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Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Jesus is a biscuit, let Him sop you up

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for MayDayYesWeSaidMayDayMayDayMayDay, May 1rd, 2012.  Condragulations to The Lovely And Talented Willam Belli, pixtured above, who We suspect did better career-wise by being thrown off of Ru Paul’s Drag Race than he would have if he’d stayed on it and won.   Here is his latest music video, a tender, tasteful little ditty entitled “Love You Like A Big Schlong”.  (If We need to inform you that it is Not Safe For Work, perhaps your mommy shouldn’t be letting you use the ‘puter unsupervised):

We were a bit taken aback when Micro$oft Weird™ marked “sop” in “Jesus is a biscuit, let Him sop you up” as an incorrect word choice.  We were ever so afraid that it was going to suggest that We change it to “Jesus is a biscuit, let Him soap you up”, which could be construed as blasphemous, if One were (subjunctively) to take it the wrong way.  (Although One could argue that the idea of Jesus giving one a bath is not entirely out of keeping with religious concepts of cleansing One of One’s sins and whatnot, but then, what the hell would the biscuit have to do with anything?)  However, Micro$oft Weird™ was actually suggesting that We change it to “Jesus is a biscuit, let Him so you up”, which doesn’t make a goddamn freaking lick of sense, so there’s no goddamn blasphemy whatsoever.


Speaking of Jesus, He will be appearing in The Match Game (see below), and, having been freed of the constraints of the usual WaitStaffian white-shirt-black-pants uniform, has chosen a lovely 70s ensemble for the occasion.  (No biscuits were harmed in the creation of this outfit.)

The WaitStaff Plays The Match Game!

The most hilarious, bawdy, risque game show from the 70s, 80s, and 90s returns with a spin that only the WaitStaff could give it! Featuring icons such as host Gene Rayburn and celebrity players extraordinaire like Charles Nelson Reilly and Bret Somers, as well as WaitStaff favorites like Jesus H. Christ and The Real Housewives of South Philly's Duchess, along with a few Extra Special Guest Stars, including the lovely and talented Sharon Geller and the talented and lovely Peter Patrikios, We'll be rocking L'Etage on May 2, 3, and 4.

The shows are at 7:30, and the doors open at 7. Tickets are $15, but, if you mention that you heard about the show in Eric’s Daily Horoscope, you'll get in for $10. And, if you're up for it, you could even be a Match Game contestant and win Fabulous Prizes! 

Tickets are ONLY available at the door, so get there early, get your drink on, and GET READY TO MATCH THE STARS!!!

We do hope to see you there.  (Here is a link to the SitOnMyFaceBook event, if you’d like to let Us know that you’re coming: )

Here is a link to Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Taurus: which you can use to share it with your very own personal friends who are currently birthdaying:

And, because its brilliance cannot be overstated, Our new motto:  Uranus is Our Rosebud.

And now, the HorrorScope:

You need to do something healthy today — it could be almost anything!  (Okay, how ‘bout We fuck a vegetarian?)

(Didn’t see THAT coming, didja?)

Your energy is focused more on your deeper, ongoing needs (ROWRRR!!!)

than anything transitory, so make sure you’re in it for the long haul.  (“Haul” being, naturally, a euphemism.)

Back in the days of vinyl records, a slight scratch could cause big problems. (Indeed.  Too many skips on a record could upset your pet dinosaur.)

A sweet song would suddenly hiccup, and the same line would begin repeating over and over again — exasperating listeners. (Nowadays, We call that “rap”.)

Right now, your life routine might be creating similar feelings of exasperation. (Ya think?)

Experiencing the same thing over and over again is not pleasant. (It’s almost like déjà vu.  (Hey, wait a minute…didn’t We just do a déjà vu joke yesterday?  What’s that called when that happens?))

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

(Here is yesterday’s “déjà vu” joke all over again.  Because, this being the only funny idea We’ve had today, We’re just not willing to let it go:

Have faith that if it happens once, it can happen again. (“Déjà vu” = re-runs of The View. Discuss.))

Handle this problem the way you’d handle a skipping record — you’ll be surprised by how effective a tiny little nudge can be.  (So the answer wasn’t “acetylene blowtorch”?)

Take your time to get to know someone special today. (Oh, great.  Dating ‘tards again.)

 There’s no rush to find out what makes a person tick. (There is if there’s a bomb up their ass.)

Half of the fun is trying to figure out what excites your crush. (And the other half?  Didja ever notice that, when someone tells you what “half the fun” is, they never tell you what the other half is?)

Go slow and enjoy yourself.  (We do so love when Kelli talks dirty.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.