Hello, Ducks!
Starzina
Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WenzDee, May 9, 2012. Happy Hump Day to all you Humpers and
Humpettes out there who’d hump a while with a camel. (Who the hell thought up THAT advertising
slogan? How was camelfucking supposed to
sell cigarettes? (Come to think of it,
what the fuck kind of name for a brand of cigarettes is “Camel™” anyway? (We
just Googled “Camel™” on Wikipedia. They
were named Camels because the paper was Turkish. Which certainly clears THAT right up. (In other news, the guy who invented Turkish
Taffy™’s father was Turkish. You’re
welcome.))))
In other
other news, fuck you very much, toothless incestuous hillbillies of North
Carolina, for demonstrating what happens when you put people’s rights to a
vote. The last time this collection of ‘tards
got together to amend their state constitution, it was to outlaw interracial
marriage. Remind Us again why We didn’t
just let them secede?
(Our apologies to anyone in North Carolina who voted against bigotry and hatred. Also, Our deepest sympathy.)
Here,
if you can stomach it, is Neo-Nazi group World Wide White Pride celebrating the
vote (scroll down the page for a picture of them actually cutting a wedding
cake): http://wpww.net/
Here
is a SitOnMyFaceBook page which is organizing economic sanctions (you remember the
economy? It’s that thing the Republitards
expect Us all to ignore while they’re busy stopping committed couples from
getting married and crawling all up in women’s vaginas): http://www.facebook.com/SanctionsAgainstNorthCarolina
(We
did so hope not to be saying “vagina” in here any time soon after yesterday’s
vaginathon. Too bad, so sad, anal sex
with your dad.)
On
another subject, here is a link to Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:
Taurus: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KlqQw4TppqY
which you can use to share
it with your very own personal friends who are currently birthdaying. Not, of course, that anyone has ever actually
done this, but We live in hope.
And
here, because its brilliance cannot be overstated, is Our new motto:
Uranus is Our Rosebud.
And
now, the HorrorScope:
You
need to spread yourself out socially today, (Chile, if We “spread out” any
more, We shall eclipse the sun.)
and
make sure that you meet up with new people. (Can old people be new people? Discuss.)
It’s
likely that you run into at least one person from far out of town, (Not, We
trust, from North Carolina. (Do they let
them out? (Seriously...do they?)))
so
be sure to make them feel welcome! (Our
legs are wide open!)
(Oooops…was
that the outside voice?)
Is
your ambition taking over your life? (Yeah.
That’s exactly what’s happening.)
Recently,
a few catty comments from friends might be leading you to believe that they
feel a bit left out of your life. (We haven’t heard any catty comments. Do cricketty comments count?)
(“Cricketty”,
is apparently, not a word. At least according
to Micro$oft Weird™. It is a
coinage. A neolo-jizm, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…who asked you,
anyway? (We are all kinds of militant in
here this morning. We are still wearing
Our Tuesday panties, and We may not change them.)))
At first you might have thought that their
discontentment was rooted in jealousy (Now is the winter of Our discontentment,
rooted in jellybeans…(That was a little Shakespeare, in a desperate effort to
class up the joint.))
(Mmmm…jellybeans.)
—
but could it really be based on a real sense that they are losing their
connection to you? (Yeah. Because THAT
clearly makes people cry real tears.)
Your
drive for success should not leave the people you love by the side of the road. (Our “drive for success” reminds Us of
nothing so much as the end of Thelma and Louise.)
(One
is now imagining Shakespeare having written Thelma
and Louise. Or indeed having written
anything with modern devices at his disposal…cars, cell phones, vibrators
shaped like Justin Bieber…)
(The
Philadelphia Shakespeare Festival just spontaneously relocated to Camden, New
Jersey.)
So make sure to include them in what’s going
on. (We shall send out a memo
immediately. Mimeographed, even. Then We’ll have a mime sing “Mammy”.)
(What?)
Maybe it was a weird dream, (Precious little “maybe”
about it.)
but
you wake up this morning feeling a bit disconnected, like you can’t separate
the subconscious from reality. (And this would be a problem because…?)
In
this twilight zone, you’re apt to notice hotties of a different sort. (The ones
with an oddly muffled “Baby…baby…baby…ooooohhhh….” coming from their nether
regions?)
Today couldn’t present a better time to meet
fresh faces.
(Sit on a happy face.)
(Your
Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile,
why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than
necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual
ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek
here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate
entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries),
which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and
won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate
in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is
absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal
blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the
Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets
and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
No comments:
Post a Comment