Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! For WinesDay, May 29st, 2013. Happy Birthday to Michael, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. Happy Birthday also to Gregory, who also turns twenty-four today, also (to the best of Our knowledge) in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Gregory is the cousin of Our second-cousin-in-law, which means, as near as We can tell, that he is no relation to Us whatsoever.
(If you have difficulty telling your inlaws from your outlaws, and deciding which of your relatives should be removed, here is a handy dandy little chart you may find useful: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Table_of_Consanguinity_showing_degrees_of_relationship.png You’re welcome.)
We are fairly certain that, in Our account of Our weekend in yesterday’s e-pissode, We neglected to mention that We had purchased a Christmas gift. Don’t hate Us because We’re beautiful; hate Us because half of Our Christmas shopping is done.
In other other news, you will notice the appearance above of Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: GEMINI 2013 video. We expect you will do your usual bang-up job of sharing it with all of your friends using this link: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js , because you care about Us like that.
For those who enjoy history, here is Our Gemini 2011 video, which was Our very first one:
Also, get your tickets NOW for the WaitStaff’s upcoming Spring Into Summer Match Game, this Friday and Saturday, May 31 and June 1, at 7:30 at L’Etage. More info here: https://www.facebook.com/events/422346354528494/ We are foregoing Our murder mystery paycheck for this, so (A.) come see it now because (2.) that won’t be happening again anytime soon.
And now the HorrorScopes:
How odd that We were just speaking of Mrs. Garrett, Blair, Tootie, and that lot yesterday, and today is Lisa Whelchel’s birthday. It is also John F. Kennedy’s birthday, a fact which is newsworthy because We just heard that Rob Lowe will be playing him in a fillum. We, of course, have not yet even seen Mr. Lowe’s appearance in the Liberace biopic yet, as YouPeople never invite Us anywhere, and We do not have HBO. Which means, also, that We have missed the most recent cinematic update on Matt Damon’s ass. How We continue to live on the planet is a mystery to Us.
You have to be the brains of the organization today (Fine, as long as We get to have a long (heh) chat with whoever is being the penis of the organization today.)
— even if that role makes you somewhat uncomfortable. (Are you kidding? Being the brains of the organization? Child’s play! Try being the uvula of the organization. Or, even worse, the frenulum of the organization. Now THAT’S acting. (Although Matt Damon’s ass could probably do it.))
You can at least help people get organized so you can collectively tackle the big issues you face. (Wait…We’re already being the brains of the organization…somebody else is gonna have to be the face. (Anatomy is complexicated…is one person gonna play both balls of the organization, or will that be two people? And will the scrotum of the organization be somebody different entirely?)
(We are so confused.)
You cannot be the leader all the time, (A mere two sentences ago, you told Us We had to be the brains of the organization. Make up your asshatted mind, you asshatic asshat.)
and it is important for you to learn how to step back and hand control over (Oh, lord, the hands of the organization…one people? Two people? Separate people for the fingers? The palms? ‘Tis a slippery slope, this.)
to someone else when the situation requires it. (Not to mention when the situation COMEDY requires it. (No, seriously…don’t mention it.))
Today, make sure that you know when to toss in your ideas and when to bite your tongue (STOP NAMING BODY PARTS! Jeebus!)
— there are delicate yet powerful egos involved, (Leggo Our ego.)
and you wouldn’t want to tick any one of them off! (We might wanna PISS ‘em off, though, and We will, as soon as We figger out which one of YouPeople is the penis of the organization.)
(We just mistyped “penis” as “pensi”. Micro$oft Weird™ naturally marked it as misspelled, but did not offer “penis” as a suggested correction. That, to Us, pretty much sums up everything that’s wrong with Micro$oft Weird™. (Like your scrotum, there it is in a nutshell.))
Don’t get hung up on titles (Get hung up, instead, on titties…one people or two? A different people (or two different peoples) for the nipples?)
— it could be holding you back. (STOP THAT!)
Though you are totally individual, (Also indefatigably indivisible. (As well as magically delicious.))
(What was the question?)
you’ve got a crazy knack for tracking down like-minded folks right now. (Like-minded folks being, of course, different from as-minded folks, but not necessarily different from ass-minded folks. (Especially Matt Damon’s ass-minded folks. (See how We brought that all full-circle? (We are A Highly-Trained Professional…do not attempt this at home.))))
The sparks fly (As the Spanx™ fly off?)
as powerful personalities come together and create all kinds of new trouble. (Or that.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.