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Tuesday, January 1, 2013

We’ll take a cup of kindness yet (whatever the hell that means)




Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  GoodPieRupeeToozDay, January 1th, 2012.  Happy Last Day Of Kwanzaa!  Also, Happy Birthday to Tony, who turns twenty-four today. We are once again making history here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!, where We have never before written an e-ntry on January 1th.  But after yesterday’s quandary, We were ever-so-kindly informed that today, not yesterday, was the last day of Holidailies™ (for you naked skimmers, that would be the community writing project in which We have been participating which encourages blogginators to blogginate on a daily basis for the month of December ( http://www.holidailies.org/ )).  Informed, in fact, by The Hostess Of Holidailies™ HerSelf.

(Now that We say it that way (“The Hostess Of Holidailies™ HerSelf”, in case you are hungover.  Or have an unnaturally short attention span.), We are fairly certain that a costume of some sort should be involved.    We cannot as yet viZZZualize exactly what it ought to look like, but We are pretty sure it should involve An Especially Flouncy Skirt and Very Serious Shoes.)

(Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t seem to think that “hungover” is a word.  Which should tell you just exactly how much fun Micro$oft Weird™ had on the next-to-the-last day of Kwanzaa.)

Which brings Us to Our first segue (what’s a segue? About a pound and a half.):  Things We Would Not Know This Morning Without The WorldWideInterWebNetz:

The Word-Of-The-Day is “nudiustertian”, (which Micro$oft Weird™ also fails to recognize).  It means “of or pertaining to the day before yesterday”  which, first of all, is an odd thing for the “word of the day” to mean, and (B.) who the fuck needs a word for that? If you want to say, “isn’t that the shirt you wore the day before yesterday?”, why not just say, “isn’t that the shirt you wore the day before yesterday?”, or, more succinctly, “isn’t that the shirt you wore Sunday?”  Why the fuck would you ever say, “isn’t that your nudiustertian shirt?”  First of all, in all of these instances, We would feel you are entirely too much up in Our Personal business, but in the last, We would be forced to say, “No, it’s Perry Ellis” before punching you right in your pretentious face.

The lovely folks at Amazon™, meanwhile, sent Us an email with the subject line “New Year, New You”, touting all manner of workout equipment and gymwear they have for sale.  Not even twelve hours into the New Year, and Amazon™ is calling Us fat.  Fuck you, Amazon™.

Which brings Us, in an oddly roundabout way (merrily merrily merrily merrily life is such a scream), to Our Main Point.  (What?  You didn’t think We had one?  Oh, ye of little face that only seats three!)  It is a point We feel fairly certain We have made before, although a tiptoe through the tulips of Our archives yielded no evidence of same.  (Said tiptoe through said tulips did, however, convince Us to end Our Holidailies™ participation this year with several e-ncore presentations, representing the last several First-Of-The-Year E-Pisstles.  You’re welcome.)

Oh…Our point?  (Sorry.)  Our point is that the New Year starts in entirely the wrong place.  Why pretend that it’s a brand spanking New Year when it’s the dead of Winter and still cold as the proverbial preacher’s prick outside,  We’re only a few seconds of sunlight past the dreaded shortest day of the year, and We’ve just lived through a way more ostentatious over-the-top holiday just one week ago?  Why not start the New Year instead where the astromalogical year starts, on March 21th, with Aries, when the days are longer, the weather is better, and everyone’s tongue is hanging out for a day off?

We also have a second point.  (We shall pause here, to allow long-time Gentle Readers to retrieve their smelling salts from the credenza.)  This is in regard to New Year’s Resolutions.  Now, we are all in favor of improvement.  Especially as it pertains to Other People.  But if this were (subjunctively) a story with Greek gods in it, like Uranus---

(You do realize that, by “like Uranus”, We meant “Uranus is an example of a Greek god”, not “Uranus is a thing that has Greek gods in it”, didn’t you?  Because if you had Greek gods in Uranus, you would hardly be sitting there reading this nonsense.   (Well, you’d hardly be sitting at all, now, would you?))

(Heh.  We kill Us.)

---at any rate, if Greek gods were involved, and humans started making resolutions, the gods would say, “oh, you don’t like things the way they are?” and then it would be Katie-bar-the-door.  (Whatever the fuck “Katie-bar-the-door” means.  But whatever it is, it isn’t good.)

(No matter how much you hated the preceding, it can’t have been as bad as the Katie Holmes-Tom Cruise joke We just edited out.  You’re welcome.)

Here is the link with which you may share Our Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CAPRICORN video with your friends:


And here are the promised E-ncore Presentations:

I will lay me down

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, New Year’s…what’s the opposite of Eve?  Let’S see…Christmas Eve, Christmas, Boxing Day…New Year’s Eve, New Years, Wrestling Day.  Hot bois in singlets…that’ll work.

Another problem solved…are We a facilitator, or what?  (Who said, “Or what?”  (More to the point, who DIDN’T?  Are there newbies in here?))

Meanwhile, happy birthday to Joe, who turns twenty-four today.  Joe, for those of you who are unaware, is the creative viZZZionary genius who makes Us look so good in this:


You can share it with your friends using this:


And you SHOULD.  We can’t pimp Our Own Self; that’s just whoring in Sunday clothes.  (We just made up the saying “whoring in Sunday clothes”. We confirmed that by Googling it on Wikipedia and getting no hits.  Now watch, next week they’ll be saying it on Saturday Night Live.  And will they pay Us royalties?  NOOOOOOOO….)

Speaking of pimping Us out, why’n’t’cha make it a New Years Revolution to introduce Erix Daily Horoscope to say, one new person every month?  We’ve been checking Our increasingly-more-fascinating Google-O-Meter™ stats, most recently in response to a comment from Our daughter.  But let Us share that directly:


2 comments:

TJ said...
All of these mentions of Charlene Tilton are amusing. I hope they keep resulting in page hits. Or something like that. (Said your daughter with insomnia, who is different than you daughter NAMED insomnia.)
Eric said...
My daughter NAMED Insomnia is the black sheep of the family.

(Heh. See what I did there?)

The stats on this thing are amazing; even when I don't write for days, someone is always reading it. And not the most recent entries, either. The original Charlene Tilton entry is up to 287 hits:http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2010/07/i-could-have-spread-my-legs-and-eaten.html. And this recent onehttp://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2011/11/madness-takes-its-tollplease-have-exact.html has 208.

It's a weird wild wacky wonderful WorldWideInterWebNetz out there!

All of which is fascinating information, and why do so few of YouPeople ever comment?

Apropos of nothing, it occurred to Us that “gay-for-pay” and “gay toupee” are two entirely different things.


And now, Charlene Tilton’s in the kitchen with Dinah Shore.  Which must be rather unpleasant for her, as Dinah Shore’s been dead for damn near thirty years.  Of course, maybe all of yesterday’s New Year’s sauerkraut is covering up the smell.  Alternatively, The HorrorScope:

Your fiery nature is totally energized right now, (Indeed.  We had sauerkraut, black-eyed peas, and kielbasa yesterday.  If We were (subjunctively) you, We wouldn’t be standing behind Us and Our “fiery nature” on any elevators any time soon.)

(Oh, good lord.  The first horoscope of 2012, and already a fart joke.  This doesn’t bode well.)

and you should find that it’s easier than ever to score new finds and make exciting discoveries.  (How many of you just now got the “gay-for-pay/gay toupee” joke?)

Things are definitely going your way!  (Only when We’re standing in traffic.)

The time for exploring new places (Uranus?)

and new ideas has come (Heh.  Kelli said “come”.)

— so tune into your wanderlust and get traveling!  (Okay, could We get a little round of applause here please?  A ONE WORD Uranus joke?  Are We a highly-trained professional, or what?  (Shaddup.))

Plan a trip to a foreign land. (Uranus?)

(Ooops, We did it again.)

Being intrigued by new people (To say nothing of nude people.  (Sshhhh…say nothing.))

and new cultures will energize you (We are so completely energized, We are practically a bunny.  Or at least people keep trying to shove size D batteries up Our ass. (We keep going, and going, and…))

to a point that you might finally understand what you really need to be doing with your life. (So, is becoming Queen of Rumania out of the question?)

The blinders are coming off. (Uh-oh.  Helen Keller is gonna be pissed about all those jokes We’ve been telling about her.  (WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!))

 You are opening your mind to new ways of living, and although not every discovery is a revelation, most are at least terribly interesting.  (We had an open mind once.  Everything fell out.)

 You’re in dire need of some culture today, and yogurt doesn’t count. (Oh, look.  Kelli tried to make a funny.  You’d better leave that stuff to the professionals, Asshat, you might hurt yourself.)

Open your mind and heart to the beauty of art. (Who is this “Art” of whom you speak?  Art Linkletter, Art Garfunkel…can anybody think of an Art who’s under 70?  Anybody?  Bueller?)

'Cause tonight we're gonna party like it's 1929

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here. I’ve hijacked Eric’s Daily Horoscope for the first installment of the year as a harbinger, if you will (or even if you won’t), of exciting changes to come. (For those of you toddling off toward the liquor cupboard, “harbinger” is NOT short for “Harvey Wallbanger”. (Although, as a Harvey Wallbanger does have orange juice in it, if you’re going to drink at 10:30 in the morning, at least no one else will have to know.))

Speaking of You Americans and your strange expressions, I was surfing the Internets earlier and I found myself in a quandary:  is it “up AN Adam” or “up IN Adam”?  (Not that I expect any response.  I mean, what can you do with an entire country full of people who don’t know how to pronounce “Uranus”?)

I do realise that you are probably wondering where Eric is, and whether I’ve done him a mischief.  The poor dear is still fast asleep, exhausted from the dizzying whirlwind of his glamorous holiday social life.  And, lest you fear that I intend to run garrulously on like Mrs. Garrett (despite the fact that I do indeed know all the facts of life), I shall now introduce an encore presentation of some Eric’s Daily Horoscopes from the past (one of which happens to be All. About. MEEEEE!)

Many of you will have no doubt been annoyed, as was I, by the brouhaha over this year’s New Years Day being 1/1/11.  This issue was first addressed by Eric’s Daily Horoscope, always on the cutting edge, all the way back on 6/6/06, with further references on 8/8/08 and 9/9/09.  All of those installments follow this paragraph.  Till we meet again, ducks, keep your eyes on the stars and don’t stop looking for Uranus.

 Starzina

Tiny bubbles…
Greetings, Excrement Resentment Interment Cement---
(Sounds like a French art film, no?  And, just in case it doesn’t sound like that to YOU (Philistine) here it is in FRENCH:  Le ressentiment des excréments inhumation Ciment.  Because WE can work Our WorldWideInterWebNetz like nobody’s business.  Got Ourselves one o’ them accent thingies over the excrement and everythang.  You would think somebody would be THRILLED to give Us a jawb.)

(Apropos of nothing, here is Charo performing on the Jerry Lewis Muscular Dystrophy Telethon.  Which totally sounds like the punchline of a joke, until you see the video.  Now THAT’S comedy:  http://perezhilton.com/2009-09-07-charo-does-rihanna )



(So We totally forgot to say:

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, 09/09/09  (And We would wish you a Happy Hump Day, but, this being a holiday week, it is a Week Without A Hump.  Not that WE would know the difference, but still.):

(Meanwhile, all this FUSS about 09/09/09 (which, if you are missing said fuss, see here:http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20090908/sc_livescience/why090909issospecial ).  This led Us to wondering why We don’t recall similar fusses over, say, 08/08/08 (TCBITWWW’s birthday) or 05/05/05 (The Sainted Mother’s birthday) (Parenthetically (he said, starting a whole new set of parentheses), they are two of the four people who actually READ these Epistles to the Epistleless.)  So, as We possess archival versions of Eric’s Daily Horoscope back to 2004 (We actually have PART of 2003, but (A.) not as far back as 03/03/03, and (2.) hotmail won’t let Us open them.), We did a little research on your behalfs (We’ll leave out what We did to your bewholes.).  04/04/04 apparently fell on a weekend, and thus was not memorialized in these pages. 05/05/05 was celebrated as The Sainted Mother’s birthday and nothing else.  For 07/07/07, We were apparently on vacation.  06/06/06 and 08/08/08 are reproduced here for your nostalgic enjoyment and edification.  (“Edification” meaning, of course, “to be made more like Ed”, although who the h3ll Ed is, We haven’t got any idea.))

(But first, try saying “Epistleless” a coupla times.  Fun, no?)

(HERE IS 06/06/06, WHEREIN THE PECULIARITY OF THE DATE IS AT LEAST 
REFERENCED:

Greetings, Express Regret In Ceylonese—

Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, June 6 (Happy 6/6/6 to one and all! Also, happy D-Day. Also also, welcome back from Inja to Mister Bill, who I hope by this point has been appropriately disinfected, or whatever it is one does to people who have been shipped off to Third World countries against their will. Let’s eat sacred cow together soon. Also also also, happy birthday to Bill (this would be a totally different Bill) who turns twenty-four today. He is not on the Eric’s Daily Horoscope distribution list (and why not, I should like to know), but his wife is, and perhaps she will pass along these birthday wishes. Who knows, she may have already purchased him his very own birthday copy of Eric’s Daily Horoscope 2004/2005, available at an e-store near you.http://www.lulu.com/content/250689 ):

That certain someone has always been intriguing. (Couldja be a little more specific? I am intrigued by so many someones. Of course, I am also easily distracted by bright shiny objects. What were we talking about?)

Maybe it's time to schedule a grown-up play date. (Maybe it’s way PAST time. Of course, this is hampered by the fact that I don’t happen to know any grownups. Also by the difficulty of arranging the “consenting” part of “consenting adults”. Sigh.)

Stimulating company is always good for the grey matter (This is, presumably, just another way of saying “Go fu(k your brains out”.)
-- not to mention your social life. (Mmm-hmm. My social life, unicorns, the Loch Ness monster…you can mention them all you like, it doesn’t make them so.)

There is no point in trying to be everyone's best friend -- it's an unpleasant fact of life that not everyone will always like you. (Yet one more proof that the world is full of stupid people.)

More importantly, you don't need everyone to like you. (Well, duh. I’d be EXHAUSTED. Could they like me one at a time on alternate evenings?)

After all, if you want to win a popularity contest, it's all about pleasing others and living up to their expectations, (Fu(k THAT noise.)
and that's not going to get you anywhere in the long run. (Meanwhile, when was the last time anyone actually saw ME “run”?)

Stick to your path and don't worry if you ruffle a few feathers along the way. (It’s like I always say…you can’t make an omelet without plucking a few chickens. Speaking of dinner, there are signs all over the place outside of the EAC that say “Found a cat” with a phone number. No DESCRIPTION of said cat, or any other pertinent information. That cat is SOOO gonna wind up Chinese food. Mmmm….moo goo gai pu$$y.)

They'll get over it, so you should get on with it! (Oh, Kelli! I take back every nasty thing I’ve ever said about you. That is BRILLIANT…I may have to have T-shirts made.)

Caution: The charm level you've got now could be dangerous! (Obviously. Why, cute bois are practically falling over each other to get into my orbit. Speaking of cute bois, my own personal day started with a voice message from TCBITWWW, so the day can’t be all bad. (It is difficult to stay in touch with people when you work completely opposite schedules. However, as I am constantly pointing out, one can call my cell phone any time; if I am sleeping, I will not hear it. (As I am also constantly pointing out, one can answer an email I’ve sent any time too, with even LESS chance of waking me up. (Let us now take wagers on that last bit being any more than f@rts in the wind.(Whatever DID happen to My New Str8 Boyfriend???)))))

Deploy it with some serious thought only -- what's just a friendly flirtation on your part could be a major heartthrob on theirs. (And wouldn’t THAT be nice for a change?)

(AND HERE IS 08/08/08, JUST BECAUSE IT AMUSED US:

Greetings, Earwigs Rebelliously Ingest Cerumen---

(<…Your third grade teacher’s voice…>If you don’t KNOW a word, look it up.<…/Your third grade teacher’s voice…>)

(Eric’s Daily Horoscope: Not JUST a pretty face.  Since 2001.)

Here is your horoscope for Friday, August 8 (Happy birthday to TCBITWWW, who turns twenty-four today.  Of course, he’s accomplishing that at 77 Sunset Strip, or Barbie’s Malibu Beach House, or Melrose Place, or one of those other fictional Left Coast places that the media would have Us believe actually exist, so he actually remains perpetually three hours younger than the rest of Us.  Of course, at least the Californiancian time difference is comprehensible by a reasonably functional human brain, unlike the time difference in China (especially the Korean part of China), where it’s actually a different DAY right now.  (I believe it’s the Day of the Hedgehog.  Tomorrow is the Day of the Cat.  The next day, naturally, is the Day of the Steamed Dumpling (Hey, Where’d The Cat Go?))):

(Oh. My .G0d.  Shut UP, Ralph Nader.)

(Long-time Eric’s Daily Horoscope readers (and I *DO* mean LOOOOOOONG-time) may recall a brief episode where We were about to be “syndicated” (heh) in a webzine which, unfortunately, never got off the ground.  We had intended to adopt a nom de plume (see also: pseudonym (see also: pen name (noto bene:  “pen name” is different from “that pet name you have for your p3nis”))) for said enterprise, and had even gone so far as to create a bio for the new persona (no need to go look up “persona”; it’s just Eye-talian for “person”).  I reproduce said bio herewith (no need to go look up “herewith”; it’s a stupid lawyer word that doesn’t actually mean anything):

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

(Now, astute readers among you (and how long has it been since anybody read a good stute?  They just don’t write stutes the way they used to, do they?) will be wondering what the h3ll any of this has to do with the price of p33 in China?  And to both of you I say: I don’t think they DO watersports in the Olympics.  However, I *DID* mention earlier in the week that We would be taking Our horoscopical show on the proverbial road; you now have another piece of information regarding same.)

(Speaking of horoscopes, it is probably time We started one.)

On most days, you're happy to engage with all comers, friend and foe alike. (Sometimes, Kelli’s observations are so filthy, dirty, and vulgar that I need add nothing whatsoever.  This would be one of those times.  

(Meanwhile, is anyone else imagining the law firm of Filthy, Dirty, and Vulgar, or is it just me?  Just me?  Alrighty, then.))

Today, though, you'd rather take time for yourself and think things through. (If I think things are through, why would I keep thinking about them?)

It's a good day for self-reflection.  (Oh, honey, no.  Just no.  I *HAVE* mirrors in my house, and trust me.  No.)

Be careful not to run yourself too ragged, right now. (Dass me, Raggedy Amos and Raggedy Andy.  (What?))

You have been working at an exceptionally fast pace lately, (At least on the cellular level.  My mitochondria, for instance, are all a-twitter.  (That was a science nerd joke.  The rest of you can move along, there’s nothing to see here.))

and there is no real reason for you to continue running around like this. (Wonderful.  TAXI!!!)

You can still get things done by whatever deadlines have been imposed. (See, I’ve always thought that, if there’s a deadline, by the time it arrives, somebody should be dead.  I have a list of nominees, if anybody’s interested.)

It's time to slow up and simmer down! (Pushy b1tch.)

Take off your running shoes and put on some slippers (My Cinderella complex, let me showz it to you.)

-- you deserve some mellow relaxation. (Have you never BEEN mellow?  Have you never tri-i-i-i-ed?  (Just a little Olivia Newton-John moment for all my good friends here at Eric’s Daily Horoscope.  Let’s have some General Foods International Coffee™, shall we?   Here have a Xanax™….))

It's not only good for your mental state, (It’s also FAAAAABULOUS for your mental police state.)

it's going to be good for your wallet too.  (Okay, we were talking about relaxing, right?  And if One’s wallet were (subjunctively) to relax, presumably whatever money One had managed to keep in there during the disastrous Dumbya economy would go flying out, which would, again presumably, have a negative effect on One’s own personal relaxation.  Because words, Kelli you ignorant flea-bitten chancrous addled-brained c00terhead, have MEANINGS.  Look ‘em up, g0dd@mmit, in your fu(kin’ Funk & Wagnalls.)

Feeling introverted? (YES I AM, YOU FU(KING FU(KTARD, WHAT THE H3LL IS IT TO YA?  (Heh. See what I did there?))

Start turning all your energy outward to make a bigger impact. (Why the h3ll didn’t *I* think of that?)

Coming out of your shell may seem impossible, (But you can’t make an omelet without breaking some legs.)

but the more you spend time along, (Jigga WHAT?)

the less likely you'll be meeting people and having fun. (Oh, “spend time ALONE”.  Which is what it would’ve said if this dizzy b1tch had an actual EDITOR.  Why *I* don’t collect a paycheck for this, I’ll never know.)

Get out there! (Shut the fu(k up!  Cowhead!)

(AND NOW, 09/09/09:

Go over it one more time in your head, (Or whatever other body part has a vacancy.)
 if you're still trying to work out where you went wrong with someone. (Or, more to the point, went wrong with everyone.)
You are being given a chance by the Universe to really mull over the facts, and to focus on your communication skills within all your most important one-to-one relationships.  (This does not bode well for what happens after We finish this horoscope and have time and communication devices to kill…)
Some Aries are going to find that the current cycle brings an ex back into your life - not necessarily for a reconciliation, it could be just so you can get closure. (We are ALL for that.  Especially if the closure involves a car door and their naughty bits.)
All in all though, work hard on figuring out where you're going wrong in relationships, as much as where you're going right!  (Oh, please.  If slamming the door on their d1cks is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.)
(Thank Chr1st THAT was short and sweet, after all that blast-from-the-past entertainment!  Here come YOUR-O-Scopes.)

Bay-Bee, it’s cold outside
Greetings, Eccentric Rapist Instigates Chastity---

Here is your horoscope for Monday, January 04, 2010 (Well, happy d@mn new year, y’all. And happy Monday. Poised though We are to go all New Millennium on yo’ @sses and enter the Blog-O-Sphere, We just couldn’t ask you to cope with one more new and different thing on this heinous back-to-the-office Monday. Particularly as We lolled about (which, We should point out, is not at all the same thing as “LOLed about”) in Our ever-so-cozy bed while all y’all slogged through the frigidity. You’re welcome.):

(We would make some effort to recap Our Christmas shenanigans at this juncture, but that would be a week and a half’s worth of updates. Why, the bizarre dreams alone would be a novella. A telenovella. Stella’s telenovella. Stella’s telenovella, with some fella’s umbrella, smell a vanilla patella, Stella.)

(You DID sing that last bit, didn’t you? If not, We’ll wait while you go back. (To the tune of “The Name Game” for the musical ‘tards amongst you…ready, set, go! (See? Isn’t your Monday just a little bit brighter already? You’re welcome…AGAIN. (And what have YOU done for US lately?))))

(Those of you who are unwilling or unable to accept the bastardized pronunciation of “vanilla” as “vanella” can just go back and rewrite the whole thing for Us, starring Magilla Gorilla. Also, you can kiss Our grits. Which have been conveniently shoved up Our @ss. (Hey, it’s a new year, and We have turned over a new leaf. Unfortunately for you, it was poison ivy.))

(Also, We know you are waiting with bated breath (and, parenthetically (hence (say it with Us) the parentheses), We are aware that long-time Eric’s Daily Horoscope readers have certainly assimilated the correctness of “bated breath” versus the incorrectivity of (and, indeed, disgustingancigation of) “baited breath”. Indeed, We are WELL aware, as We recall just how very long a time We had to wait for you to master “bated breath”.)…

(We’re gonna pause right in mid-parenthetical for a rousing SEE WHAT WE DID THERE?)

…for Our promised revitalization (there were no parentheses at the beginning because it was a continuation of the preceding parenthetical. Try to keep up. Jeebus!) of Our archival versions. Soon, Glasshoppah, velly soon. But if you’d like to whet your appetite (or wet your whistle, or whittle your…well, never mind), go here: http://www.lulu.com/epsingel .)

(And now, like sands through the hourglass, (or, alternatively, like sh1t through a goose), these are the Dayz of Our Livez…)

Your work, health and daily routines are highlighted by the Moon today. (Well, when the Moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, what the h3ll does that even MEAN?)

Take a moment to consider how fulfilled you are from one day to the next. (Mmm-hmm. NOT a good idea. One moment, We’re “taking a moment to consider”; next thing ya know, We’re “heading to the belltower with an Uzi”.)

Are you getting enough time to eat well (Oh, please…have you SEEN Our @ssz lately? (Well, clearly it’s impossible to see it all at the same time. We now have a tattoo on it that says “To be continued”. We had hired a midget to follow Us about with a wheelbarrow, but We forgot Ourself and sat down. Fortunately, the midget was able to get out, but he left the wheelbarrow up there. (We’re a little pressed for time…if We just tell you that there’s supposed to be a “valet parking” joke here, can you fill it in your own selves? KThxBye.)))

and rest deeply? (Well, not as deep as the wheelbarrow.)

(Heh. We kill Us.)

Does your current schedule give you space to enjoy quality time with those you love? (Clearly, “quality time” is a euphemism. You decide for what.)

Efficiency is the name of the game today (No. No, it isn’t. As We have clearly already established, the name of the game today is either “Stella” or “Magilla Gorilla”, depending on how you choose to pronounce “vanilla”. Try to pay some g0dd@mn attention.)

so if you need time or space to rework a more practical routine, take it. (Somehow, that makes Us think of baton twirling. There’re two brain cells We’ll never get back.)

Colleagues are more supportive of your shifting priorities than you realize. (Well, maybe, but We sure did p1ss off the midget.)

(Heh.)

 HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.