Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThirdsDay, May 16, 2013. Happy Birthday to Jon, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Happy Birthday also to Davy, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Also Happy Birthday also to Greg, who also also lhasa apso turns twenty-four today, also also lhasa apso right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.
Who let the dogs in?
(Greg is actually turning twenty-four in somewhere called “Morrisville”, but since We’ve never heard of such a place, and since, when We Googled it on Wikipedia, the first reference referred to it as “a quaint little burrow…er, borough”, We have decided that it’s all Fluffya to Us.)
Yesterday, you will recall, We gave away an entire Fringe show concept, because We’re magnanimous and altruistic like that (We’ll pause here to give those of you who may have missed yesterday’s e-pissode a chance to scurry on back and snatch it up: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/05/hey-its-me-i-rode-short-bus.html (Heh...We said “snatch”. (Chicks who fuck with geese better scurry, lest We learn that their snatches are furry…(Kiss Us quick, We’re Roy Rogers and Dale Hammerstein.))))
What the hell were We talking about? Oh, yeah…yesterday, We gave away an entire Fringe show concept. Today, We have substantially less to give away. Just a new catch phrase, derived from the well-known “Johnny-on-the-spot”. It leapt unbidden into Our head earlier, and We can think of nothing to do with it Our Own Self, so here it is, up for grabs, for YouPeople to take its balls and run with them: “Johnny-on-the-twat”.
In more high-brow news, last night We watched Barbra Streisand and Seth Rogen in The Guilt Trip. Which, while certainly enjoyable, was not nearly as funny as We had hoped it would be. They do play off of each other beautifully, but, when We were not pondering The Work Miss Streisand Has Had Done, We couldn’t help but thinking that they’d already made this movie. With Debbie Reynolds and Albert Brooks. We can’t remember what it was called, and We can’t be arsed to look it up, but tell Us in the comments below if you remember this fillum…
Speaking of box where a snatch oughta be (We cannot believe no one has commented on that yet):
And now the HorrorScopes:
It is a veritable grab-bag of celebrity birthdays today, what with Liberace, Olga Korbut, Tori Spelling, and Janet Jackson’s left nipple all having been born on the same day. This had BETTER mean cake.
Your active mind is driving you in a bold new direction (Is it driving Us in a surrey with the Fringe on top? Chinks and dykes and gooks better scurry…)
— and you think you may like it a lot! (Ya know what We like a lot? We have an extra day of murder this week. Tonight. For thirty-eight “middle schoolers”. What the fuck is a “middle schooler”? How old is that, twelve? Jeebus Cripes.)
See if you can push yourself along in this new fashion for a while longer before taking stock. (Mercifully, there are only thirty-eight of the little fuckers. The last chirrens show that happened (the one We cleverly avoided, on Our very birthday, no less) there were something like a hundred and seventy-elebben.)
Your social life is starting to generate some real heat! (Well, sure, ever since We figgered out how to rub two Boy Scouts together to start a fire.)
Make sure that while you are booking all those upcoming events in your calendar that you keep things diverse (Also, perverse.)
— save as much time for cultural events as you save for shopping, checking out a new hot spot, or any other kind of social endeavor. (We’re sorry, but “endeavor” doesn’t sound like any kind of a good time.)
You need to keep feeding your mind during your free time — it can’t all be about instant gratification. (Minute™ Rice takes too long.)
Museums, galleries, lectures, and even quiet reading time are important, too. Entertaining “middle schoolers”, not so much.)
Drop it (Drop it like it’s snot.)
if you’re worried about the competition — no one’s got anything on you right now. (Trust Us, We know.)
If that hottie seems uninterested in your game, that just means they’re not playing at the same level. (Or possibly they’re in an entirely different surrey. Without any Fringe on top. A bald surrey, if you will. A surrey with a Brazilian on top. You know Brazil: where the waxed nuts come from. (EEEEEEE-YOWWWWWW!!!!))
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.