In the meadow We can build a snowman

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg,  December Twelbst, 2014.

Happy Birthday to Walt, who turns twenty-four today somewhere over the bridge in New Jersey.

And Happy Belated Anniversary to Rene and Ed, who anniversarated yesterday. (We were the maid of honor at their wedding.)

Those of you who have had the misfortune of seeing Us recently will be shrilled and delighted to learn that We finally got Our hurrrr did yesterday, so when next you see Us, We may actually be presentable.

In other news, We shall be striving once again this evening not to lose Our job at the Murder Mystery Factory.  And how lovely is it to have a job where the best thing you can say about it is that you didn’t get fired?

In other other news, in a fit of senility, We completely forgot to post that We had posted Our post on Holidailies™ yesterday, so We posted that We had posted that post this morning, and now have to wait till this evening to post about posting this post. (They make you wait 8 hours between posts, else someone could fulfill their “daily” commitment by making 31 posts on December Oneth.)

Our hit counts were largely unaffected.

On a positive note, check out Our Best Of Holidailies™ Award  here:  

http://www.holidailies.org/entries/bestof#entry-1286

and go to the e-ntry directly here:  

http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/12/time-passages.html .

We just watched a SitOnMyFaceBook video in which some crafty wanker cut up an egg carton to create teeny, tiny snowmen.  We actually watched it most of the way through, as, for the first three quarters or so, One couldn’t tell what the fuck they were creating. 

(Please do not fear that, if you visit Us at OurHouseWhereWeLive this holiday season, you will be greeted by a small army of egg carton snowmen.  Trust Us, you won’t.)

In other utter udder news, there is a belief system in which everything happens (A.) for a reason and (2.) exactly as it is supposed to, so there’s no sense worrying about it (or, apparently, doing anything at all), so sit back and enjoy the ride.

This belief system is not Ours.

In Our Own Personal Universe, things often (bordering on ALWAYS) happen randomly and chaotically, with the only governance being a tendency toward the worst possible outcome as pertains to Us. While We have no idea whether or not this is “exactly as it is supposed to”, We are frequently worried in advance, and usually disappointed afterwards. So when We benevolently refrain from shooting you in the face with a semi-automatic weapon when you start singing “Que Sera, Sera” after The Universe has shat upon Us yet again, you might at least acknowledge that Our disappointment is a real thing that exists.

KThxBye. 

(Also, whichever little pre-pubescent bitch just said, “What’s ‘Que Sera, Sera?’” better start running in the other direction PDQ.)

Kiss Us quick, We're Doris Day.

(Oh, no, you DI-INT say, "Who?")

And then, as if to rub salt in the wound, Our request to be sexted dick pix finally got a response yesterday.  One picture.  Of a pussy.  Thanks, The Universe.

We have leapt recently into Sagittarius, Our video for which is above.  (If We had Our finger on Our ephemeris We could tell you exactly when.  (Dirty-minded Gentle Readers with limited vocabularies just went scurrying off to Google “ephemeris” on Wikipedia.  Quests for knowledge are HAWTT.))

Here is the link with which you may share Our Sagittarius video with both of your friends:  

 http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y  

And here, for your further edification, is Our very first Sagittarius video:

Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001?  And that the earliest dead-tree archival records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small fee) here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2004/paperback/product-300894.html  ? 

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.

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In celebrity birthday news, today, on a very special episode of Blossom , it is Mayim Bialik’s birthday.

And now, because We need to go and perform Our ablutions to make Ourself presentable for being incompetent at a dinner theater, here, in lieu of call-and-response with AssHatted Ass(tromalo0gcial) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli is A Reading From Madame Olivia (We love when she talks about Uranus):

Greetings Starzina ~

Madame Olivia is pleased to see you again.

Madame Olivia has been driving herself mad thinking about the paradoxical notion that action comes before motivation. How can this be? Are you crazy, Wise Person who first said this? Don't you have to have motivation first? The answer is, unbelievably, no. The reason is simple: a tiny bit of action primes the pump and lubricates the brain; momentum gathers; and motivation builds! In fact studies seem to show that this takes 90 seconds, so yes, it's actually quantified. So instead of sitting around waiting for motivation, take a tiny bit of action in the desired direction and motivation will follow. This of course will lead to more action!

Dear Aries, with Uranus in Aries you may be feeling some serious activation, maybe pulls toward some big changes, in systems, ways of thinking, geography. These changes can be both exciting and a little scary. Madame Olivia is thinking that the best course of action for now may be a bit of wait-and-see. You don't have to make the move or come up with an answer or solution just because somebody else is in a hurry. When possible, take your time.

Bright green is going to be important

It's been wonderful being with you again. All the best to you from Madame Olivia.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

If hoppy little bluebirds fly…

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  JustAnotherMadMenMonday, April 29, 2013. Happy Birthday to Steph, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, Happy Birthday to Trish, who also turns twenty-four today.  Also also, Happy Birthday to OurAmericanCousin Jim, who also also turns twenty-four today.  In MaryLand.  And, since We just the other day re-did Our previous geographical dissertation on MaryLand, We reproduce it here again for your edification and literary enjoyment:

(Being the sort of full-service Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! that We pride Ourself on being, We rooted through the archives a la a pig rooting for truffles and found Our prior discourse on MaryLand so YouPeople didn’t have to.   Here it is, and you’re welcome:

Maryland, We have just been informed by Wikipedia, was named after somebody called Queen Henrietta Maria, who, upon being informed of said naming, is reported (possibly spuriously) to have said, “Yo, bitches…my name is Henrietta Maria…wuzzup wit’ dis “Mary Land” shit?  Why not HenriettaMariaLand?”  She made further remarks involving Queen Latifah and Finland, but, as Queen Latifah had not been born yet, and “HenriettaMariaLand” would never fit on a license plate, no one paid any attention to her.)

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Israel, who turned twenty-four this past weekend.  And also again to Dena, who also turned twenty-four this past weekend, and who, if We recall correctly, occasioned the preceding MaryLandese excavation from the archives.

As if it weren’t (subjunctively) already a bad enough rainy Monday morning, there is a jackhammer outside Our front door of OurHouseWhereWeLive, which is, unfortunately, fulfilling its natural function by jackhammering (which Micro$oft Weird™ would have Us believe is not an actual verb, but Micro$oft Weird™ is not in OurHouseWhereWeLive, so shut the fuck up, Micro$oft Weird™; We know jackhammering when We hear it.  Incessantly.  All morning long. ).

Now, if Our life were (subjunctively) a fillum, We would peer out Our living room window (a la Gladys Kravitz) and see a jackhammerer named Jack Hammer, who would look like, say, Zac Efron, and whose shirtless flexed torso would be glistening with sweat and rain.

Do We even need to tell you that that is not the case?

In other news, We dreamt last night that We consulted a dating service.  The gentleman in charge was someone We know, although We could not, upon awakening, recall who.  However, he wrote his notes about Our requirements and things We told him about Ourself in a VERY peculiar place, which We cannot imagine how he intended to access once We Our Own Self Personally had physically left his office.

Prior to any date being arranged (because, apparently, We can’t even have a date in Our dreams), We were given homework, which consisted of four bottles of beer which We were to taste, compare, and contrast.  Three of them were craft/microbrewery beers whose names escape Us, and the fourth was a Coors Light™.  Presumably, they were the Beers Of Choice of four potentially date-able gentlemen.  The peculiar thing is that We can recall exactly what they all tasted like!  So it would seem that, in addition to dreaming in color (the notes the guy wrote in A Very Peculiar Place were in red ink), We also dream in taste!

We apologize for Our departure from Our stated mission of making YouPeople feel better by comparison.  Every so often, We’re just way more fascinating than all y’all.

Speaking of Zac Efron’s jackhammer, as you can see above, We have released Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:  Taurus video.  Here is the link with which you will share it with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums:

http://youtu.be/iGNw4zF7MSs

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Taurus video for comparison:

And now (changing, for some artifactual reason, to birthday-cake-icing-baby-blue), here are the HorrorScopes:

It is Uma Thurman’s birthday, and, with the frequency with which We take her name in vain in these e-pisstles, the least We can do (no, really, the very least) is wish her a Happy Leslie Jordan’s Birthday.

You need to snap into action today (Also, Snap-On™ Tools.)

 — things are looking pretty weird, (You don’t know the half of it. (You should see Our red ink.))

but that just means that you’re ready to move!  (Oh, We are a Mover and a Shaker!  (Although it does occur to Us suddenly that We have no idea what differentiates a Shaker from a Quaker.  (Maybe it’s the oats?)))

(Vacation shares in what passes for Our mind are still available between now and Memorial Day.)

As long as you’re active, (And We are.  On a cellular level, at any rate.)

you should be able to overcome most obstacles.  (Of course.)

(That right there was a little existential humor.  It’s called “existential humor” because it’s, ya know, not funny.)

Your email correspondence has been getting very interesting, lately — (Indeed.  We are practically ENGAGED to this Nigerian prince.)

 could there be a new career or business opportunity coming soon? (Insert “Opportunity’s knockers” joke here.)

 Keep up the virtual chit chat, (There desperately wants to be a joke here involving the words “shit shat”, but We just cannot make it appear.)

and fire back some witty emails today to some people who have connections in the places you want to be. (One can only be but so witty with Nigerian princes before they have One beheaded.)

Start thinking more specifically about your future plans, too. (Is it just Us, or is “future plans” redundant?  Do people actually waste time planning the past?)

Sure, you want the corner office, (Um, no.)

 but what should your view look like?  (We’re pretty sure We said this earlier:  Zac Efron with no shirt on.)

Picture your success and you’ll get one step closer to it.  (Is this more of that “viZZZualizing” crap?  Because that really pisses the fuck out of Us.)

Love takes off when you go for a change of pace. (We can’t even get a date…where’d this “love” come from all of a sudden?)

Small quality of life items make huge differences: Go to a farmer’s market instead of a fast food joint. (So Old MacDonald’s instead of MacDonalds?  (That wasn’t the least bit funny, but it did come to Us right in the moment.  So there’s that.))

You could meet someone great over the radicchio.  (We are guessing that “over the radicchio” is a euphemism, but We have no idea for what. (Meanwhile, in case you were concerned that We were just not gay enough, We are now imagining Judy Garland singing “Somewhere Over the Radicchio”. You’re welcome.))

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.