I woke up in love this morning

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for The Very First Hump Day Of 2013, January 9, 2013.  Happy Wednesday Addams to all you Pugsleys out there in GentleReaderLand!  No, We have no idea what We’re talking about, and We are even more confused than We are letting on, because, even though We are well aware that today is only Wednesday Addams, every time We think about tomorrow, We assume (thereby making you think of Uma Thurman’s ass) that tomorrow is Friday.  The next day, presumably, is Grizzly Adams, followed, naturally, by his son, John Quincy Adams, and his grandson, Adam Ant.

Apparently, We woke up this morning, but Our mind is still in bed.  Which should make for a very interesting e-pissode of Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope!

One of Our neighbor is playing some sort of New Age music which is about to drive Us into a coma.

We may also be a little more delusional-confusional than usional because We have spent each of the past three evenings in the company of a different attractive Gentleman Caller.  (Don’t get too excited…all three play for the wrong team.  But still…go, Us!)

The New Age music has now turned into music One might imagine hearing at a 1950s roller skating rink.  We are not so much slipping into a coma as We are going mad.

Speaking of autistic…er, artistic endeavors, here is how you would share  Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscopes:Capricorn  video with a friend.  If you are not going to share it, however, please at least refrain from attempting to thwart Our efforts to do so.  KThxBye.:

http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM

And here are the HorrorScopes:

Today is Tricky Dick Nixon’s birthday.  Speaking of tricks with dicks, it is also Kate Middleton’s birthday.  (Is it just Us, or has it been quite a while since We’ve referenced Prince William’s penis?  Or Prince Harry naked? (Now We’re going to have to go lie down.))

Honesty is key right now  (That’s not true!)

(Sometimes, the level of the humor inhere astounds even Us Our Own Self.)

(This is not one of those times.)

— even if it means hurting someone’s feelings a little bit. (As long as you mean someone ELSE’S feelings.  (That IS what you mean, right?))

You need to make sure that you’re not just bulldozing right over them,  (Oh, sure.  As though anyone could picture Us ever driving a bulldozer.  Are We wearing a hardhat?  And plaid flannel?  Jeebus.)

but the truth is of the utmost importance now.  (And the truth, as They say, shall give you fleas.)

 (They say such peculiar things, it’s a wonder anyone still listens.)

Music, art and culture make for an excellent escape, (As does random indiscriminate sex.  Or so We’ve heard.)

so keep these pastimes in mind when someone or something starts bugging you today.  (They already said, the future’s so bright, you got to wear fleas.  Which doesn’t make any sense.  Maybe They said “fleece”…”the future’s so bright, you got to wear fleece”.)

(Nobody actually WEARS fleece, do they?)

(Mary had a little lamb

Whose fleece was white as snow

It tasted so delicious

That she ate herself some mo’.)

(Why no one lets Us babysit their chirren, We’ll never know.)

Stepping outside of your everyday world and focusing on something that is all about expressing someone else’s ideas is a tonic for your soul.  (Our soul would like a GIN and tonic, ThankYouVeryMuch.)

Someone else’s point of view on your particular romantic conundrum (Does anyone else get “conundrum” and “pudenda” mixed up?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

can help you out of this latest pickle. (Meanwhile, “conundrum” and “pickle” aren’t even remotely the same thing.)

Don’t be stubborn; (“Stubborn” would be Taurus…We are Aries; We’re impatient.  Try reading your Astrology For AssHats book a little more often, Kelli.)

ask for their take on it — and be sure you listen to and consider the advice. (Why would you ever take anyone’s advice?  If they’re giving it away, it means THEY’RE not using it.)

(This just in:  We have just been retweeted on Twatter by Joshua Morrow of The Young and the Rest of Us, for informing him that ninjas?  Should not wear corduroy.  Top THAT, mere mortals.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Would you verb my noun-noun?

Greetings, Extruded Ribcage Impedes Cribbage---

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, August 25, 2010 (You will notice (the two of you who pay any attention, that is) that We have once again skipped right over Tuesday. That is because We are campaigning for a new week, the structure of which is Monday-Wednesday-Friday-Friday-Saturday-Saturday-Sunday.  Every third Monday is a national holiday, and all Fridays are half days.  Due to the confusion this may engender over the location of Hump Day, every day will now be Hump Day, so hump away, harlots!):

(Of course, We wouldn’t hold Our breath waiting for this campaign to work, as We can’t even get people to spread the word about a four-minute video:

)

(Here is some random publicity from the Philly Weekly for the upcoming WaitStaff show in the 2010 Philly Fringe Festival, The Real Housewives of South Philly: http://www.philadelphiaweekly.com/news-and-opinion/College-101-A-Students-Guide-to-Navigating-Philly.html?page=2&comments=1&showAll=   Also, you should know that WaitStaff Fringe shows traditionally sell out, so you will want to get your tickets in advance in your pants in France Vivian Vance.)

(What just happened?  (Apparently, We can’t even do Tourette’s Syndrome properly.  Fu(king motherfu(kers.  (Heh.  See what We did there?)))

(Do you want to hear about the dream in which We mistook Eurotrash for g@ys, or the dream in which We visited Our old apartment, where the new tenants were celebrating Christmas in August?  Here’s some further information to help you decide:  in one of them, the punchline, in Our best Robert Mitchum/William Holden voice, is “A week ago Thursday”, and, in the other one, We are n@ked.)

(We’ll just be waiting right here for your decision. (Or for an explanation of why Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t recognize “punchline” as word.))

 (Our Our-O-Scope:)

You won't be able to contain your 'enthusiasm,' no matter how you try (Just Our luck: one more thing We’re gonna hafta clean up.)

-- and that enthusiasm may be interpreted by less enlightened souls (Less enlightened, are they? Where the hell’s Our flamethrower?)

as impatience, arrogance or outright aggressiveness. (Or possibly insouciance, aspidistra, or HassenPfeffer Incorporated.  Also, what the fu(k are you talking about, Kelli?)

(We just this minute received email from a WorldWideInterWebNetzian dating site.  The subject line was “Eric, Are You Insane?”  Some clue as to the answer would be that Our first thought was, “Why all the capital letters?”)

Fortunately, you won't care. (Now there’s a newsflash.)

Not one little bit. (Nor a whit.  Nor a nit.  Nor a spit of sh1t on yer tit, silly git.)

(What?)

Try not to stick out your tongue when you win the door prize.  (Surely We cannot be the only one who has no earthly clue what the preceding sentence could possibly be expected to mean.)

Step away from the computer, (And what?  Finish this horoscope via telepathy?)

and the person you've been IMing who's definitely, absolutely, positively the love of your life. (Yeah. Okay.  Whatevs.)

Or at least insist on a very, very recent photo. (Of what?)

 It takes two sticks at the right angles to create sparks (Also, it takes two d1cks at right angles to create spunk.  Also also, it takes two hands to handle a Whopper™. (Which is, come (heh) to think of it, just another way of saying the same thing.))

-- or two opposing views, spoken by adamantly uncompromising individuals. (Good old adverbial Adam Ant.)

(That one may sneak up on a few of you…wait for it.  THERE ya go!)

Either way, the end result is the same -- heat!   (That’s the same thing that happens when you mistake your Icy-Hot™ for your Preparation H™.)

 (Your Euro-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com

it’s not just cow, it’s grass)