Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wincedee, July 13, 2011. Happy belated birthday to Kathleen, who turned twenty-four yesterday. And happy Hump Day to the rest of you, who are no doubt humpily humping away in your humpsters without a care in the world or a hair in the whirlpool. Like sandpaper through a horse’s ass, these are the Dayz Of Our Livezzzzzzzzzz…
We have precious little to report. Himself continues to rehearse for his epic. Last night, he wee-wee-walked his fat ass all the way home from L2, scene of his epic’s previous incarnation, where he has been rehearsing. Twenty-five blocks, by Our calculations, and still his fat ass makes his ass look fat.
We, meanwhile, continue to be addicted to The Most Embarrassing Game On The WorldWideInterWebnetz. (It is SO embarrassing, in fact, that We just spelt “embarrassing” with three esses. Which is ethpecially embarrathing if you happen to be Thindy Brady. (Fortunately, most of Us are NOT Thindy Brady. Because how bizarre would it be if We (thubjunctively) were?))
(Heh. “Thubjunctively”. We kill Us.)
Speaking of Uranus (as one does), why not pay a visit to Us in video land…maybe even click Our “Like” button (did that sound dirty to you? Because it sounded dirty to Us. And We haven’t had Our “Like” button clicked in YEARS.) Or even share Us with a friend. Even if they AREN’T having a birthday. Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Cancer video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM
Meanwhile, from the “It Gives One Pause” Department, Harrison Ford turns SIXTY-NINE today. Insert blowjob jokes here.
And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Margaret Thatcher’s ben-wa balls. Alternatively, the HorrorScope:
You’ve got a serious drive for success today (Too bad there’s no gas in Our car. Because We don’t, ya know, have a car. So We don’t buy very much gas. Which makes sense, because We always seem to get gas for free. (Note to Self: invent car that runs on Mexican food.))
— whatever that means to you. (Some people are deep and meaningful. We are shallow and meaningless. Our way is more fun.)
It might mean a date with that new hottie, (Yeah. ‘Cause THAT happens.)
a promotion at work (C’mon, Bay-Bee, do the locomotion!)
or a new way to deliver health care to Africa, (Mmm-hmm. We wouldn’t go betting the ranch on that last one. (Of course, once We invent Our car that runs on Mexican food, can a cargo plane be far behind? (Heh. Get it? “Behind”.)))
(Why this blog has yet to be discovered by America’s junior high school set is entirely beyond Us.)
Our Google Bloggoni-O-Meter informs Us, meanwhile, that, in addition to recent installments, three of you are busy perusing this entry: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2011/01/tell-me-whyi-dont-like-mondays.html, which We suspect has something to do with the phrase “bollocks polishers”.
but you are on it! (If, by “it”, you mean “crack”, then yes. Yes, We are.)
That mature, practical voice inside your head keeps telling you that what other people think of you shouldn’t matter, and it is right. (It is also Rod Serling. Who is rumored to have an enormous penis. Which is doing him precious little good, now that he has entered…The Twilight Zone.)
(A guy named Rod with an enormous penis…what’re the odds?)
It may also be telling you that, for now, you may have to take on an unpleasant role in order to accomplish what you need to accomplish, and that’s right, too (So, wait…it gets more unpleasant than THIS?!?)
— you should never compromise on your ambitions. (We have no answer for that whatsoever. However whatever always-and-forever, We did just invent the word “prompromise”, which We’re pretty sure means “I won’t come in your mouth”. Or possibly ”I won’t come on your dress”. One of those. How the hell would We know? We didn’t go to Our prom.)
(Those junior high schoolers’ll be eating out of the palm of Our hands. Just like The Children Of The Corn. Or, in Our case, The Children Of The Corndogs.)
(Micro$oft Weird™ is accepting of “corndogs”, but is not too sure about “prompromise”. As well it shouldn’t be.)
But you might need to mitigate your zeal (Because who doesn’t love a well-mitigated zeal?)
with a bit of etiquette and tact. (Have you met Us?)
Dating might be the last thing on your mind, (Actually, the last thing on Our minds is delivering health care to Africa. Followed immediately by Justin Bieber’s frenulum.)
(Oh, sorry…did We make you think about Justin Bieber’s frenulum? (We’ll wait here while you go Google “frenulum” on Wikipedia. (Justin Bieber should love Us…he’s in junior high school, right? (We can never tell with lesbians…they never look their age.))))
but you could also be surprised (SURPRISE!)
to learn (Anything whatsoever?)
just how much your deeper mind is obsessing over love. (To say nothing of Justin Bieber’s frenulum. (No, really…say NOTHING.))
Let yourself go out on a date by simply slowing down and saying yes at least once. (Notice that at no point during that sentence does there seem to be ANOTHER PERSON on this date.)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.