Roll me in designer sheets, I'll never get enough

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMadgeTheManicuristMonday, July 1th, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Gina, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in New Jersey. Also, Happy Birthday to Amos, who also turns twenty-four today, somewhere in MassACHOOsetts.  Additionally, Happy Berated Birthday to John, who had a birthday this past weekend, also somewhere in New Jersey (We don’t seem to know anyone who lives in Old Jersey), but who didn’t quite turn twenty-four on it, and also to Lesley, who DID turn twenty-four this weekend, right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles, thereby not taxing Our madd geographical skillz any further, so thank you, Lesley.

Also too, Happy Berated Birthday (yes, We did it a second time so you know it’s not a mistake.  You so funny, Mistah Eddie’s Fathah.)  to The Lovely And Talented Willam Belli, who turned twenty-foru this past weekend as well, possibly in WeHo, but more likely on world tour someplace.

Happy Canada Day to Our Canadian readers.  (Do We have Canadian readers?  They never call, they never write, they never “eh”…how ‘bout a shout out, Canadian readers?  Lettuce know you’re up there.)

So, for something new and different, it’s raining.  So that’s exciting.  Although, today, We have no pressing need to go out into it.  Yesterday, We were trundling about in same.  Amidst Our trundling, We explored a City That Loves You On Your Back tourist attraction We had not known previously, and now We are hell-bent to attend some sort of event held at The Magic Garden, which see: http://www.phillymagicgardens.org/  . As a reward for Our trundling, after the sun had come out, We went inside (because We’re bass-ackwards like that) and had dinner at Café Nola, which, for those of you (which is, of course, ALL of you) awaiting Starzina’s Fringe show with bated (not baited; We’ve discussed this before) breath, is where said show will before performed.  Because, while We haven’t learned much in Our twenty-four years, We HAVE learned that people like shows much better when there’s easy access to good food and lots of liquor.

And, really, that is all We have to report.  We have several things about which We would like to COMPLAIN, but We are going to refrain.  Because that rhymes.  (And the rain wasn’t even one of them.  Not even in Spain on the plain.)

We are, however, going to repeat Our weekend e-pissode from Saturday, for those of you whose Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  naked skimming schedules may not include weekend e-ditions,  in the interest of reaching the Gentleman Caller who is attempting to reach Us psychically:

<…Insert Way-Back Machine Special Effects Here…/.>

Alrighty then.  To come quickly to Our point, those of you on Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Marriage Vigil will be both flummoxed and flabbergasted to hear that no one has proposed to Us yet again, for the third day running.  However, We did have Ourselves a viZZZion, in the form of a dream…

From time to time, We have regaled YouPeople within these e-pisstles with stories of Our epic dreams.  If only, We’ve sighed, Our head had a USB port, We could keep both HBO and ShowTime on the air 24/7.  Well, last night We were having a number of epic dreams which, instead of Us concatenating into one long epic dream, We were switching between, a la television channels.

(You may thank Us for that now, as it means We shall only have to Cher the pertinent part.  You’re welcome.)

In the pertinent part in question, We were on vacation.  Somewhere rustic, in some sort of cabin.  (We know, We know…there are WAY too many things wrong with that sentence.)  While vacationing, We received a postcard/piece of mail from someone back home.  (Yes, We realize that’s backwards…it’s a dream, dammit; just go with Us.)

There were pictures of the gentleman who sent the mail contained thereon/therein.  They were outdoor pictures of the gentleman in question, taken from so far away that One had to look very closely to realize that he was nekkid in them.  The accompanying text made it very clear that he wanted Us to come home from Our vacation, and that he was making Propositions Of A Certain Character.

Before you ask (perverts), We did NOT make it home in the course of the dream.

Now here comes the hard part.  (All together now:  “That’s what SHE said.”)  The gentleman in question is an actual gentleman of Our real-life acquaintance.  We are fairly certain that he is one of Our Gentle Readers (and not a naked skimmer (We have not, in fact, seen him naked (unlike many of you (heh)), except for now, in last night’s dream)).  Were he (subjunctively) to make Propositions Of A Certain Character, We would most assuredly whole-heartedly acquiesce.

So, if this is you, and you’ve been thinking of sending Us nekkid pictures, or otherwise declaring your intentions, please do.  (Of course, it might be embarrassing if you sent Us nekkid pictures and it turned out it wasn’t you We were talking about.  (On the other hand, We can really never have too many nekkid pictures, so send ‘em anyway.))

There…wasn’t that a fun e-dition of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  to read on a lazy Sayerdee afternoon?

Who said, “NO”?

As a reward for making it all the way through (especially those of you who are now composing artistic nekkid selfies), here is a little video.  As you know, We love the summer and loathe the winter, but for those of you who are oppositely inclined, here is a young lady who shares your point of view.  (The audio is Not Safe For Work, if you happen to be working on a Sayerdee):

 

<…Insert Reverse Way-Back Machine Special Effects Here…/.>

Here is a random joke for Our Sistah Ovella:

Why did the French chef commit suicide?

He lost the huile d’olive.

Heh.  We kill Us.

In other news, as you can see,  Our latest video, Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CANCER 2013 is above. 

If you’ve been paying attention (oh, relax; We know you haven’t), you will note that this is the fourth installment in a (so far) four e-pissode story arc.  Because We’re a writer like that, and stuff.

We would like you to take this link to said video   http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M and email it to your friends.  Or put it on their SitOnMyFacebook pages.  Or, if they are having a Cancer birthday, wish them a happy birthday with it.  Seriously, people…is this so difficult?

And here is the HorrorScope:

Happy Birthday to Debbie Harry of Blondie fame (the band, not the comic strip, for you older Gentle Readers).

It’s time to get out there and discover something no one has ever seen before  (Our Wednesday panties?)

— at least no one you know!  (You may be noticing that this text is all purple, instead of Our usual blood-clot brown.  That is an artifact of Saturday’s  horoscope being courtesy of Madame Olivia.  We regret that she only ass(tromalogically) ho(roscopulate)s for Us once a week.)

Your terrific personal energy (Jigga what?)

guarantees an adventure, (The Poseidon Adventure.)

no matter where you end up.  (Well, THAT sounds ominous.  (Note to Self:  new children’s book:  The Octopus’s  Ominous Omnibus.))

Give it all you’ve got and then some.  (Unless you’re giving blood.)

You may not see results right away, (Or, ya know, EVER.)

but in putting forth a full effort, you’ll learn to appreciate the process, and that’s truly what’s most important.  (Spoken like a true person who’s never seen results.  EVER.)

Life may never be perfect, (Ya think?)

 but it can be a lot of fun if you let yourself relish what’s right in front of you.  (Insert hotdog joke here.  (Seriously…insert it.  Do We have to do EVERYTHING?))

Enjoying the journey is what gives your day-to-day existence meaning.  (Enjoying the gurney is, on the other hand, perverse.)

After that, the destination is almost beside the point.  (Unless, of course, your destination IS the point, in which case…what the fuck is this bitch nattering on about again?)

 If there’s a hot new art exhibit or a happening neighborhood you want to explore out there, now is the time to head out and soak in local culture.  (Trust Us, if you go exploring out there right now, you will definitely be soaking in something.)

(You’re soaking in it.  (That was a Madge-the-Manicurist callback, all the way from the beginning.  Do We have madd skillz, or what?))

You’re likely to meet someone really great!  (Aquaman?)

(We don’t know about you, But We just made Our Own Self laugh.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Ice, ice, baby

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for GoodByeScoobyDooDay, May 22, 2012.  Happy birthday to AstroGeek, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in the MidWest.  Wishing you AstroGlide™ on Uranus, AstroGeek!  Also, happy birthday to Jeremy, who also turns twenty-four today.  In California.  WeHo, to be exact.  Where the streets are paved with AstroGlide™, so there’s no need for wishing.  Also also, happy anniversary to Brian and Dan, who are not turning twenty-four today, but are having an anniversary.  As you may have guessed.  And Happy Harvey Milk Day to the rest of you.

Well.  That’s a lot of happiness for other people.  How ‘bout somebody drops by OurHouseWhereWeLive and makes US happy for a change?

(We really must do something about this cricket infestation.)

Not that We are unloved, mind you.  We got an email to the contrary just yesterday, in fact.  It appears We have a secret admirer:

SUBJECT: Halloween (See how crafty Our secret admirer is?)

Hey...



This is hard for me because I have never done anything like this.. but I have a huge crush on you. I have never been able to tell you for reasons which you would quickly identify as obvious if you knew who this was.



I'm really attracted to you and I think you would be wanting to get with me immediately and I want to make sure it would be the best for us. Please write me an eCard back through here so I know it is you and we can explore more: (Click here to reply MY PROFILE and PICTURES). My username is lovebug1136 so put that in when you contact me.



Kisses,



http://www.loverssecretecard.com

And to further confuse the issue, this charming billet doux was addressed to five other people besides Ourself, several of whom were clearly of one gender or the other.  We cannot WAIT to send Our reply and find out who lovebug1136 actually is.

Of course, not everything on the WorldWideInterWebNetz is hearts, flowers, secret admirers, and advertisements for personal lubricants.  The InterNetz, these days, appear to exist mostly to Make Us Feel Old.  Today’s InterNetzian tidbits to that end:  Johnny Carson retired twenty years ago today.  Also, this year marks the twenty-fifth anniversary of Michael Jackson’s Bad album.  If anyone wants Us, We’ll be in a rocking chair on the porch, hollering at kids to get off Our lawn.

Oh, wait…We don’t have a porch.  Or a lawn.  Or, for that matter, a rocking chair.  Sigh.  Senility isn’t for pussies.  It is, however, apparently for crickets, which We have IN ABUNDANCE.

In other news, We have moved into Gemini.  Here is a fillum for you to resoundingly ignore:  http://youtu.be/YBwdacfn2Vk .  And, in honor of AstroGeek’s birthday, lettuce put his website up here, where it will be closer to Uranus: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/

Here’s  the HorrorScope:

Reach out and connect directly with someone far away.  (Have AstroGlide™ on Uranus, will travel.  (That’s so much more poetical than the old-fashioned “have gun, will travel”.  (Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just ahppy to see Us?)))

That could mean a phone call or a cam session, (Ooooh!  Perhaps AstroGeek will send Us photos of his birthday suit!)

but one way or another,  (I’m gonna get you get you get you get you…)

(Because what day is not improved by the addition of a little Debbie Harry?  (Hey, there are all these damn crickets chirping…We’ll sing whatever We please.))

you need to move beyond mere words into something a bit more primal.  (Like the scream?)

 In the enchanted forest that is your life, today you will be able to emerge from the frightening woods and find solace in an emotional clearing.  (Oh, great.  Suddenly, We’re Snow White.  Fucking dwarffucker.)

There is no danger here,  (Show Us on the doll where the dwarffucker touched you.)

and you will feel comfortable enough to sit down, (BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAH!!!  See what she did there?)

relax, and figure out where you’re going to go next. (Hell in a handbag?)

There are two paths ahead of you, and both look equally promising. (First We’re Snow White, now We’re Robert Frost.  What the hell’s next, Vanilla Ice?)

(Having killed a brain cell coming up with that awful joke, We felt compelled to share.  (Meanwhile in keeping with several running themes today, Vanilla Ice will be forty-five this year.  (On Halloween.)))

(How many dwarfs would a dwarffucker fuck if a dwarffucker could fuck dwarfs?)

Take the one that intimidates you the most (We’re pretty sure that is no way to run an airline.)

— it will be the one to lead you on the most interesting and fulfilling journey. (We do so love a good fulfilling.)

 How insightful are you when it comes to the ways of the heart? (The way to a man’s heart is through his ribcage, with a chainsaw.)

(Howzzat?)

You’ve been single for so long (Sing it, sistah!)

that sometimes it’s easy to forget how to woo someone special. (Sorry…We shot Our wad on woo jokes last week.)

Being observant pays off.   (Sorry…what’d you say?)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Roll me in designer sheets, I’ll never get enough

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  Frito-Lay-Bets-You-Can’t-Eat-Just-One-And-Oddly-Enough-They’re-Not-Talking-About-Dicks, October 21, 2011.  So, happy Friday, kidz.  Funny how this week seemed so short, and yet last week seemed so long. (Farewell, auf wiedersehn, goodbye.) Not, of course, so much “funny: ha-ha” as “funny: nobody ever got BOTH hands up there before”.

As you can see, We’ve totally got nothing today.  In fact, We venture to say, We’ve got PLENTY of nothing, and nothing’s plenty for We.  But Happy Rapture Day, y’all.  Or should We say, Happy Rapture Re-run Day.  We were GOING to ascend directly into Heaven, but We couldn’t figure out what to pack.  Is it cold there this time of year?  Because that hardly seems like Heaven to Us.  We’re pretty sure We haven’t a THING to wear.  And don’t tell Us One doesn’t need clothes in Heaven.  Because looking at all y’all nekkid doesn’t sound like Heaven to Us, neither.  Judging from some of your faces, your birthday suits need pressing.

Oh, well.  Maybe that prune-faced old bible beat-off got his date wrong.  Again.  Ya think?  He’ll no doubt just reschedule.  And yet, the wingnut whackadoodles who want these lunatics to take over the gummint will continue to campaign.  Sigh.

It’s really just as well We won’t be having the Rapture today.  There are only so many Blondie jokes One can make.  (There are, on the other hand, any number of Dagwood jokes.  And don’t get Us started on Mister Dithers.)

That right there was a little bait-and-switch comedy.  You thought We were gonna do Debbie Harry jokes, and We went all Penny Singleton on your asses.  That, of course, is because there ARE no Debbie Harry jokes.

(Our old folks readers are all like, “Who the fuck is Debbie Harry?”  Meanwhile, all of Our readers under the age of a hundred and two are all like, “Who the fuck is Penny Singleton?”  Because We?  Are an equal-opportunity “who-the-fuck-er”.)

(With a fuck-fuck here, and a fuck-fuck there, here a fuck, there a fuck, everywhere a fuck-fuck… Who-The-Fuck-er had a farm, EE-YI-EE-YI-OH.)

(Nothing like a little sing-along first thing in the morning, is there?)

In other other news, Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Libra is winding into its final days; you can either click to watch it here:

 

 or share this link with your friends with Libra birthdays:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XEd2UNc29Sk

Soon, We will be entering Scorpio.  (Scorpio loves when We do that.  Especially with no warning.)  But first, the HorrorScope:

Today should feel like an adventure (Sometimes you feel like Our nuts; sometimes you don’t.)

— and you are the hero, of course!  (We?  Are the heroine.  But not, unfortunately, the heroin.  Because clearly, We are an easy habit to kick. (In Our universe, the phrase “kick the habit” was coined because who doesn’t hate nuns?))

It’s a great time to say hello to a new love interest or to shift gears and start off in an entirely new direction.  (We would shift gears, but We cannot drive a stick.  And this?  Is a dirty, dirty analogy.  Slut.)

You’re going to be very quick on your feet today, (Also light in Our loafers.)

which means your reaction time will be fast — but will it be too fast?  (That depends…how many habits do We have to kick?)

Think out every move you make, carefully and methodically. (These things must be done delicately.)

(We are now pixturing Margaret Hamilton on a Woolite™ commercial.)

(Are We going too fast for you?)

 Like a championship chess player, you should anticipate other people’s moves and stay several steps ahead.  (The way things are going these days, We’d be lucky to be a championship Candyland™ player.)

This isn’t a competitive thing; (It’s a black thang; you wouldn’t understand, yo.)

 it’s a time-saving thing. (Will Our time earn interest?  Because, so far, it’s not very interesting.)

You don’t want to do something that you’ll just end up having to do again a few days from now, do you?  (That depends.  Are We talking “re-grout the bathroom” or “sex with Johnny Depp”?)

 Today be gracious towards friends who want to set you up on a date. (Shut the front door!  Who are these “friends”, and why do they never call to set up these dates?)

 Even though blind dates can be nerve-wracking, (Especially when they try to light your cigarettes for you.)

(Wait for it…THERE ya go!)

you never know when you might meet your next big romance by chance. (Wearing pants in France with Vivian Vance.)

Your pals know you best, so let them have a chance to prove their Cupid capabilities. (Oh, dear.  Not Cupid stunts, AGAIN…)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.