All I want for Christmas is vous

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for SayerDee, December 15, 2012.  Happy Birthday to Chris, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, Happy Birthday to Max, who also turns twenty-four today.  Also also, Happy Birthday to Kate, who also also turns twenty-four today. And lassoed but not leased, Happy Birthday to Our future ex-husband Joey, who also turns twenty-four today.

Here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!, while We are certainly wont to go on for several paragraphs about How We Broke A Nail, We tend to leave actual natural disasters and human tragedies to pundits more weighty and ponderous than Our Own Self.  However, in the wake of yesterday’s catastrophic events in Connecticut, We would just like to say, thank Gawd for SitOnMyFaceBook, which offered almost immediate comfort by providing Paula Deen’s reaction to the tragedy.  (She was opposed, in case you were wondering.)

http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y

We are sure that Heavy Metal Dance Fag went brilliantly last night. Here is where to get tickets for tonight’s performance, should any be inexplicably still available:

http://www.annenbergcenter.org/tickets/?id=265#

This just in from Helen Keller’s Twitter account:

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

Even I'm getting annoyed with Christmas music at this point.

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

#AmITheOnlyOneThat sucks at musical chairs?

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

Not a big fan of watching Christmas movies. I don't know what it is.

And now, because it is Christmastime, fercrissakes, and We have Things To Do, but We’re still trying to post every day for Holidailies™, the following is an encore presentation of an Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! from Decemebr 15, 2011.  (Be grateful.  You are being spared a long story of a dream in which We moved to Pocatello, Idaho.  (And no, We’re NOT making that up.)):

Police towed my car

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ThirtySomething, December 15, 2011.  Happy birthday to Chris, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, happy birthday to Max, who does not.

So it’s ten days till Christmas.  Or it’s nine days till Christmas Eve.  Or, to be technically correct,  it’s Christmas Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve. Eve was weak, and We can see your dirty pillows. (Goodness gracious, she ejaculated, it’s only the first paragraph, and already We’ve had Christopher Walken and Piper Laurie. What’s next, Jonathan Frid?  (We racked what passes for Our brain to come up with a third celebrity to put there, and the best We could do was Jonathan Frid. Because Charlie Sheen is overexposed, and Charlene Tilton would just be gratuitous at this point. (Meanwhile, how many of you counted the “Eve”s earlier in the paragraph to make sure We didn’t make a mistake?    You MIGHT want to tell Santa to bring you a life for Christmas.)))

Does anyone else have trouble remembering how many Ps there are in Ryan Phillippe, or is it just Us?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.

You are no doubt wondering where We have been.  Because naturally you spend your every waking moment preoccupied with Us and Our life.  Well, let’S see.   On Toozdee, We had an early morning eye appointment, which was, for those of you familiar with the geography of the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, at approximately 20^th and Spring Garden.  We SEPTAd Our way there, sat through the entire boring affair (including almost an entire episode of The View in the waiting area…people actually WATCH this?!?), and then walked into town to do some Christmas shopping.  We then started walking the bus route back to Casa de Crackwhore, but no bus ever came, so essentially We walked from 20^th and Spring Garden to OurHouseWhereWeLive.  How We remain the same size as OurHouseWhereWeLive, We’ll never know.

On Humpdee, Himself and his little friends The WaitStaff had to trek to the McMansionLand that is North Jersey to entertain at a corporate holiday party (which was held, for those who truly follow along, here: http://springlakegolfclub.net/ ) . Imagine fifty or sixty drunken Republicans with entirely too much money, to whom entertainers are clearly eighteenth-class citizens, and who have never seen a HO-ma-seck-shool up close before.  Yeah, that kind of show.  Add on that, with travel time included, the day went from 10AM to 7PM. Fortunately, a check is forthcoming.

Speaking of the WaitStaff, they continue to rehearse their dingles to the berry to give YouPeople The Perfect Christmas Sketch Comedy Show, and they hope to See You Next Tuesday, December 20^th, at 8PM at Helium Comedy Club for The Real Housewives of South Philly Occupy Xmas.  Tickets can be obtained here:  https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/897 and make an excellent early Christmas gift for those difficult-to-buy-for people on your Christmas list .

In the meantime, to whet your appetite, you could go watch this.  If you haven’t already.  And you haven’t. We know, because We see you when you’re sleeping.  And you drool.  And not in a cute way.

You could also share it with your friends.  It’s the least you could do.  No, really, the very least.  Considering all We do for you:

http://youtu.be/e2dPKHOC8RI

And now, Christopher Walken, Piper Laurie, Jonathan Frid, and Charlene Tilton in a remake of I Love Lucy.  Or the HorrorScope:

You need to indulge your competitive side today — even more so than usual — and that could mean that you’re eyed with suspicion by those nearby.  (Those nearby today will include Our dentist and the WaitStaff.  Is there a competition of which We are unaware?)

Things start to get weird later, (So things are perfectly normal now?  Good to know.)

 but for now, you’re all good.  (We hate that almost as much as We hate “it is what it is.”)

Things are really starting to simmer in your life — are you ready for the heat? (If you can’t stand the heat, regrout in your kitchen.  (What does that even MEAN?))

Because as what you want moves closer to you, it’s moving away from someone else.  (Wow.  That is so very Zen.  Snatch this pebble from my snatch, Glasshoppah.)

This person could make things a bit sticky for you for a little while, (Wait…are you saying that’s a BAD thing?)

but you don’t need to worry too much about that. (Sticky is GOOD.  Sticky is also a character in Our version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.)

It is much wiser to simply embrace all your newly found and richly deserved adventures.  (And We are nothing if not wise.)

Just concentrate on having a good time.  (Didn’t We already say “dentist”?  Pay attention.  Bee-yotch.)

If love makes the world go ‘round, you’re at the very hub of that wheel.  (Was that a fat joke?)

Keep it spinning wildly by acting on impulse, creating a hubbub or carrying out a daring feat in the realm of romance. (Hub, hubbub…see what she did there?  Neither do We.)

 (You’re Your-O-Scopes:

 

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Police towed my car

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ThirtySomething, December 15, 2011.  Happy birthday to Chris, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, happy birthday to Max, who does not.

So it’s ten days till Christmas.  Or it’s nine days till Christmas Eve.  Or, to be technically correct,  it’s Christmas Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve. Eve was weak, and We can see your dirty pillows. (Goodness gracious, she ejaculated, it’s only the first paragraph, and already We’ve had Christopher Walken and Piper Laurie. What’s next, Jonathan Frid?  (We racked what passes for Our brain to come up with a third celebrity to put there, and the best We could do was Jonathan Frid. Because Charlie Sheen is overexposed, and Charlene Tilton would just be gratuitous at this point. (Meanwhile, how many of you counted the “Eve”s earlier in the paragraph to make sure We didn’t make a mistake?    You MIGHT want to tell Santa to bring you a life for Christmas.)))

Does anyone else have trouble remembering how many Ps there are in Ryan Phillippe, or is it just Us?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.

You are no doubt wondering where We have been.  Because naturally you spend your every waking moment preoccupied with Us and Our life.  Well, let’S see.   On Toozdee, We had an early morning eye appointment, which was, for those of you familiar with the geography of the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, at approximately 20^th and Spring Garden.  We SEPTAd Our way there, sat through the entire boring affair (including almost an entire episode of The View in the waiting area…people actually WATCH this?!?), and then walked into town to do some Christmas shopping.  We then started walking the bus route back to Casa de Crackwhore, but no bus ever came, so essentially We walked from 20^th and Spring Garden to OurHouseWhereWeLive.  How We remain the same size as OurHouseWhereWeLive, We’ll never know.

On Humpdee, Himself and his little friends The WaitStaff had to trek to the McMansionLand that is North Jersey to entertain at a corporate holiday party (which was held, for those who truly follow along, here: http://springlakegolfclub.net/ ) . Imagine fifty or sixty drunken Republicans with entirely too much money, to whom entertainers are clearly eighteenth-class citizens, and who have never seen a HO-ma-seck-shool up close before.  Yeah, that kind of show.  Add on that, with travel time included, the day went from 10AM to 7PM. Fortunately, a check is forthcoming.

Speaking of the WaitStaff, they continue to rehearse their dingles to the berry to give YouPeople The Perfect Christmas Sketch Comedy Show, and they hope to See You Next Tuesday, December 20^th, at 8PM at Helium Comedy Club for The Real Housewives of South Philly Occupy Xmas.  Tickets can be obtained here:  https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/897 and make an excellent early Christmas gift for those difficult-to-buy-for people on your Christmas list .

In the meantime, to whet your appetite, you could go watch this.  If you haven’t already.  And you haven’t. We know, because We see you when you’re sleeping.  And you drool.  And not in a cute way.

You could also share it with your friends.  It’s the least you could do.  No, really, the very least.  Considering all We do for you:

http://youtu.be/e2dPKHOC8RI

And now, Christopher Walken, Piper Laurie, Jonathan Frid, and Charlene Tilton in a remake of I Love Lucy.  Or the HorrorScope:

You need to indulge your competitive side today — even more so than usual — and that could mean that you’re eyed with suspicion by those nearby.  (Those nearby today will include Our dentist and the WaitStaff.  Is there a competition of which We are unaware?)

Things start to get weird later, (So things are perfectly normal now?  Good to know.)

 but for now, you’re all good.  (We hate that almost as much as We hate “it is what it is.”)

Things are really starting to simmer in your life — are you ready for the heat? (If you can’t stand the heat, regrout in your kitchen.  (What does that even MEAN?))

Because as what you want moves closer to you, it’s moving away from someone else.  (Wow.  That is so very Zen.  Snatch this pebble from my snatch, Glasshoppah.)

This person could make things a bit sticky for you for a little while, (Wait…are you saying that’s a BAD thing?)

but you don’t need to worry too much about that. (Sticky is GOOD.  Sticky is also a character in Our version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.)

It is much wiser to simply embrace all your newly found and richly deserved adventures.  (And We are nothing if not wise.)

Just concentrate on having a good time.  (Didn’t We already say “dentist”?  Pay attention.  Bee-yotch.)

If love makes the world go ‘round, you’re at the very hub of that wheel.  (Was that a fat joke?)

Keep it spinning wildly by acting on impulse, creating a hubbub or carrying out a daring feat in the realm of romance. (Hub, hubbub…see what she did there?  Neither do We.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Fear’s in the water, dragging down your daughter

                                                                                     

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Jonathan Frid Day, July 29, 2011.  Good lord, here’s July practically OVAH, and We have yet to see the ocean this summer.  Of course, We did see it last December, and last April, so Our oceanic circadian rhythm methods may be a little off.  And that was two different oceans, one of which, We are told, was the Gulf of Mexico.  Geography was never Our strong suit.  Actually, We’ve never had a strong suit.  We’re just praying that Our Playtex™ Living Girdle doesn’t die. (Is it just Us, or was that last sentence the title of a James Bond film that never got made?)

Himself, meanwhile, is still lolling about in his footie pajamas.  One of his survey companies is paying him to test some new teeth whitening strips, so he would have Us believe that he’s working. Why he needs white teeth when We are the only One who ever sees him is entirely beyond Us.  His teeth could be green and furry for all We care. (We shall pause for station identification while YouAll picture Himself with Muppets for teeth.  Said Muppets may or may not be singing “It’s Not Easy Being Green.”)

Speaking of Himself, last night was the first rehearsal where he put down his script and did the entire show from what passes for his memory.  Not too bad for a senile old goat.  He may actually be ready to perform come Fringe Festival Time.  In case We have been unclear on this subject, Himself will be bringing back his marriage equality one-man show, The Wedding Consultant, from September 2-18, at the Walnut Street Theatre Independence Studio on 3. Needless to say (and yet promptly saying it), you are all expected to attend. Especially those who didn’t so much show up last time.  And yes, We have kept records.  You can obtain tickets here: http://ticketing.theatrealliance.org/sites/livearts/details.aspx?id=19622

But enough about Himself.  Since when is this all about Him?  Let’s talk about Ourself.  We are in the midst of preparations to shoot the next Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope video, and We are very excited.  This will of course be the Virgo edition, and if you know anything about Our history (which is right down below in fine print, and has been for over a year and a half now), you know that this is destined to be A Very Special Episode Of Blossom.  Speaking of Our history, here is a little Starzina trivia quiz to amuse you on this summer Friday; whoever gets the most answers correct will win A Very Special Prize (which will have nothing whatsoever to do with Mayim Bialik):

1.  What was the name of the webzine for which Starzina was originally created?

2.  Which of Starzina’s toes was bleeding profusely throughout the filming of the Gemini video?  (See how fair this is…you have a one in twelve chance of getting that right.)

3. What two Philadelphia theatre celebrities were referenced by Starzina in the show in which she made her first public appearance?

4. Who was the only member of the WaitStaff who appeared in the aforementioned show?

5. What color are Starzina’s shoes in the three videos that are currently available?

And here’s where you can find that last answer:

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Wilfred Brimley’s diaper rash.  Or, the HorrorScope:

You are much less able to handle the stress that comes from messy work and living spaces today, so you may as well spend your time cleaning up and getting ready for the burst of energy that’s coming soon.  (Now, see.  That there is an example of how the more words Kelli uses, the less sense she makes.  If We were (oh, so subjunctively) going to clean, wouldn’t we be sensible to WAIT for this burst of energy she claims is coming to do so?)

 Don’t act surprised (SURPRISE!)

when you receive some positive feedback from an unlikely source today.  (Yeah.  That’ll happen.)

 After all, you need to start getting used to more attention and greater accolades from everyone around you.  (We are hoping this Virgo video will put Us on the map.  In the meantime, go watch the other three.  And, more importantly, send your friends.  Why do YouPeople never send your friends?)

Not only are your usual allies lining up to congratulate you, (That’s gonna be a very short line.)

but the higher ups and people in power are noticing you in a new light as well.  (Well, then We’d best powder Our nose.  Who’s got some nose powder?  (That might explain that burst of energy she’s nattering on about.))

If you get a bit overwhelmed by the attention, that’s okay — be yourself and react the way you feel.  (Be Ourselves and react the ways We feel…sometimes The Royal We just makes for a grammatical morass.  And the last thing We need is more ass.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

But try to make the most of your time in the limelight.  (Why is it “limelight”?  Who wants to stand around in a green light?  How could that possibly be flattering?  How about “lemonlight”?  Or, more to the point for those of Us Of A Certain Age (twenty-four) “roselight”?)

You wake up feeling quite emotional, but don’t suppress it!  (Damn menopause.)

Call up a thoughtful friend and cry your eyes out, if that’s what you need.  (Won’t THAT just cause Our popularity to soar?)

Clearing out all that bad energy lets you to get a clean start. (So it’s like an energy enema?  (Everybody sing along: “Ener-GEE Ene-MAAA, Ener-GEE, Ene-MA-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha…”))

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Even educated fleas do it

Greetings, Embedded Rivet Impedes Carbondating---


(Oh, carbondating is so too a word. Not that We’re dating at all, but, if We (subjunctively) were, it would be carbondating. Because (A.) We are old, and (Number 2. (Heh. We said, “Number 2”.)) one of Our only dating requirements is that they be carbon-based life-forms. (Our only other two requirements are a p3nis and a pulse. We are, in fact, willing to entertain the notion of NON-carbon-based aliens from other planets as long as they possess the latter two. The p3nis and the pulse are, however, non-negotiable. We have not yet descended far enough into the abyss to begin dating the dead. But give Us time; once they show up for the date, they won’t bail on you early, and they certainly don’t monopolize the conversation.)


(We were going to continue the above with some witty discourse about dating the UNdead, but then We realized that, other than being aware of the existence of Twilight, and being able to picture the youth with the angsty hair and clown-white face who stars in same (whose name We do not know), We are woefully unable to hold Our own (heh) in a discussion of The Undead In The New Millennium. And We are certainly not going to carbondate Ourselves by saying something untoward like “Jonathan Frid”.)


(Apropos of nothing, you will note that today’s Eric’s Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Crème Brulee Bain De Soleil Nanette Fabray is apropos of nothing.)


(Was that a double negative? Discuss. (Those of you who are not, perhaps, as grammatological as We Our Own Selves may find it more amusing to discuss a discus at a disco. (Or not.)))


Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, May 04, 2010 (You will be, no doubt, elated to learn that UPS brought Our new printer yesterday at noon. The delivery person was, in fact, a hottie (although not as hottie as the previous week’s locksmith) and was not, in fact, a l3sbian. Consequently, We were left free in the afternoon to run (amok) errands outside of OurHouseWhereWeLive. There is no point to this story, and thus, no end to this paragraph.) :


(Our Our-O-Scope.)


You can safely act on your first impulse now in any and all circumstances. (Good. Shut. Up. @sshat.)


You've been bestowed with wisdom, well-deserved confidence and uncannily good timing. (Good. Can We write that on a piece of paper and have it be Our resume? And can We earn six figures working one afternoon a week at home? KThxBye.)


Needless to say, (Watch…she’s gonna say it anyway.)


the fans will be quite impressed. (See?)


(Wait…”fans”? What fans?)


Don't leave home without a stack of business cards. (Will these Partridge Family trading cards suffice?)


(Suffice?)


The birds are singing, the bees are buzzing and you're in love. (Do bees have penises? Presumably not, or the old saying wouldn’t be “it’s the bee’s knees”, it would be “it’s the bee’s penis”. Or perhaps “it’s the bee’s penis down to its knees”. (Whatever else all y’all were expecting in here this morning, We bet it wasn’t insect p0rn.))


Just in case you're not quite sure, somewhere in the back of your fragrant, pink, smoke-filled brain, however, arrange for a prenup. (It is unclear to Us just what exactly “fragrant, pink, smoke-filled brain” is meant to imply. Also, “prenup” is a very peculiar word. And totally inapt, for someone who can’t legally nup in the first place. B1tch.)


You're not exactly the soul of patience, diplomacy or moderation at the moment (Thank CHR1ST! Because what the h3ll fun would that be?)


-- and that's putting it very, very lightly. (The word you were looking for was “mildly”. Jeebus. We could edit this cr@p for you for a dollar.)


Take one giant step now in any direction. (Oh, you can’t fool Us. You didn’t say “Simon says”. We’re staying right here, ThankYouVeryMuch.)


You'll end up on Park Place with tons of money tucked under your side of the board. (What, they tore down Boardwalk?)


(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:






http://www.humorscope.com




the best part of waking up is cowgrass in your cup)