Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ThurgoodMarshall’sDay, July 14, 2011. We were not even going to epistlize today, as We have about four hundred kabillion and eleventy-twelve things to do, and not an indentured servant in sight to accomplish them for Us, but then We realised that We could not possibly let Bastille Day pass wizzout weeshing ‘Appy Bastille Day to all Our Bastillian friends. (Micro$oft Weird™ appears to be of the opinion that “epistlize” is not a word. Don’t tell them that in the basement of the Bike Stop. Saint Paul and the Corinthians will be very upset. (You got that that was two separate thoughts, right? We were not implying that you would find Saint Paul and the Corinthians in the basement of the Bike Stop. (It’s Thursday, fercrissakes. Everybody knows Saint Paul and the Corinthians are at Woody’s on Thursday night.)))
Another reason why We felt compelled to epistle all over you all today is that We just discovered that Everybody’s Favorite Singer-Songwriter dropped her latest single today, complete with video, and We would have been totally remiss had We (subjunctively) not shared it with you. So, without further epistling, ladies and genitals, We give you Ms. Brie Feingold-Africa, with her new Number-One-With-A-Bullet single, “Blue-Eyed Neighbor” (it will no doubt annoy her that We say this, but Ms. Feingold-Africa is work-safe. (Or at least her song is.)):
(Heh. We said “Number One”.)
In other video news, here is this, courtesy of OurMizDonna, which also amused Us this morning. It, too, is work-safe, although they do use the word “uterus” at one point. Which is hysterical. (That last bit was a little etymological humor for Our word-nerd readers. Those of you who don’t get why putting “uterus” and “hysterical” together is, well, hysterical, just go look at the video. (Please note that We absolve Ourselves from any responsibility for any unexpected excretia you may generate while howling at same.)):
Speaking of excretia (as one does), why not pay a visit to Us in video land…maybe even click Our “Like” button (did that sound dirty to you? Because it sounded dirty to Us. And We haven’t had Our “Like” button clicked in YEARS.) Or even share Us with a friend. Even if they AREN’T having a birthday. Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Cancer video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM
And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Andy Dick’s anal probe. Alternatively, the HorrorScope:
Seize any opportunity that comes your way (We trust you’ve been following along long enough to know this, but, for any newbies, when you see an opportunity, seize it by the knockers. (We shall eventually be crowned queen of Rutherford B. Hayes Junior High School. (We just pulled President Hayes out of Our proverbial (and ever-expanding) ass…let’s go Google on Wikipedia for a moment…We’ll be right back (or “BRB”, as the kidz say)… turns out, there IS an ACTUAL Rutherford B. Hayes Junior High School . In Youngstown, Ohio. Why-oh-why-oh-why-oh would anyone live in Ohio?)))
(It occurs to Us that We know nothing whatsoever about your Yankee President Rutherford B. Hayes. Not only that, We don’t care all that much. But Millard Fillmore’s mother was black.)
— act on instinct to get ahead. (Oh, please. Do anything you need to to get head.)
Your energy isn’t right for making plans, (Well, you know what They say: it’s best to plan to be laid by mice and men. (Although how the mice fit into the equation, We’re not exactly sure.))
and especially poor for sticking to them, but improvising is your specialty right now. (Actually, gastroenterology is Our specialty. And yes, that DID come out of Us.)
(Okay, that there? May have been the most highbrow fart joke ever told.)
Today you should continue to play the game that everyone else has been playing. (With Our luck, it’ll be Chutes and Ladders.)
Sure, it might be a little boring, and it certainly isn’t doing anything to get you closer to your latest goal, but it’s the language everyone is speaking in right now. (If Saint Paul is epistling the Corinthians, is he epistling in rich Corinthian leather, or is he just epistling Dixie? (This may be the only blog on the entire WorldWideInterWebNetz that contained a Ricardo Montalban joke this morning. And, if there’s a Ricardo Montalban joke, can a Hervé Villechaize joke be far behind? “Look, Boss! De plane, de plane! Who’s on top tonight, Boss?”))
And if you want to be part of the conversation, you have to speak it, too. (Epistling Esperanto, We are.)
Prove to everyone else what a great player you are. (Or, at the very least, what a great athletic supporter.)
Once you have that credibility, you can start shaking things up. (Beginning with your booty.)
You need to tell that inner critic to shut up and let you finish. (Shut up and let Us finish. (How the hell did Gene Shalit get in there, anyway?))
(When’s the last time YOU thought about Gene Shalit?)
Whether you’re setting up your online profile or trying to work up the nerve to ask someone out, remind yourself that you can do it! (Note to Self: new children’s book: The Little Engine That Really Couldn’t.)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
No comments:
Post a Comment