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Friday, July 29, 2011

Fear’s in the water, dragging down your daughter


Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Jonathan Frid Day, July 29, 2011.  Good lord, here’s July practically OVAH, and We have yet to see the ocean this summer.  Of course, We did see it last December, and last April, so Our oceanic circadian rhythm methods may be a little off.  And that was two different oceans, one of which, We are told, was the Gulf of Mexico.  Geography was never Our strong suit.  Actually, We’ve never had a strong suit.  We’re just praying that Our Playtex™ Living Girdle doesn’t die. (Is it just Us, or was that last sentence the title of a James Bond film that never got made?)

Himself, meanwhile, is still lolling about in his footie pajamas.  One of his survey companies is paying him to test some new teeth whitening strips, so he would have Us believe that he’s working. Why he needs white teeth when We are the only One who ever sees him is entirely beyond Us.  His teeth could be green and furry for all We care. (We shall pause for station identification while YouAll picture Himself with Muppets for teeth.  Said Muppets may or may not be singing “It’s Not Easy Being Green.”)

Speaking of Himself, last night was the first rehearsal where he put down his script and did the entire show from what passes for his memory.  Not too bad for a senile old goat.  He may actually be ready to perform come Fringe Festival Time.  In case We have been unclear on this subject, Himself will be bringing back his marriage equality one-man show, The Wedding Consultant, from September 2-18, at the Walnut Street Theatre Independence Studio on 3. Needless to say (and yet promptly saying it), you are all expected to attend. Especially those who didn’t so much show up last time.  And yes, We have kept records.  You can obtain tickets here:

But enough about Himself.  Since when is this all about Him?  Let’s talk about Ourself.  We are in the midst of preparations to shoot the next Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope video, and We are very excited.  This will of course be the Virgo edition, and if you know anything about Our history (which is right down below in fine print, and has been for over a year and a half now), you know that this is destined to be A Very Special Episode Of Blossom.  Speaking of Our history, here is a little Starzina trivia quiz to amuse you on this summer Friday; whoever gets the most answers correct will win A Very Special Prize (which will have nothing whatsoever to do with Mayim Bialik):

1.  What was the name of the webzine for which Starzina was originally created?

2.  Which of Starzina’s toes was bleeding profusely throughout the filming of the Gemini video?  (See how fair this is…you have a one in twelve chance of getting that right.)

3. What two Philadelphia theatre celebrities were referenced by Starzina in the show in which she made her first public appearance?

4. Who was the only member of the WaitStaff who appeared in the aforementioned show?

5. What color are Starzina’s shoes in the three videos that are currently available?

And here’s where you can find that last answer:

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Wilfred Brimley’s diaper rash.  Or, the HorrorScope:

You are much less able to handle the stress that comes from messy work and living spaces today, so you may as well spend your time cleaning up and getting ready for the burst of energy that’s coming soon.  (Now, see.  That there is an example of how the more words Kelli uses, the less sense she makes.  If We were (oh, so subjunctively) going to clean, wouldn’t we be sensible to WAIT for this burst of energy she claims is coming to do so?)

 Don’t act surprised (SURPRISE!)

when you receive some positive feedback from an unlikely source today.  (Yeah.  That’ll happen.)

 After all, you need to start getting used to more attention and greater accolades from everyone around you.  (We are hoping this Virgo video will put Us on the map.  In the meantime, go watch the other three.  And, more importantly, send your friends.  Why do YouPeople never send your friends?)

Not only are your usual allies lining up to congratulate you, (That’s gonna be a very short line.)

but the higher ups and people in power are noticing you in a new light as well.  (Well, then We’d best powder Our nose.  Who’s got some nose powder?  (That might explain that burst of energy she’s nattering on about.))

If you get a bit overwhelmed by the attention, that’s okay — be yourself and react the way you feel.  (Be Ourselves and react the ways We feel…sometimes The Royal We just makes for a grammatical morass.  And the last thing We need is more ass.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

But try to make the most of your time in the limelight.  (Why is it “limelight”?  Who wants to stand around in a green light?  How could that possibly be flattering?  How about “lemonlight”?  Or, more to the point for those of Us Of A Certain Age (twenty-four) “roselight”?)

You wake up feeling quite emotional, but don’t suppress it!  (Damn menopause.)

Call up a thoughtful friend and cry your eyes out, if that’s what you need.  (Won’t THAT just cause Our popularity to soar?)

Clearing out all that bad energy lets you to get a clean start. (So it’s like an energy enema?  (Everybody sing along: “Ener-GEE Ene-MAAA, Ener-GEE, Ene-MA-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha…”))

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.