Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday, January 25, 2013. Well, you will no doubt be passionately indifferent to hear that We did in fact spend yesterday in the studio, slaving and toiling over the next e-pissode of Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope. And, along with Our crack team of Highly-Trained Professionals (you can tell they are professionals because they are highly-trained enough to bring their own crack), We also mapped out the rest of the season. Oh, the cinematic treats We have in store for YouPeople!
Exhausted by all that ebb and flow of creative juices, We have so far this morning cleaned out the cabinet where We keep Our coffee cups and tea.
In other news, may We please stick a fork in the non-word “realness”, particularly in any situation in which it is being “served” with a made-up adjective in front of it? KThxBye.
Hey, YouKidz, get off Our lawn!
Meanwhile, We have somehow made it through the first month of winter. The middle month, of course, is the most difficult, because there’s still another month after that. Seasonal Affective Disorder? What Seasonal Affective Disorder?
Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:
And here are the HorrorScopes:
Who’s afraid of Virginia Woolf’s birthday? I am, George, I am.
We are so fucking cultured, We could just shit.
The small stuff really starts to add up (Thank CHRIST We have an abacus.)
— though you wish it would just drift away. (Please do not say “drift” on a day on which They are threatening snow. AssHat.)
By now, you’ve got quite a few little errands and details to take care of before you can move on to the fun stuff. (Wait…there’s gonna be fun stuff?)
If you have been having money woes lately, (Woes? Whoa!)
they probably have much less to do with saving than they have to do with spending (Or simply with not having any.)
— you might be focusing on fixing the wrong problem. (Note to Self: buy PowerBall™ ticket.)
Take a look at where you money is going (“You money”? What is this, Ebonics Day?)
— are you throwing it out the window, (Is there some universe in which you could picture Us throwing money out a window? We bend over for a penny. (To pick it up…getcher mind out da gutter, HomeSlice.))
(We are Hooked On Ebonics.)
or investing in things? (Oh, by all means, yes, lettuce go invest in some things.)
(Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us to know that, instead of “lettuce go”, We should choose either “lettuce goes” or “lettuces go”. Ninja please.)
Get objective, third party insight, preferably from a professional. (Preferably from a HIGHLY-TRAINED professional…try to keep up.)
Your friends would love to help, but they just don’t truly understand what the situation is. (So you’re saying We need smarter friends?)
Plus, it’s not wise to mix business and pleasure. (It’s also not wise to mix bleach and chocolate pudding…what’s your point?)
It’s pretty much impossible to keep track of everything today. (Pessimistic defeatist bitch.)
You’re only human, after all. (Monkey pee, monkey poo.)
(We have no idea where that came from.)
If someone’s on your case for being imperfect, it’s time to take a step back. (You know DASS right…dey bess get to steppin’.)
Maintain that all-important sense of perspective. (Please, Escher, don’t hurt ‘em.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.