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Thursday, July 28, 2011

The future’s not Ours to see (Oh, yes it is; We’re psychic!)

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thriftway, July 28, 2011.  Happy birthday to Dan, who turns twenty-four today. Also, happy birthday to Mike, who does not EVEN turn twenty-four today.  Neither of them is reading this, of course, but We do so love to be thorough.

In other news, Our Google Bloggoni-O-Meter tells Us that someone in India has watched Our latest Time-Of-The-Month Horoscope: Leo video.  We are guessing they found Us because We are wearing a turban.  If YOU haven’t watched said video yet, (A.) shame on you and (2.) here it is:

We have, of course, returned from the villa in Tuscany and are back in OurHouseWhereWeLive. So much for Our vacation; now We are knee-deep in getting Himself ready to strut and fret his hour upon the stage in this year’s Fringe Festival.  In case We have been unclear on this subject, Himself will be bringing back his marriage equality one-man show, The Wedding Consultant, from September 2-18, at the Walnut Street Theatre Independence Studio on 3. Needless to say (and yet promptly saying it), you are all expected to attend. Especially those who didn’t so much show up last time.  And yes, We have kept records.  You can obtain tickets here:

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Doris Day queefing “Que Sera, Sera”.  Or, the HorrorScope:

You rely equally on intuition and reason  (Which are, We must say, a lot more reliable than elocution and raisins.  Or Raisinettes™.  To say nothing of Goobers™.  (Is anybody else hungry now?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.))

— but for now, you need to make sure that you’re leaning more heavily on the right side of your brain!  (Oh, see, now.  Apparently, We’ve spent all this time leaning on the wrong side of Our brain.  That explains a lot, no?)

It’s giving up clues to those around you that are worth a lot.  (Colonel Mustard, in the conservatory, with the dildo sharpener.  (Hey, you play YOUR version of Clue™, We’ll play OURS.))

Today your actions will help lay the groundwork (Oh, sure, the GROUNDWORK gets laid…)

for something that will get you noticed by the folks you admire most, so act thoughtfully (And marry a big dick?)

and always take the high road. (Or that.)

There is a real change coming in your life, (Oh, boy!  Menopause.)

and it’s one that you’ve been hoping for, for a long time. (This space left intentionally blank.)

This may be something you’ve been avoiding even speaking about because you fear it may never happen. (Well, We did have sex ONCE.)

Get ready, because you’re about to get what you wished for — and you’ll make quite a splash!  (Watersports!)

You need to keep your romantic interactions light and breezy but not cheesy today. (Sleazy, wheezy, and greazy are also right out.)

You can have fun flirting while you get to know that new cutie, of course, but save any heavy conversations for another time. (Well, DUH.  How will We EVER get laid if We sit around and talk about how fat We are?)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.