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Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Better keep your hands off my potential new boyfriend

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for TuesdayWeldsCornAndIDon’tCare, January 29, 2013.

Our InterNetz just informed Us that:

Tuesday is the director’s cut of Monday.

You’re welcome.

Meanwhile, you will recall that We were off in search of a piece of equipment (oh, get your minds out of the gutter) for a project whose deadline is looming (We really don’t mean to be so coy about this, but Our desire not to jinx things by talking about them is at war with Our loathing of suffering in silence.  Also, it’s not called “YouPeople’s! Daily! Horoscope!”, so deal and cope, bitches.).  We did in fact trundle Our capacious behind all the way to Radio Shack, where the lonely Maytag repairman in charge of the empty store seemed to know not of what We spoke, then off to Best Buy, where Our choices were limited to exactly one, which We confirmed was correct with someone who worked there, and didn’t Best Buy used to have really bright employees?

FYI Both of these stores, and, in fact, all the stores surrounding them were practically empty, so, if you wanted to get a head start on your 2013 Christmas shopping, next Monday at 2 o’clock in the afternoon would seem to be a good time to do it.  You’re welcome.

We came home, tested Our equipment (did that sound dirty?  We didn’t mean it to), which worked, and did some research.  Today, We have to do the actual project.

We are guessing that most of Our Gentle Readers do not have the option to walk to a Best Buy.  On the other hand, We are confident that they are not jealous, because how much good does it do you to be able to walk to a Best Buy when you want to purchase a flat-screen TV?

Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:

And here are the HorrorScopes:

What a crazy day for birthdays!  On the website from which We obtain such information, the top five celeb birthdays of the day are Oprah, Tom Selleck, Adam Lambert, Sara Gilbert, and President William McKinley.  That’d be some dinner party!  Well, except for McKinley, who probably wouldn’t eat much. Or have much to say.  And would probably smell.  On second thought, let’s not invite him.  We’ll ask Ann Jillian instead.  That’s practically the same thing.

This is one of those days when YouPeople all WISH you were Us, innit?

Take one positive step toward better health today — or more, if you feel it! (Oh, please.  Feel THIS.  Then, go look on Mapquest to see where We hadda walk yesterday to get to Radio Shack and Best Buy (with Our first-ever stop at Shop Rite on the way back, because We needed sustenance and the Ack-A-Me was out of the way).  Don’t you tell Us about “one positive step”.  AssHat.)

Now is the best possible time to make sure that you’re feeling better for the coming times of strife and action!   (Oh, goody!  There’s strife to look forward to!)

The people in power are relying on your discernment to help them make the right decisions. (Then the people in power are, how you say, fucked.  Discernment?  Us?  Seriously?)

 Do not hold back how you really feel, (No fuckin’ shit, bitch!)

but you might want to consider softening your harshest feelings with a gloss of charm and diplomacy.  (And We are nothing if not charming and diplomatic.  Especially when We are wearing lip gloss.)

You are becoming a very valuable collaborator. (Which is totally different than a very collectible vibrator.  Trust Us. We won’t make THAT mistake again.)

Like a lighthouse in a foggy night,  (Or, like a metaphor in a morass of moronic verbiage.)

you will serve as a life-saving beacon to some important and very confused people today.   (Well, bacon is good and all, but We’re not sure how it could save somebody’s life.  (Confused?  Who’s confused?))

Your instincts are right on target, so speak up if and when you smell a rat.  (See, “smell a rat” is one of those colorful old sayings that has somewhat lost its potency.  Perhaps it could be reinvigorated by being updated to “smell a rat’s ass”.)

(You’re welcome.)

Life is totally hectic right now, (We are too busy to stop and argue with you.)

but that doesn’t mean you have to wallow in your own schedule. (But may We root in Our own schedule for truffles?  Mais oui?)

Block out some time to do something you love.   (Wait…did Johnny Depp rescind the restraining order?)

Whether it’s trawling the dating sites or getting a massage, treat yourself. (Well, first off, if going on dating sites is really your idea of Us “treating Ourself”, perhaps “trawling” is a poor word choice.  And Dinah Manoff, if We’re getting a massage, someone else is treating Us, unless We’re paying for it, in which case, We can be treated better than just a massage.  If you know what We mean.  And We think you do.  Slut.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.