Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for The Very First Hump Day Of 2013, January 9, 2013. Happy Wednesday Addams to all you Pugsleys out there in GentleReaderLand! No, We have no idea what We’re talking about, and We are even more confused than We are letting on, because, even though We are well aware that today is only Wednesday Addams, every time We think about tomorrow, We assume (thereby making you think of Uma Thurman’s ass) that tomorrow is Friday. The next day, presumably, is Grizzly Adams, followed, naturally, by his son, John Quincy Adams, and his grandson, Adam Ant.
Apparently, We woke up this morning, but Our mind is still in bed. Which should make for a very interesting e-pissode of Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope!
One of Our neighbor is playing some sort of New Age music which is about to drive Us into a coma.
We may also be a little more delusional-confusional than usional because We have spent each of the past three evenings in the company of a different attractive Gentleman Caller. (Don’t get too excited…all three play for the wrong team. But still…go, Us!)
The New Age music has now turned into music One might imagine hearing at a 1950s roller skating rink. We are not so much slipping into a coma as We are going mad.
Speaking of autistic…er, artistic endeavors, here is how you would share Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscopes:Capricorn video with a friend. If you are not going to share it, however, please at least refrain from attempting to thwart Our efforts to do so. KThxBye.:
And here are the HorrorScopes:
Today is Tricky Dick Nixon’s birthday. Speaking of tricks with dicks, it is also Kate Middleton’s birthday. (Is it just Us, or has it been quite a while since We’ve referenced Prince William’s penis? Or Prince Harry naked? (Now We’re going to have to go lie down.))
Honesty is key right now (That’s not true!)
(Sometimes, the level of the humor inhere astounds even Us Our Own Self.)
(This is not one of those times.)
— even if it means hurting someone’s feelings a little bit. (As long as you mean someone ELSE’S feelings. (That IS what you mean, right?))
You need to make sure that you’re not just bulldozing right over them, (Oh, sure. As though anyone could picture Us ever driving a bulldozer. Are We wearing a hardhat? And plaid flannel? Jeebus.)
but the truth is of the utmost importance now. (And the truth, as They say, shall give you fleas.)
(They say such peculiar things, it’s a wonder anyone still listens.)
Music, art and culture make for an excellent escape, (As does random indiscriminate sex. Or so We’ve heard.)
so keep these pastimes in mind when someone or something starts bugging you today. (They already said, the future’s so bright, you got to wear fleas. Which doesn’t make any sense. Maybe They said “fleece”…”the future’s so bright, you got to wear fleece”.)
(Nobody actually WEARS fleece, do they?)
(Mary had a little lamb
Whose fleece was white as snow
It tasted so delicious
That she ate herself some mo’.)
(Why no one lets Us babysit their chirren, We’ll never know.)
Stepping outside of your everyday world and focusing on something that is all about expressing someone else’s ideas is a tonic for your soul. (Our soul would like a GIN and tonic, ThankYouVeryMuch.)
Someone else’s point of view on your particular romantic conundrum (Does anyone else get “conundrum” and “pudenda” mixed up? Just Us? Alrighty, then.)
can help you out of this latest pickle. (Meanwhile, “conundrum” and “pickle” aren’t even remotely the same thing.)
Don’t be stubborn; (“Stubborn” would be Taurus…We are Aries; We’re impatient. Try reading your Astrology For AssHats book a little more often, Kelli.)
ask for their take on it — and be sure you listen to and consider the advice. (Why would you ever take anyone’s advice? If they’re giving it away, it means THEY’RE not using it.)
(This just in: We have just been retweeted on Twatter by Joshua Morrow of The Young and the Rest of Us, for informing him that ninjas? Should not wear corduroy. Top THAT, mere mortals.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.