I’d be surprisingly good for you

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMannequinTwoOnTheMoveStarringNeitherAndrewMcCarthyNorKimCattrallMonday, December 16^st, 2013.

So the biggest problem with writing DAILY e-pissodes of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! (other than actually remembering to post them to http://www.holidailies.org ) is that, come Monday’s e-pissode We are not all rested and refreshed with an entire weekend of shenanigantics to report upon.

Sigh.  First-World Narcissists’ Problems.

Meanwhile, “report upon a Port-A-Potty” leapt unbidden into what passes for Our mind when We typed “report upon” earlier.  This, presumably, would be why Our career as a rap artist never took off.

(You’re picturing Us rapping now, aren’t you?  Serves you right.)

To return to Our point, Happy Birthday to Holly, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Also, Happy Birthday to Rebecca, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

(The fact that this city has two names should not lead you to confuse it with The City So Nice They Named It Twice.  (Mainly because there is no city We can think of that is called “Twice”.  (Also, how do you solve a problem like they call the wind Maria?))

Also, Happy Birthday to Dylan, who also turns twenty-our today, and also to Nick, who, in a quadrangle of co-inky-dink, ALSO turns twenty-four today.   Both Dylan and Nick turn twenty-four today out on The Left Coast, in California.  Albeit in parts of California of which We have never heard.  Which they are clearly doing just to torment Us, with Our poorly-tuned sense of geography.

So, New Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  Rule:  if you are turning twenty-four in some geographic location of which We have never heard, We shall decide where you actually live.  For example, We hereby decree that both Dylan and Nick, while they still live in California, actually live in WeHo.  On the Sunset Strip.  Where they are strippers.  And Siamese twins.  Which means that, while they can wear perfectly normal pasties, their G-strings, of which they can only wear one at a time (their conjoinment is most unfortunate) are hand-crafted by the same designer who builds Johnny Depp’s codpieces when he’s in Tim Burton fillums.

(Is Johnny Depp ever NOT in Tim Burton fillums?  Also, does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost over night fever, night fever?)

We have no idea.  Just go with it.

At any rate, Happy Birthday To All, And To All A Good Night And Thank You Magaldi.

In other other news, who has opposable thumbs and will be performing not once, but TWICE in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices Festival in January?  That’s right, ladies and genitals, this Foul-mouthed, All-knowing Goddess!

That’s right, mark your calendars for Sunday, January 12 at 8PM and Friday, January 17 at 8PM, in Beautiful Downtown Norristown for the triumphant return of LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour!

Check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/259746334150716/ (FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the logo.)), and keep your eyes glued…GLUED, goddammit…to this space for further developments (We don’t even think tickets are available yet, but you, Gentle Readers, will be the first to know when they are, so you can snatch (heh) them up.)

This will not, as you may have guessed, be the only reminder you will receive of this upcoming event.  Stay tuned also for other appearances in the Greater Philadelphia Area and up and down the Eastern Seaboard.  Because Starzina is nothing if not peripatetic.  (Also poetic and chic.)

In still other other other news We are once again sharing with you Our very most favoritest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope  video (Sagittarius) with you (see above).  Here is the link with which you may share it with others: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y  You’re welcome.

And now, here’s the HorrorScope:

This is not a good day for intense or heavy business, (Was that a fat joke?)

but you should at least try to get on with your regular chores or errands. (But whoever will tend to Our IRRegular chores and errands?)

In fact, you can get quite a lot done by focusing on the superficial!  (GREAT!  Because We are NOTHING if not superficial.)

Still chatting away? (Also, slip sliding away.)

Dashing (Through the snow in a one-whore open-toed come-fuck-Us pump?)

(Ooops…sorry.)

around and having fun? (Or that.)

Bet you are. (Bet you are report upon a Port-A-Potty™ at Peppermint Patty’s pity party…)

(The rap world is SO not ready for Us…)

The good news is that it’s officially time to play. (Tcha, right.  People who KNOW how to play don’t WAIT for permission.  Or persimmons.  One of those.)

(Sometimes We worry that, if We had a stroke, no one would be able to tell.)

Now you can do it with a clear conscience. (Also, you can leave your hat on.)

Get yourself dressed, (How did you know We were naked???  OhMiGod, the calls are coming from inside the house!!!!)

get out there and enjoy the company of dear ones you haven’t seen in far too long.  (See, you thought the line break would prevent Us from seeing “far too long” as “fart oolong”, but not for all the tea in China, OolongFartBreath.)

With the heavens as full as they are of spontaneous, impetuous energies,  (We thought We smelled something.)

you’d better not take the night off. (What about the nightie?)

What if you missed something? (How would We know?)

The right words are coming easily to you now. (Aspidistra.  Melancholia.  Fluffer-Nutter™.)

Make the most of this great energy by chatting up someone you’ve been watching from afar.  (Okay, who’s got Johnny Depp’s phone number?  (What, you thought We were able to forget the image of “Johnny Depp’s codpieces” from earlier?))

Start off with random small talk (Aspidistra.  Melancholia.  Fluffer-Nutter™.)

and see how far you get.  (All the way to WeHo, Bay-Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday’s Eve, November 29, 2012.  Friday’s Eve is, of course, not unlike Summer’s Eve™, except for the douche part.  (We have no idea what that means, but it enabled Us to say “douche” in the very first paragraph, thereby ensuring that this will be a first-class e-pissode.)

So how weird is it that Thanksgiving was a week ago, yet it is still November? This is because Thanksgiving this year was on the earliest date that it can be, thereby giving everyone an entire extra week to prepare for HannuChristmaKwaanzica.  We Our Own Self Personally have been busy like a busy busy beaver bee trying to sort out Our social calendar for December, so if you think you need to be on there somewhere, speak now or forever hold your penis.

“Douche” in the first paragraph, “penis” in the second…this e-pissode just gets betterer and betterer.  Also, meta-er and meta-er.

Speaking of the holidays, we were doing some online shopping yesterday, when a glitch in the process necessitated Our contacting customer service via chat.  The rep with whom We chatted subsequently sent Us an email, in which his last name was spelled differently than it was in the chat room.  We are guessing that the recipient of this particular Christmas gift is, as they say, Shit Out Of Luck.

Meanwhile, We continue to get a crazy quantity of daily hits on here, many of which are legitimate, but many more of which are in search of that  e-pissode with the “fat man” picture.  Some of them actually search for it as “really fat man”.  One can only imagine who these people are.  One can completely NOT imagine the people searching for “people who talk trash in Douglas GA” or “cartoon pictures of egestion”.  (We are not making this shit up…Our Google-O-Meter™ tells Us these things.)

This just in from Helen Keller on Twitter:

 

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

Just finished reading a roll of Bounty paper towel. Looking for a new book, suggestions?

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

I bet my parents never even sang me happy birthday... assholes.

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

Becoming a school bus driver, YOLO.

You cannot possibly have missed the fact that We have a brand spanking (heh) new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope  video, which you can see above.  It is somewhat of a departure for Us, and the reviews so far have all been raves, many people referring to it as Our “best video ever”.  Please do give it a whirl and see what all the fuss is about.

Also, if each of you who is reading this right now used the following link to share said video with a friend:

http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y   …two more whole people would have seen it by the end of the day!

Alternatively, if each of you who is nakedly skimming this right now shared it, Starzina would rule the known universe.  (After you do that, please sext Us a picture of yourself counting to twenty-one.  KThxBye.)

(Apropos of nothing and completely randomly, here is last year’s Sagittarius video for your comparing pleasure:

)

We just had occasion to peruse an old e-pisstle, in which We invented the drag name Meretricious Calumny.  How it is that We are not famous yet, We’ll never know.

And here’s the HorrorScope:

It is Andrew McCarthy’s birthday.  He was Our favorite Brat Pack member.  While the rest of all y’all were crushing on Rob Lowe and Judd Nelson, We were all about Andrew McCarthy and Timothy Hutton. ‘Cause We’re weird like that.

Your social energy is fun and flirty (Also foreign and farty.  In keeping with the Frawnch theme in here this week.  Farting Foie Gras…A Love Story.)

(The more We talk, the less We have any goddamn idea what We’re talking about.  It’s kind of miraculous, actually.)

— and you may surprise (SURPRISE!!!)

someone who thought they had you pegged!  (You are using this word, “pegged”…We do not think it means what you think it means.)

Now is a great time to hang out with your crush or a new romantic partner.  (Lovely.  Who’s got Andrew McCarthy’s phone number?)

If your finances are getting a bit tight, your creativity can come to the rescue!  (Watch Us do Our “loaves and fishes” trick with these two nickels!)

Instead of falling back to your old, expensive ideas for how to socialize, why not get a little crafty? (Watch Us tat a doily!)

Skip the pricey dinner out and instead host a themed potluck dinner for all your friends. (Watch Us entertain frequently, yet be infrequently entertained!)

Pick a type of cuisine, (Ethiopian.)

 a type of food (Haggis.)

or even a certain color (Puce.)

for everyone to create a dish around. (Hey, We said foreign and farty.)

 It will definitely be a change of pace (Puce.)

for everyone, and they’ll all appreciate a cheaper way to hang out.  (Haggis.)

 Watch out for the romantic roadblock ahead! (Ethiopian!)

(Is it just Us, or did this all of a sudden turn into a really weird version of The Cell-Block Tango?)

(The musical theatre queens are all hysterical right now.  The str8 bois are all scratching their heads.  (Count to twenty-one.  Sext Us a picture.))

It’s there for a good reason — perhaps a steep drop (Or a deep strop.  Or Deepak Chopra.)

(We have no idea.)

or some other danger lies ahead. (Is it stranger danger?  Can you show Us on the blow-up doll where Andrew McCarthy touched you?)

Try a detour!  (A tour or DE tour?  Make up your mind!)

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.