How do you think he does it? I don’t know.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, September 18^rd , 2013.  Happy Birthday to OurAmericanCousin Lizzie, who does NOT turn twenty-four today.  In Texas.  Where all Our exes drive their Lexuses to cineplexes. (We are a poet, but We are unaware of it.)  Happy Birthday also to Dan, who also does NOT turn twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Also too, Happy Birthday to Nick, who MIGHT turn twenty-four today.  Of course, he also might not.  We simply don’t know.  We also dinna ken.  (No, seriously…We never laid a hand on Ken, during dinna or otherwise.)

(As you can plainly see, the humor in here this morning has skipped past Fast & Furious 7, 8, 9, and 10, and is now all the way up to Fast & Furious Fifteen. (And We will also have you know that, in the interest of accuracy, We Googled Fast &Furious on Wikipedia so We would know how many there really are.  (There’s a brain cell We’ll never get back.)))

What, you might wonder, are all these youngsters doing having their birthdays here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!?  We have no idea, but, lest We be accused of Corrupting The Morals Of Minors, We shall probably have to watch Our fucking language.

(Dan, if you’ve made it this far, We still have your photos, and would love to have a drink and get them back to you.)

Okay, no more fooling around.  Every time We mention Our show, many of you look as blank as you look when We mention Our having Justin Bieber’s love child.  (Have you heard that he’s gonna be Robin in the new Batman/Superman gay porn fillum?) Go get your tickets RIGHT NOW for Looking for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour.  There are three shows remaining, tonight and Thursday at 8PM, and Sunday at 7PM at Café Nola, and you can either buy tickets in advance or at the door:

http://fringearts.ticketleap.com/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeback-tour/#view=calendar

If you are buying tickets at the door tonight, We will give you a five dollar discount if you say “Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad” (or, alternatively, if you say, “I read Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!”

Thank you, meanwhile, to everyone who has come to see Our show so far, and to all of Our generous supporters.

Speaking of G-strings, it occurs to Us that We have been remiss in not re-sharing Our other Virgo video with you, the one with the hawtt almost-nekkid angel in it.  So here ya go:

 

And here is the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthdays today, We could be sad about James Gandolfini, or mad about Lance Armstrong.    We could make an “I vant to be alone” joke for Greta Garbo, or marvel that James Marsden is forty.  But, more important than any of those things, celebrating her NINETY-SIXTH birthday today is Ms. June Foray, the voice of Rocket J. Squirrel in Rocky and Bullwinkle.

It’s one of those days when you’ve got to lie low. (We’re sorry, but the phrase “lie low” has now been retired, due to its unfortunate connection with Lindsay Lohan, aka LiLo.  Please hang up, and try your party again later.)

Try to take the day off, if possible — though you may find that harder than usual, as your conscience pesters you to take care of business.  (We’re doing a show tonight.  It’s not like We have an understudy.)

The best thing about good karma  (Is that, with every fifth karma, you get a chameleon?)

coming back to you is that you’ve earned your good fortune, so you don’t need to feel guilty for enjoying it. (Or that.)

But when you get some big-time karma payback today, (Is it just Us, or does “big-time karma payback” sound more like a threat than a promise?)

spread the blessings around. (We shall spread those blessing like LiLo’s legs.)

You’re blessed with so many wonderful things right now — you can afford it. (Oh, please. We can’t even afford to pay attention.)

(Sorry…what?)

So if a rock-star parking space opens up, let the driver behind you have it.  (As all-powerful as We would like to imagine that We are, We fail to see how We could take it from him (or her). What with Our not having a car, and all.)

(AssHat.)

If you find a couple of bucks on the street, (Is it deer season yet?)

leave them in a friendly barista’s tip jar. (We’re not exactly sure what a barista is, so We’re just gonna assume it’s a Latino bartender.  Named Ramon.  Who’s not wearing shirt.)

(Oh, is Kelli still talking?)

 Keep the good karma flowing.  (It is a karmic heavy flow day.  The fucking chameleons are swimming for their lives.)

Try group activities — turning that blind date into a double date, (Alternatively, turning it into a deaf, dumb, and blind date who sure plays a mean pin ball.)

 or organizing a casual happening (Um, Kelli?  1975 called, and it wants its “casual happening” back.)

with a bunch of single friends — takes the pressure off, and increases your fun by quite a bit.  (Is it just Us, or does the phrase “increases your fun” not sound particularly like any fun?)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

I met The Devil in Poughkeepsie, New York

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesdayWeld’sChildIsFullOfGraceSlick, July 2th, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Michael, who turns twenty-four today.  In New York.  New York, New York, that is.  One has to specify, because, if One just says, “New York”, One could mean Poughkeepsie.

Geography is hard.

In still other news, it’s raining.  Quelle surprise.  Or, as the Frawnch say, “Merde, il pleut.”  Which means “Shit is falling out of the sky”.  As opposed, of course, to “A House of Merde il Pleut”, which means, “Oh, shit, how did We end up in a whorehouse?”

Frawnch is such a colorful language.  And it has whores in it.

We do so enjoy amusing Our Sistah Ovella by speaking Frawnch.  Just yesterday, she commented on Our e-pisstle (YouPeople WERE aware that it is possible to comment on these e-pisstles, yes?  (Is this thing on?)) that she was unable to send the nekkid pixtures We had requested.  (We have already told that story twice, so We are not telling it again.  If you nakedly skimmed past it the first two times, go here: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/06/stop-oh-yes-wait-minute-mister-postman.html  .) 

We know just how she feels.  We Our Own Self Personally are currently so large that all of Our nekkid pixtures now say “Continued next pixture”.

Of course, Our Sistah Ovella was not the gentleman in question who sent Us nekkid pixtures in Our dream and was thus being requested to send them in real life, because (A.) she is Our sistah, and thus no gentleman, and (2.) We specifically indicated that We had never seen the gentleman in question completely nekkid, and We’ll just be ending this paragraph right here now.

In random other news which will amuse other Gentle Readers, Our first step every morning in writing these e-pisstles is to take the previous day’s e-dition and delete out all the specifics, leaving those parts which will go forward into the new day’s e-pissode.  (We trust you are not too disappointed to learn that We do not type “Hello, Ducks! Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for” every single day.  Because We looked at Our calendar for yesterday, and it did not say, “Be born”. (As a matter, of fact, We did not even type it just now, We copied and pasted it.  (Your illusions, see how We destroy them.)))   At any rate, the number of words remaining today after We deleted?  420.  Smoke ‘em if you’ve got ‘em.

And these random items just in from the WorldWideInterWebNetz:

·         Why do hot dogs come in packages of 10 but we only use our military to intervene in troubled countries if oil is their natural resource‏?

·         Life hack: If your cellphone gets wet, put it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you‏

In other news, as you can see,  Our latest video, Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CANCER 2013 is above. 

If you’ve been paying attention (oh, relax; We know you haven’t), you will note that this is the fourth installment in a (so far) four e-pissode story arc.  Because We’re a writer like that, and stuff.

We would like you to take this link to said video   http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M and email it to your friends.  Or put it on their SitOnMyFacebook pages.  Or, if they are having a Cancer birthday, wish them a happy birthday with it.  Seriously, people…is this so difficult?

And here is the HorrorScope:

No wonder We made a 420 joke earlier…speaking of 420 and other controlled substances, it’s Lindsay Lohan’s birthday!  How is it possible that she’s only twenty-seven?  We are wearing panties that are older than she is.  Oh, wait…We’re not wearing any panties.  Never mind.

Money issues are taking up too much of your mental energy (Our what?!?)

— so settle at least one big problem once and for all! (Fine…from now on, We’re going Native (American, that is) and paying for everything with beads.  Wampum!  (You wampum, you brought ‘em.))

(How much do We love that Micro$oft Weird™ recognizes “wampum” as a word?  THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSS much!)

It could involve forgiving a debt (To say nothing of forgiving Our trespasses (Or Our trannypasses (Or those who have trannypassed against Us.)))

(Somewhere along the way, We’ve lost the thread.  And the spool.  And, quite frankly, the entire sewing basket.)

or taking on a second job, (Can it be the job called blow?)

but it’s likely to be major.  (So We’ve skipped right past privates, then?  Isn’t THAT just the story of Our life?)

Sometimes it feels like patience isn’t a virtue (Also, Dalmatians aren’t cockatoos.  But you probably knew that already.)

as much as it’s a method of torture!  (We hear dat if you puts a knife under de bed it cuts de pain.)

If you want to retain any sense of balance in your life, you are going to have to find a way to take your internal clock and slow it down!  (Take Our internal…oh, she said “CLOCK”.  Never mind.)

A great way to slow your roll (“Slow Our roll”?  Oh, Kelli…you are so hep to the jive…)

would be to laugh a lot (We have been laughing ever since Lindsay Lohan’s panties.)

— so get together with people who always have a funny take on things.  (And go to a funeral.)

Their quips and witty comments will help take your mind off your urge to rush around, and will help you stay hopeful for the future.  (Free sketch comedy idea for the taking:  pie fight at a funeral.  GO!)

If you’re getting tired of waiting for someone to ask you out, (Or, indeed, ANYone.)

you can get things rolling.  (Was that another 420 joke?)

Feel things out  (First?!?)

and when the time is right, go for it. (Wow.  Way to go from zero to restraining order in sixty seconds.)

The other person is sure to be glad you took the lead. (Not to mention the leash.  (No, really…don’t mention it.))

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Gliddy gloop gloopy. Nibby nabby nooby la, la, la, lo, lo.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  ToozDee, September 18, 2012.  Happy birthday to Liz, who does NOT turn twenty-four today.  In fact, We wished three people a happy birthday on SitOnOurFaceBook this morning, and, as near as We can tell, not ONE of them was turning twenty-four.  Sigh.  Fortunately, an arcane WorldWideInterWebNetzian alerting service alerted Us to a fourth birthday…so happy birthday to JR, who turns twenty-four today.

That almost sounds like an endorsement of “ask and ye shall receive”, dunnit?  Well, it’s not.  Once again, around these parts, We have had proven for Us “ask and ye shall NOT receive”, which is the corollary to “don’t look forward to anything, because you will assuredly be disappointed”, which can be stated more succinctly as “expect nothing, and you’ll be disappointed anyway”.  Sigh.

But enough of this levity.  Tickets are selling like hotcakes for The Match Game, so grab yours quick before they’re gone:

http://livearts-fringe.ticketleap.com/real-housewives-of-south-philly-play-match-game/#view=calendar  There are only six more shows:  Wednesday at 7:30 and 9:30, Friday and Saturday at 7:30, and Sunday at 6 and 8.  People were seriously complaining on Sunday that their faces hurt from laughing so hard.  We are NOT making that up.

Here is a little interview with HimSelf:  http://marcharshbarger.blogspot.com/2012/09/groovy-reader-of-month-eric-singel.html

Here is a little interview given by Jesus H. Christ, who is a Match Game celebrity:  http://blog.livearts-fringe.org/2012/09/14/philly-fringe-vital-stats-jesus-christ/

Here is what the City Paper reviewer had to say about Our little epic:  http://www.citypaper.net/blogs/criticalmass/FRINGE-REVIEW-Real-Housewives-of-South-Philly-Play-Match-Game-.html

Here is last year’s Virgo video, just in case you prefer a bit of naked angel with your morning horoscope:

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Oh, see, now.  That jackass of a Kelli told Us that Jada Fucking Pinkett Smith’s birthday was yesterday, and here it turns out it’s today.  You are an Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) with ONE fucking job to do, and you can’t even get THAT right.  Meanwhile, today is also June Foray’s NINETY-FIFTH birthday.  Who is June Foray, you ask?  Only the voice of Rocket J. Squirrel in Rocky and Bullwinkle.

Someone close to you needs some serious help  (Oh, please…EVERYONE close to Us needs some serious help.)

— and you are the only one who can give it to them!  (But who’s going to give it to Us?)

Make sure that you’re really listening, (Sorry…did you say something?)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

as they may clue you into something quite important.  (Alternatively, they may tell Us how they keep their toilet bowl clean between scrubbings.)

There’s no need to keep worrying about a conversation that you need to have today  (No one will return Our phone calls/emails/text messages anyway.)

— all you need to do is look the other person right square in the eyes,  (Who is this “other person” of whom you speak?)

 and everything will be fine. (And dandy.  Like a hard-candy Christmas.)

(What?)

Your image matters, (Not, apparently, to anyone but Us, but still…)

and you need to be mindful of how you come across to the other person.   (Again with this “other person” delusion.  Honey, when they are inflatable, they don’t really count.)

You need to look calm, confident and correct. (The phrase you are looking for is “cool, calm, and collected”.  Cunt.)

(Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us to know that “Cunt.” is a sentence fragment.  Thank you, Micro$oft Weird™.)

What you say isn’t nearly as important as how you say it, (Clearly, that is why you are such a brilliant writer, Kelli.  Oh, also?  Shut. Up.)

so spend more time preparing your demeanor,  (To say nothing of Our misdemeanor.  (No, really…say NOTHING.))

and make sure you are dressed appropriately.  (What does One wear to a Lithuanian luau?)

(We have no idea where that came from…just go with it.)

Feeling as if you’ve hit the wall, romantically speaking? (Actually, that doesn’t sound romantic at all.)

It’s time to call up someone who knows what they’re talking about.  (Well, that leaves out everyone who is currently speaking.)

Who possesses love longevity? (Lorna Luft?  Lindsay Lohan?  Larry Linville?)

(That?  Was much easier than you would think it would be.  True fact.)

 Find out the key to their success and proceed accordingly.  (Or just tell that old joke whose punchline is, “Find the keys and we’ll drive out”.)

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.