Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WenzDee, May 9, 2012. Happy Hump Day to all you Humpers and Humpettes out there who’d hump a while with a camel. (Who the hell thought up THAT advertising slogan? How was camelfucking supposed to sell cigarettes? (Come to think of it, what the fuck kind of name for a brand of cigarettes is “Camel™” anyway? (We just Googled “Camel™” on Wikipedia. They were named Camels because the paper was Turkish. Which certainly clears THAT right up. (In other news, the guy who invented Turkish Taffy™’s father was Turkish. You’re welcome.))))
In other other news, fuck you very much, toothless incestuous hillbillies of North Carolina, for demonstrating what happens when you put people’s rights to a vote. The last time this collection of ‘tards got together to amend their state constitution, it was to outlaw interracial marriage. Remind Us again why We didn’t just let them secede?
(Our apologies to anyone in North Carolina who voted against bigotry and hatred. Also, Our deepest sympathy.)
Here, if you can stomach it, is Neo-Nazi group World Wide White Pride celebrating the vote (scroll down the page for a picture of them actually cutting a wedding cake): http://wpww.net/
Here is a SitOnMyFaceBook page which is organizing economic sanctions (you remember the economy? It’s that thing the Republitards expect Us all to ignore while they’re busy stopping committed couples from getting married and crawling all up in women’s vaginas): http://www.facebook.com/SanctionsAgainstNorthCarolina
(We did so hope not to be saying “vagina” in here any time soon after yesterday’s vaginathon. Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)
On another subject, here is a link to Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Taurus: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KlqQw4TppqY which you can use to share it with your very own personal friends who are currently birthdaying. Not, of course, that anyone has ever actually done this, but We live in hope.
And here, because its brilliance cannot be overstated, is Our new motto: Uranus is Our Rosebud.
And now, the HorrorScope:
You need to spread yourself out socially today, (Chile, if We “spread out” any more, We shall eclipse the sun.)
and make sure that you meet up with new people. (Can old people be new people? Discuss.)
It’s likely that you run into at least one person from far out of town, (Not, We trust, from North Carolina. (Do they let them out? (Seriously...do they?)))
so be sure to make them feel welcome! (Our legs are wide open!)
(Oooops…was that the outside voice?)
Is your ambition taking over your life? (Yeah. That’s exactly what’s happening.)
Recently, a few catty comments from friends might be leading you to believe that they feel a bit left out of your life. (We haven’t heard any catty comments. Do cricketty comments count?)
(“Cricketty”, is apparently, not a word. At least according to Micro$oft Weird™. It is a coinage. A neolo-jizm, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…who asked you, anyway? (We are all kinds of militant in here this morning. We are still wearing Our Tuesday panties, and We may not change them.)))
At first you might have thought that their discontentment was rooted in jealousy (Now is the winter of Our discontentment, rooted in jellybeans…(That was a little Shakespeare, in a desperate effort to class up the joint.))
— but could it really be based on a real sense that they are losing their connection to you? (Yeah. Because THAT clearly makes people cry real tears.)
Your drive for success should not leave the people you love by the side of the road. (Our “drive for success” reminds Us of nothing so much as the end of Thelma and Louise.)
(One is now imagining Shakespeare having written Thelma and Louise. Or indeed having written anything with modern devices at his disposal…cars, cell phones, vibrators shaped like Justin Bieber…)
(The Philadelphia Shakespeare Festival just spontaneously relocated to Camden, New Jersey.)
So make sure to include them in what’s going on. (We shall send out a memo immediately. Mimeographed, even. Then We’ll have a mime sing “Mammy”.)
Maybe it was a weird dream, (Precious little “maybe” about it.)
but you wake up this morning feeling a bit disconnected, like you can’t separate the subconscious from reality. (And this would be a problem because…?)
In this twilight zone, you’re apt to notice hotties of a different sort. (The ones with an oddly muffled “Baby…baby…baby…ooooohhhh….” coming from their nether regions?)
Today couldn’t present a better time to meet fresh faces. (Sit on a happy face.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.