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Friday, May 25, 2012

It's a privilege to pee




Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  Everybody’sWorkinForTheWeekend, May 25, 2012.  Only seven months of shopping days until Christmas, kidz.  Meanwhile, yesterday’s e-pissode of Erix Daily Horoscope for some reason attracted all manner of attention, racking up almost 100 hits in just one day.  And it didn’t even have a particularly scintillating pixture:  http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2012/05/hip-hooray-and-bally-hoo-lullaby-of.html , unlike, say, Charlene Tilton, whose e-pissode currently has a total of 557 hits http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2010/07/i-could-have-spread-my-legs-and-eaten.html, or Our all-time-high, Amazing Fat Guy, whose e-pissode has a total of 2673 hits http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2011/11/madness-takes-its-tollplease-have-exact.html  Why do these things happen?  We haven’t got any idea.  Although the crickets are still chirping comment-wise, so there’s that.

Today, however, We are noticing a marked downturn in WorldWideInterWebNetzian activity as everyone prepares for the long weekend.  Our Own Personal plans for said holiday include finally turning on Our central air and getting some sleep around here.

We also, naturally, will be honing Our madd clairvoyance skillz, as by popular demand, the WaitStaff will be playing The Match Game again on Thursday, June 7 and Friday, June 8, at 7:30 at L’Etage at 6th & Bainbridge.  Did We mention that, the first time We played, a number of people came back for more than one performance?  Well, We did now.  Reservations are strongly suggested, and can be obtained here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/250950  Find more info on Our SitOnMyFaceBook event here:  http://www.facebook.com/events/429387893745900/  Be there or be square.

In still other other news, We have moved into Gemini.  Here is a fillum for you to resoundingly ignore:  http://youtu.be/YBwdacfn2Vk , much the way you resoundingly ignore these horoscopes, and Us Our Own Self Personally.

Meanwhile, in cinema news, have you heard of this fillum at the Cannes Film Festival in which Nicole Kidman takes a piss on Zac Efron’s face?  A pee-green-with-envy Tom Cruise could not be reached for comment.


Here’s  the HorrorScope:

You need to find someone to talk with today  (Hmmm…it’s a shame the InterNetz are empty.)

— your feelings are all over the map, but there’s at least one parson who is sure to understand. (A parson?   Seriously?  Are you sure it’s not a vicar?  A curate?   A rector?  Do you really just spew this shite out into the void and have no one proofread it?  Parson, indeed.)

(We feel as though We should storm off in a huff and go pee on Zac Efron’s face.)

If all else fails, you should get some strenuous exercise.   (Could that be a euphemism?  Pretty please?)

Your recent role as peacekeeper is not a permanent one, (Well, thank CHRIST!  Although it sure beat that beekeeper gig.  That costume was ANNOYING.)

so you can turn off the diplomacy act today. (It’s all about sincerity.  If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.)

If someone says something controversial in a group, (A group of what?  There’s nobody here.)

don’t try to suppress it or smooth it over. (Can We pee on it?)

(Watersports at Zac Efron’s house!  Bring your own towel!)

(We can understand (almost) Micro$oft Weird™ re cognizing neither “Zac” nor “Efron”.  But “watersports”?  Seriously?)

Let this person experience the consequences of their statement; don’t try to protect them. (It’s all fun and games till somebody pees in Zac Efron’s eye.)

(If all your friends peed off the Brooklyn Bridge into Zac Efron’s face, I suppose you would too.)

(Shit Kinky Moms Say…SO much funnier than Shit My Dad Says.)

Maybe it’s time that they realized that what they have to say is often something that people don’t want to hear. (Sorry…what did you say?)

If anyone feels comfortable in the extremes, it’s you. (Insert “pissstreams” joke here.)

But if you’re runnin’ and gunnin’ at full steam ahead, no wonder you feel tired and burned out. (ExSQUEEZE Us?  “Runnin’ and gunnin’”?  “Full steam ahead”?  What are We, the fucking Dukes of Hazzard all of a sudden?)

Then again, others are burned out on you, too. (Piss on ‘em.)

Mellow out.  (They call Us Mellow Yellow (‘cause yellow’s the color of pee…))


(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
                            
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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.