Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, May 24, 2013. Yes, ladies and genitals, it is MAY TWENNY-FORF, and We have just had to close Our kitchen window because We got cold. What the mother-fucking fuckety-fuck?
Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Jose, who turns twenty-four today. Also, Happy Birthday to Charlene, who also turns twenty-four today. And last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Bill, who apparently turns twenty-four every day this week.
In other news, it has come (heh) to Our attention that Hanson (you remember Hanson, yes? Isaac, Taylor, and Zac? The Jonas Brothers from the 90s?) are producing their own beer. (The youngest one is now 27, so they can legally drink and everything.) The beer is called Mmmhops™, and, because that totally sounds like something We would just make up, here is a reference to prove that We didn’t: http://twentytwowords.com/2013/05/24/hanson-yes-as-in-hanson-the-boy-band-has-their-own-beer-now/
Meanwhile, in a totally different sector of the WorldWideInterWebNetz, We were involved in a discussion about vajazzling, when it occurred to Us that The Vajazzler would have been an excellent villain on the 60s Batman TV series. Because We’re twisted like that. And because men in tights are hot. Especially when they carry weapons that shoot rhinestones.
We are, you may have noticed, not forthcoming with the e-ditorial We mentioned having up Our sleeve yesterday. Mainly because it would require actual writing, and the formation of coherent sentences, for which (A.) We shot Our wad earlier in the week, and (2.) We cannot be arsed on a day in which clearly Our loftiest ambitchion is to go back to bed. Perhaps Monday, same bat-time, same bat-channel.
In other other news, you will notice the appearance above of Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: GEMINI 2013 video. We expect you will do your usual bang-up job of sharing it with all of your friends using this link: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js , because you care about Us like that.
For those who enjoy history, here is Our Gemini 2011 video, which was Our very first one:
And now the HorrorScopes:
In celebrity birthdays, today is Queen Victoria’s, not to mention Priscilla Presley’s. Also, it is the birthday of some country singer of whom We had never heard until just now, whose name is Billy Gilman, and who desperately needs an orthodontist.
Your aggressive tendencies (What the fuck are you talking about? You shut your mouth before We shut it for you! We will punch you right in the cootch!)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
are making life really weird (Not as weird as Billy Gilman’s teeth.)
— mostly for you! (Meanwhile, how many of YouPeople are reading this with one eye, while mentally designing a costume for The Vajazzler?)
(Y’all are so gay.)
If you can find a way to ratchet it back a bit, (Honey, We only gonna “ratchet” if you rhyme it with “sashay”.)
you should find that you come a lot closer to achieving your goals. (You DO realize that “coming closer to achieving your goals” is not the same thing as “achieving your goals”, don’t you?)
Feeling a little bit bored with your social life lately? (Wait…when did We get a social life?)
To get a sense of renewal in your life right now, you should let other people take charge of things. (Wait…when did We get things?)
Let them organize the get-togethers and the parties for the next few weeks. (Generally, they already do. Of course, they never invite Us…)
Sure, you love to get people together, (Although never, apparently, with Us Our Own Self Personally.)
but why not give someone else a chance to take the lead? (We tried that earlier in the week. It didn’t work out.)
By always being the ringleader, you’re never getting a taste of anything new! (On the other hand, if you’re not the lead dog, the view never changes.)
Keep things fresh in your life by handing over the reins. (Alternatively, stick some Summer’s Eve™ in a seltzer bottle…shit’ll get fresh quick fast and in a hurry.)
Open your mind and get ready to try some new things. (We opened Our mind once. Everything fell out. We never did find it all again. Sigh.)
For better or worse, your love life isn’t a cheesy sitcom: (Of course not. It’s Waiting for Godot.)
(That there was a litter-hairy theatre joke. Because We’re cultured like that. We’re so cultured that Jamie Lee Curtis calls Us when she needs to poop.)
There’s no soundtrack and no pat formulaic ending. (Who the hell is Pat Formulaic, and what is he (or she) doing in Our Cheesy Sitcom?)
Instead, the situation is much more real, touching and, yes, complicated than that. (Well. Innat just a fuckin’ Hallmark™ card?)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.