Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for GoodByeScoobyDooDay, May 22, 2012. Happy birthday to AstroGeek, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in the MidWest. Wishing you AstroGlide™ on Uranus, AstroGeek! Also, happy birthday to Jeremy, who also turns twenty-four today. In California. WeHo, to be exact. Where the streets are paved with AstroGlide™, so there’s no need for wishing. Also also, happy anniversary to Brian and Dan, who are not turning twenty-four today, but are having an anniversary. As you may have guessed. And Happy Harvey Milk Day to the rest of you.
Well. That’s a lot of happiness for other people. How ‘bout somebody drops by OurHouseWhereWeLive and makes US happy for a change?
(We really must do something about this cricket infestation.)
Not that We are unloved, mind you. We got an email to the contrary just yesterday, in fact. It appears We have a secret admirer:
SUBJECT: Halloween (See how crafty Our secret admirer is?)
Hey... This is hard for me because I have never done anything like this.. but I have a huge crush on you. I have never been able to tell you for reasons which you would quickly identify as obvious if you knew who this was. I'm really attracted to you and I think you would be wanting to get with me immediately and I want to make sure it would be the best for us. Please write me an eCard back through here so I know it is you and we can explore more: (Click here to reply MY PROFILE and PICTURES). My username is lovebug1136 so put that in when you contact me. Kisses, http://www.loverssecretecard.com
And to further confuse the issue, this charming billet doux was addressed to five other people besides Ourself, several of whom were clearly of one gender or the other. We cannot WAIT to send Our reply and find out who lovebug1136 actually is.
Of course, not everything on the WorldWideInterWebNetz is hearts, flowers, secret admirers, and advertisements for personal lubricants. The InterNetz, these days, appear to exist mostly to Make Us Feel Old. Today’s InterNetzian tidbits to that end: Johnny Carson retired twenty years ago today. Also, this year marks the twenty-fifth anniversary of Michael Jackson’s Bad album. If anyone wants Us, We’ll be in a rocking chair on the porch, hollering at kids to get off Our lawn.
Oh, wait…We don’t have a porch. Or a lawn. Or, for that matter, a rocking chair. Sigh. Senility isn’t for pussies. It is, however, apparently for crickets, which We have IN ABUNDANCE.
In other news, We have moved into Gemini. Here is a fillum for you to resoundingly ignore: http://youtu.be/YBwdacfn2Vk . And, in honor of AstroGeek’s birthday, lettuce put his website up here, where it will be closer to Uranus: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/
Here’s the HorrorScope:
Reach out and connect directly with someone far away. (Have AstroGlide™ on Uranus, will travel. (That’s so much more poetical than the old-fashioned “have gun, will travel”. (Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just ahppy to see Us?)))
That could mean a phone call or a cam session, (Ooooh! Perhaps AstroGeek will send Us photos of his birthday suit!)
but one way or another, (I’m gonna get you get you get you get you…)
(Because what day is not improved by the addition of a little Debbie Harry? (Hey, there are all these damn crickets chirping…We’ll sing whatever We please.))
you need to move beyond mere words into something a bit more primal. (Like the scream?)
In the enchanted forest that is your life, today you will be able to emerge from the frightening woods and find solace in an emotional clearing. (Oh, great. Suddenly, We’re Snow White. Fucking dwarffucker.)
There is no danger here, (Show Us on the doll where the dwarffucker touched you.)
and you will feel comfortable enough to sit down, (BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAH!!! See what she did there?)
relax, and figure out where you’re going to go next. (Hell in a handbag?)
There are two paths ahead of you, and both look equally promising. (First We’re Snow White, now We’re Robert Frost. What the hell’s next, Vanilla Ice?)
(Having killed a brain cell coming up with that awful joke, We felt compelled to share. (Meanwhile in keeping with several running themes today, Vanilla Ice will be forty-five this year. (On Halloween.)))
(How many dwarfs would a dwarffucker fuck if a dwarffucker could fuck dwarfs?)
Take the one that intimidates you the most (We’re pretty sure that is no way to run an airline.)
— it will be the one to lead you on the most interesting and fulfilling journey. (We do so love a good fulfilling.)
How insightful are you when it comes to the ways of the heart? (The way to a man’s heart is through his ribcage, with a chainsaw.)
You’ve been single for so long (Sing it, sistah!)
that sometimes it’s easy to forget how to woo someone special. (Sorry…We shot Our wad on woo jokes last week.)
Being observant pays off. (Sorry…what’d you say?)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.