Hello, Ducks!
Starzina
Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, May 31,
2012. So solly to have missed Hump Day;
We know you were all just waiting with bated breath to hump Our unhumpable
Self. (If you did NOT just sing “to hump
Our unhumpable Self” to the tune of “The
Impossible Dream”, We shall pause here while you go back and rectumfy your
error. (If you DID just sing “to hump
Our unhumpable Self” to the tune of “The
Impossible Dream”, you are very, very old.
And possibly insane.))
We interrupt
this stream-of-unconsciousness to inform you that We have just received an
email whose subject line is “Hands-free fishing with Pole Pal”. We were very excited, until We realized that
it was not, in fact, a euphemism.
Sigh. Clearly, OUR idea of a “Pole
Pal” and theirs were two completely different animals. (We meant a gay mail-order bride from Poland…why? What did you think We meant?)
You
may recall that, when last We spoke, We were on the verge of commencing
construction of a bridge with which to get over Ourself. In the intervening days, however, it has come
to Our attention that We are, in fact, pretty fucking fabulous, so the rest of
you will just have to get over Us. And
We’re not building you no bridge, neither.
So nanny-nanny-poo-poo.
(We
mistyped “fucking” in that paragraph, and Micro$oft Weird™ didn’t autocorrect
it. How long have We been using this computer?)
In
other news, some parent’s SitOnMyFaceBook status was just changed to inform Us
that they will be dropping their child off at Lego Class. Lego Class?
Seriously? That’s a thing?
Speaking
of classy things, the WaitStaff will be
playing The Match Game again by popular demand on Thursday, June 7 and
Friday, June 8, at 7:30 at L’Etage at 6th & Bainbridge. Did We mention that, the first time We
played, a number of people came back for more than one performance? Well, We did now. Reservations are strongly suggested, and can
be obtained here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/250950 Find more info on Our SitOnMyFaceBook event
here: http://www.facebook.com/events/429387893745900/ Be there or be square.
Here’s
the HorrorScope:
So,
wait…it’s Brooke Shields’s birthday, and We don’t have the day off? The hell?
Accidents
happen (That’s why We’re wearing Depends™.
Cleverly disguised as Underoos™.
Scooby-Doo, scoopy-poo.)
—
and on days like today, they are practically guaranteed! (But if an accident is guaranteed, isn’t it
kind of on purpose?)
(We
are having such a fascinating morning….every time We type a sentence, We go and
take some more crap out of the dishwasher.
We can smell your jealousy from here.)
You
can minimize the damage they do by acting with care and ensuring that nothing
too valuable is at risk. (Doesn’t THAT sound exciting?)
There
is a great satisfaction to be had in fulfilling mundane responsibilities with
enthusiasm. (No. No, there isn’t. Trust Us.)
So
the next time you’re facing an array of boring errands or tedious commitments, (When
are We NOT facing such a thing?)
take
a deep breath (Fuck that noise…take a pill.)
—
and turn your annoyance into determination. (In other news, the dishwasher is
now empty. Much like Our life.)
Even
if you’re just going to pick up your dry cleaning, for instance, (Oh, the
places We’ll go!)
use
correct change and give the person behind the counter your warmest smile. (This
is ten of the most boring horoscopes ever.)
These
tasks can be enjoyable if you let them. (Go
fuck yerself.)
You
never shy away from conflict, but that doesn’t mean you should search for it.
(Well, We’d better search for SOMETHING, because this sure as hell ain’t no horoscope.)
It’s
best to pick your battles wisely today, especially when it comes to love. (Yeah. Because, of all the things that are gonna
happen to Us today, a “love battle” is definitely gonna be one of ‘em.)
(Except,
ya know, NOT.)
Even
if you’d like have the last word, (In the beginning, there was the word, and
that word was “aardvark”. We’re pretty
sure the last word was “zymurgy”, or something like that.)
(What?)
sometimes
it’s best to clam up. (Actually, all the
really cool kidz are learning to calamari up.)
(Your
Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile,
why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than
necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual
ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek
here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain
of the Penn rowing team.
No comments:
Post a Comment