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Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Bubbles, bubbles, bubbles, OH!

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WhinesDay, January Tooth, 2012.  Our calendar informs Us that, in addition to being a Bank Holiday in Scotland, it is something called “New Year’s Day (Observed)” in New Zealand.   The hell?  A little slow in New Zealand, are they?  “Hey, Myrtle, it looked like a new year started yesterday, but we’d better give it a second day, just to be sure.”

Happy Birthday to Robby, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, Happy Birthday to Joe, who also turns twenty-four today.  Which means that Robby and Joe were born on the same day.  Which would seem to happen a lot around here, but which, in this case, happens to be true.  The truth being, of course, relative.  Just not any of OUR relatives.

Joe, some of you will realize, is the artistic force behind Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscopes.  In honor of the anniversary of his nativity, perhaps you could each share his most recent opus with a friend:

Or possibly revisit what We consider his crowning achievement to date:

Or buy him a fuckin’ cupcake, fercrissakes.  It’s January Tooth, and there’s not a holiday in sight until Martin Luther king Day. (For which, We might add, We have all of Our shopping done.)

Meanwhile, from the Reasons We Should Never Be Allowed On The WorldWideInterWebNetz So Early In The Morning Department, We chanced to notice on Twatter that “Justin Bieber” was trending.  (What are the odds?)  So, being An Inquiring Mind Who Wants To Know, We went investigating to find out if there was a special reason why.  Turns out, someone allegedly asked him, “If you weren’t named Justin Bieber, what would you name yourself?”  To which The Biebster allegedly responded, “I’d name myself Bubbles.  Bubbles Bieber.”

Now, if he ACTUALLY said that, We might feel compelled to take back every mean thing We’ve ever said about him.  Including, but not limited to, this:

Meanwhile, from the The Best Writers Use The Fewest Words Department, this quote, which requires no explanation, just in from OurPatrickWhoArtInGreaterBostonia:

“Don’t poop in the temple.”

And here, without further ado ado to you and you and you, are the HorrorScopes:

Meanwhile, the entire country is no doubt wondering how they can possibly be made to go back to work on Gabrielle Carteris’s birthday.

You feel frustrated — again — (Well, DUH.  We woke up, didn’t We?)

but you may not know what you want to do next. (Which would be frustrating, no?)

It’s a good time for you to step up and see if your friends can help with the little details which are getting confusing.  (Ah, the little details.  Life, libertines, and the pursuit of crappiness.)

A recent scare regarding your health will be proven to have been nothing today, (So, wait…it’s SUPPOSED to look like that?!?)

but you should not take the good news as a recommendation for the way you’ve been choosing to or not to exercise. (Hey, We lift weights.  Didn’t We just say We got out of bed this morning?)

Getting up and going isn’t as hard as you think — it just starts with one baby step. (Oh, no, ya don’t!  You’re not fooling Us with THAT again!  You step on ONE baby, and just SEE how the public turns on you!)

Skip the cheese  (We don’t care how many times you say “skip the cheese”, you’re never going to make it a thing.)

once in a while on your sandwich, opt for the fat free milk in your coffee and try taking the stairs at least twice a week.  (How the hell else would We get to bed?)

Little changes can create results, big changes can transform your life.  (You’re trying to pretend that’s a saying.  That is not a saying.  “Little pitchers have big ears” is a saying.  No one knows what it MEANS, but it’s still a saying.  “Weebles™ wobble but they don’t fall down” is a saying.  It means that Weebles™ wobble, but they don’t fall down.  Any child knows that. “Don’t poop in the temple” is a saying, at least as of this morning.  Try to keep up.)

Tell your inner critic to hush when meeting new people now. (Is anyone else viZZZualizing whichever one of Gene Siskel or Roger Ebert is still alive with his thumbs up Our ass now, or is it just Us?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

You’re inclined to judge a tiny bit harshly, (We do not judge harshly, you addled-brained smelly protoplasmic sack of excuse for a cretinous retard’s excrement-encrusted orifice.)

(Heh.  SWWDT?)

and the fact of the matter is, there may be more here than meets the eye — maybe a lot more.  (Not only that, but One or more of Us may be eyeing the meat.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.