We’ll pause here to give those of you who may have missed yesterday’s e-pissode a chance to scurry on back and snatch it up: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/05/hey-its-me-i-rode-short-bus.html (Heh...We said “snatch”.  (Chicks who fuck with geese better scurry, lest We learn that their snatches are furry…(Kiss Us quick, We’re Roy Rogers and Dale Hammerstein.))))

What the hell were We talking about?  Oh, yeah…yesterday, We gave away an entire Fringe show concept. Today, We have substantially less to give away.  Just a new catch phrase, derived from the well-known “Johnny-on-the-spot”.  It leapt unbidden into Our head earlier, and We can think of nothing to do with it Our Own Self, so here it is, up for grabs, for YouPeople to take its balls and run with them: “Johnny-on-the-twat”.

In more high-brow news, last night We watched Barbra Streisand and Seth Rogen in The Guilt Trip. Which, while certainly enjoyable, was not nearly as funny as We had hoped it would be.  They do play off of each other beautifully, but, when We were not pondering The Work Miss Streisand Has Had Done, We couldn’t help but thinking that they’d already made this movie. With Debbie Reynolds and Albert Brooks.  We can’t remember what it was called, and We can’t be arsed to look it up, but tell Us in the comments below if you remember this fillum…

Speaking of box where a snatch oughta be (We cannot believe no one has commented on that yet):

http://youtu.be/iGNw4zF7MSs

And now the HorrorScopes:

It is a veritable grab-bag of celebrity birthdays today, what with Liberace, Olga Korbut, Tori Spelling, and Janet Jackson’s left nipple all having been born on the same day.  This had BETTER mean cake.

Your active mind is driving you in a bold new direction (Is it driving Us in a surrey with the Fringe on top?  Chinks and dykes and gooks better scurry…)

— and you think you may like it a lot!  (Ya know what We like a lot?  We have an extra day of murder this week.  Tonight.  For thirty-eight “middle schoolers”.  What the fuck is a “middle schooler”?  How old is that, twelve?  Jeebus Cripes.)

See if you can push yourself along in this new fashion for a while longer before taking stock.   (Mercifully, there are only thirty-eight of the little fuckers.  The last chirrens show that happened (the one We cleverly avoided, on Our very birthday, no less) there were something like a hundred and seventy-elebben.)

 Your social life is starting to generate some real heat!  (Well, sure, ever since We figgered out how to rub two Boy Scouts together to start a fire.)

Make sure that while you are booking all those upcoming events in your calendar that you keep things diverse  (Also, perverse.)

— save as much time for cultural events as you save for shopping, checking out a new hot spot, or any other kind of social endeavor.   (We’re sorry, but “endeavor” doesn’t sound like any kind of a good time.)

You need to keep feeding your mind during your free time — it can’t all be about instant gratification.  (Minute™ Rice takes too long.)

Museums, galleries, lectures, and even quiet reading time are important, too.  Entertaining “middle schoolers”, not so much.)

Drop it (Drop it like it’s snot.)

if you’re worried about the competition — no one’s got anything on you right now.  (Trust Us, We know.)

If that hottie seems uninterested in your game, that just means they’re not playing at the same level. (Or possibly they’re in an entirely different surrey.  Without any Fringe on top.  A bald surrey, if you will.  A surrey with a Brazilian on top.  You know Brazil:  where the waxed nuts come from.  (EEEEEEE-YOWWWWWW!!!!))

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

You don’t know you’re beautiful, that’s what makes you beautiful

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for JustAnotherManischewitz™Monday, November 12, 2012.  Happy Belated Birthday to OurMizCathy, who turned twenty-four yesterday.  Also, Happy Birthday to Our American Some-Sort-Of-Cousin-Several-Times-Removed, Ethan, who turns not EVEN twenty-four today. Also also, Happy Birthday to The Lovely Liz, who also also turns twenty-four today.

ERRATUM: It is with Our humblest apologies that We must report a most egregious error which occurred in Friday’s e-pissode of Erix Daily Horoscope.   It would appear that Friday was Eric Dane’s birthday, which We reported accurately, except that, by the end of the e-pissode, he had somehow turned into Eric Bana.  It seems that We cannot tell Our Erics one from the other, as though they were a lot of Chinamen or something.  We are fairly certain, however, that between Eric Dane and Eric Bana, One would assuredly NOT be hungry again half an hour later.

At any rate, Our sincerest apologies to Messieurs Eric and Eric.  Please accept a free month’s subscription to Erix Daily Horoscope with Our compliments.  (We’ll give you a second free month if you let Us imagine you as MASSEURS Eric and Eric. (That there was a little Frawnch wordplay.  Which is doubly funny to a few of Us, for reasons which will become clear to the rest of you later this month.))

(Why are We suddenly channeling that Monty Python sketch with “my pet fish, Eric”? )

In other news, We finally got one of the chirren from the student fillum We shot (in August) to give Us an ETA date. January, sez he.  Seriously?  Yes, it was a Civil War fillum, but it was NOT Gone With The Fucking Wind.

(Meanwhile, We would pretty much pay good money to watch a fillum entitled Gone With The Fucking Wind.)

In other other news, We spent yesterday filming (We tried that first as “filluming”, but that sounds like an entirely different activity) a new e-dition of Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscopes.  We cannot wait for you to see it!  (Although We shall have to, as Sagittarius doesn’t begin for well over a week.)  We truly do have the most brilliant friends.  As We remarked yesterday, We actually hang out with people who know the word “oeuvre”, and know how to use it.  If We weren’t (subjunctively) so old that all of Our panties say “Ye Olde Tuesday” in Middle English, We would be dangerously close to hipsterdom.

Dippity-due to said filming (dippity-didn’t see THAT coming, dippity-didja?), this would seem to be about the umple-ty-teenth week in a row that We have not read Our Sunday paper on Sunday.  Which more or less trashes its ability to be a “news”paper.  It would be nice if they would let Us buy only the sections We actually want.  Sports?  Not so much.  Does anyone wactually read an entire section on Cars every week?  And when’s the last time any of those stupid Sunday comics were actually funn y?  1974?  We could pretty much get by with Arts & Entertainment, the coupons, and the New York Times Sunday crossword puzzle.  The whole business should cost about seventeen cents.

Sigh.  If We ruled the world…

(Hey, you kids…get off Our lawn!)

*************************************************************************************

Here is the link with which you would share Our Time of the Month Horoscop: Scorpio video with your friends, if you were (subjunctively) so inclined.  Like the plane. http://youtu.be/UiJLA4MRNNg .  Enjoy!

Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Scorpio video to compare with this year’s (see above):

Here’s the HorrorScope:

(We would point out that it is Nadia Comaneci’s birthday, but she is no Olga Korbut, ladies and gentlemen.  (That joke was for Sara.  (Hi, Sara!)))

Now is the best time for you get started in a new direction (Could We get started in One Direction?  There’re five of ‘em, aren’t there?  One for each weekday, and all together for the weekend.)

(For Our Olde Readers, One Direction is a British boi band.  With British bois in it.  Bad dentistry, foreskins…what’s not to love?)

— especially one that involves contracts or other legal paperwork. (Do We run ColbyCo now?  Yay, Us!)

You are better suited to understanding details and relationships.  (Wow.  That was ten of the most boring sentences ever, all rolled into one.)

 It is never too late to get started on a different path in life. (Well, technically, it is, if you’re, ya know, DEAD.  Because words, Kelli?  Have MEANINGS.  AssHat.)

If there’s something that interests you (There isn’t.)

— a new hobby, a new career, or a new weight goal (You mean We could weigh EVEN MORE?!?)

— you should pursue it. (pursue (v.t.): to put into One’s purse.)

Don’t let your age, (ExSQUEEZE Us?)

income, (Our what?)

or current status in life restrict you. (Are there statuses (stati?) other than quo?  Is there such a thing as status interruptus?  If Latin is a dead language, should We give it mouth-to-mouth?)

(It is pondering things like these that makes it impossible to keep Our toilet bowl clean between scrubbings.)

Every day offers a new opportunity, (And its knockers.)

a new set of choices to make — and this day is no different. (Than what?)

You’re comfortable with your dating arrangements, but are you really satisfied? (Well, they DO take an awfully long time to inflate.)

Take a long, hard look at the situation. (We did not watch that show.  So We just Googled him on Wikipedia.  Where’s the mental floss?)

Rearrange the facts (Whaddaya think We are, a Republicant?)

when it comes to your romantic patterns and you might just have a fresh insight. (Now that We re-read it, is it just Us, or does that last sentence sound like the tagline from a commercial for feminine hygiene spray?)

                           

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.